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My humblest apologies

For everyone that knows me here on AP:


My humblest apologies to everyone that supports me and helps me here at AP. I know lately, I haven't been real actively participating in group activities, but between work and life eating up all my free time, and working me unusual hours, my poetry as of late, has suffered immensely. If poetry just 'happens' then my inner poet has been hog-tied to a chair, bolted to the floor, and gagged with duct tape. She simply hasn't been allowed to speak, play, or be free enough to speak through in poetic voice. I'm doing everything in my power to free the bindings, wipe her tears, and remove that stupid duct tape. Every time I manage to free them though, I find her in that state after I arrive home from work, and have the freedom to sit down in front of my PC. No matter how wonderful or inspiring the challenge to write something beautiful. Images of that horrible day at work and the leering faces of all those ingrateful and soul sucking excuses of people swim through my head. I do other activities to 'unwind' and still...nothing...no words come to mind. At least none, that I could feasibly find interesting enough to work with. I laugh to avoid crying. I tell the voices that say "not good enough" to "CAN IT!" I stuff a sock in the mouth of the other voices that say,"You're not even trying." I read books to remove my mind from the present moment, only to find my notebook, thesaurus, dictionary, word finds, pencils, form specs, and other tools to write poetry, suddenly under my head several hours later, with drool from sleep. Did I fall asleep again? Gosh, I don't know anymore. The light was still on. I've taken many 'breaks' from AP. I've found it to be of no avail. Almost pointless. It only managed to make more time, for you guessed it, work, work, work. Seems like I can only focus on one aspect of my poetic works at a time. Beyond that I can't seem to focus at all. my feelings of the subject go in, then it turns to layman's garble. I seem to exclude all the other things and considerations that go into it. Lack of rhythm, meter, poetic device, all fall to the wayside. I know how to do these things. I'm not ignorant of them. I'm stressed, plain and simple, and it shows in my work. I'm not proud of my work that comes out like that. How in the hell, can I help others in their poetic endeavors, when I can't even get my own act together? Yes, I'm berating myself, and I'm berating myself hard. I deserve to be berated for it. I do apologize to all my friends here. I felt that you all deserved an explanation.

I'm slowly trying to make my way back here after several 'breaks'. I AM trying. Really, truly, I am. I'm in a hellish state right now, though, so if I've offended or upset anyone, I'm sorry. I am not myself. I'm trying to find her. The Hettie everyone knows and loves. She's here, she's just going through a monstrously stressful period. Things are in general, improving, but the cost and expense of that improvement is slowly eating me away inside.

LIstening to:
"Frozen" by Celldweller

~Hettie

P.S. I'm become the workaholic I've always despised. It's killing my inner self.

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1 - 13 of 13

  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    July 15
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    Dear soul - Hetha - I do hope you realize that we write when we write, we work when we work, and sometimes, we just take a break now and then.

    Relax without worry. AP will be here and so will you. Take some time for you as you unwind from your day and try to leave the office at the office if you can.

    breathe. ~Pamela


  • Blue Rew silver member
    July 11
    Edit | Reply
    To take the time and show such great care in explaining and apologizing
    to your circle here says all we need to know...The Hettie we love is
    still there. We may not hear her voice, she may not be able to express herself as she's done before; but she is there...Still reaching-out with the heart of a lover and poet. You should not berate yourself...Life is
    filled with circumstance and people that do it for you, believe me.
    You should allow yourself to just heal. It is going to take time. You should only see this obligation, not those that have to do with us or
    anyone else you care about right now. Care for yourself. If I could,
    I would be there to help you, nourish you with my support and understanding. But I can only type my sincere care on this screen and hope it reaches across the miles and brings a small awakening. Any chance you get, whether a few moments or several hours, do for YOU.
    Do not consider all the responsibilities pulling you to do for others.
    Write only if it is an actual part of the healing process. If reading what you write now upsets you more, pour your creativity into another area.
    Use your divining tools. Make rituals out of your bathing and sleeping routines that transform them into pampering sessions. Get creative with caring for yourself. We love you, no matter if you are contributing or not. I for one like to think our connections through writing offer each other quite a bit more than recognition as poets...I hope that we build connections here for encouragement and strength through many areas of life. I know I have been on the receiving end of such generous care here more than I can count. Blessings my lovely sister. Blue


    • Hetha gold member
      July 12
      Edit | Reply
      I cannot possibly thank you enough, Blue, for everything.
      And follow your sage advice and counsel on it.

      Blessings to you as well, my sister,
      ~Hettie

  • piccola silver member
    July 11
    Edit | Reply
    you need to join the group 'born gorgeous' ... it's all up-lifting. heh ... I know kind of where you're coming from. I'm on new meds and trying to get used to a constant state of drowsiness ... my feet not lifting from the floor as I shuffle from place to place. Free from the moods that hung over me causing chaos ... but other moods gone as well. Seems I must be free of all emotion in order to survive. Wondering if mere survival is worth it. It's hard to write anything worthwhile ... but seeing as not that many people comment anyway, I just post whatever I can write so that the writer inside of me doesn't dry completely and blow away. We're all with you Hettie. Dog paddle and keep that head above the waves.


  • poeticweaver gold member
    July 11
    Edit | Reply
    As said below, you must do what needs to be done, life is unfair, and sometimes free time is void. Does not make your inner self any less poetic, or caring. Just as you said, takes away your time to compose. Know you are doing all you can, and for that, you should be proud of yourself!

    Much love and light!
    -Timothy aka poeticweaver~

    • Hetha gold member
      July 11
      Edit | Reply
      Long time no see! I hope all is well with you at least.
      Sorry you found me in such a state. I thank you for your kind words

      ~Hettie


  • trekkergirl
    July 11
    Edit | Reply
    Hey one does what one must to survive in this world. And sometimes it takes from what we love to do the most... love, family, and writing.

    You are a wonderful person and a great writer and you will find your way back to us again when there is time in your life.

    Stress is a killer and sometimes you need a break from it and for me that is writing.

    I think you need a


  • BearWoman gold member
    July 11
    Edit | Reply
    >> "I deserve to be berated for it."

    I beg to differ, my dear. What you most need, AND deserve is gentleness and understanding. I know how hard that can be when you are in the stressed mind state in which you find yourself. Is it possible for you to image yourself as a younger person whom you love and care about, and therefore naturally want to encourage and cherish? You are still that person inside, even if you don't feel in touch with it right now.

    You are still the Hettie that I love. This is part of who you are, how you respond to the current circumstances in your life. In spite of how hard you are tromping on yourself, you felt responsible enough to your self-chosen obligations in your online AP relationships to offer us an explanation, asking only for understanding and forgiveness rather than pity. Is this not a worthy thing you have done? I think it is.

    Here are my personal suggestions for your muse. THROW OUT ALL THE RULES, ALL THE "SHOULDS." Write whatever comes, whatever you have to. Garbled junk. Hate and venting. Blaming, raging, whatever it is that comes. At times like you are experiencing, I find it essential to avoid judging (as in critique or trying to hold myself to what are currently unrealistic standards), as I am already in a self-judgmental mode. This is the time for freewriting, for expression only. You may find nuggets emerging that you like. You may see them now or only after you are in an easier mind state. However, that is not the point of how to approach writing at this time. (IMO, the way my own processes work.) The point is to keep the feelings and your words flowing. Content is not important. Process is. Did that make sense?

    Please don't be concerned, dear One. What you are experiencing is part of the process of life, part of the process of being a writer (IMO). Welcome it (if you can) for what it is, work with rather than against the parameters/current circumstances of your life, and it can help build you back up instead of contributing to your tearing yourself down. (Also remember that you learned this behavioral pattern of self denigration from others. It is most emphatically not! a part of who you are at the core.

    Namaste', dear Poet.

    ~Misha Bear

    • Hetha gold member
      July 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you

      ~Hettie

      Everything you've said makes total sense. You are awesome. I'll have to try your suggestions and see what happens. I might even surprise myself..

      • piccola silver member
        July 14
        Edit | Reply
        most of my work is caca! I post it anyway and just try to keep on writing. Someone I hold very dear has stopped writing because life interfered ... he has lost his muse or in his case, just given up. Things became more important than writing ... it's a shame too. I can't think of anything more important than writing. It doesn't matter what any more. Some of it is good, some of it is trash but I try to discern which is which and as long as I know, it doesn't matter what anyone else says, unless of course they can give me a good, solid critique that is helpful.
        Don't go by what others say unless it is helpful!!! Damn I hate this soap box but sometimes people say shit like: I really don't like that line ... then they stop. Why don't they like it, how could it be improved ??? (okay getting down now)

        Just keep up a slow, but steady pace ... rest when you need to but keep a pad and pen handy for when that muse strikes!

        I can barely maintain the library ... don't worry about this place. People are leaving and I'm not even sure how much longer I can hold on. They put me on new meds and I sleep most of the day away.

        • Hetha gold member
          July 15
          Edit | Reply
          Your work in so NOT caca! I've read it enough to know a great rhymer, when I read them, and you have that gift. I'm not quitting on writing dear. I CAN'T quit writing. It's my soul's bread and butter. If I quit and give up writing, then there really isn't anything left of me. Ya, sure there is life, and work, and cooking and cars, BUT writing takes precedence, as I was doing that since I was small. Those other things merely earn me money to keep up my habit of writing. I can take a hiatus from it, but I ALWAYS come back to it.

          I have to agree with you about some people's critique sometimes. My personal favorite(NOT) is when they say:"I'm usually not a big fan of rhyme/form, but...." or in the opposite case,"I'm usually not a big fan of free verse, but....." if they weren't a big fan of rhyme, then read my free verse or someone else's. If they aren't a big fan of free verse, then read my form writing or someone else's. Anyways, stepping off of that soapbox.

          It sounds like you need a break too, sweetie

          Love Ya,
          ~Hettie

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