My Troubles

Before I get started, this isn't meant to be a pity party thing for me. I don't want pity or anything else because I know a lot of this stuff is my fault. I've lost people because of my mistakes and this is, I guess, a way to apologize and for me to move on.

I'm 17 years old. I'm not even an adult yet. Too young to vote, just barely old enough to drive. I've only just begun to live, but I've made some mistakes that I'd like to get off my chest. If you're mentioned in here, feel free to comment. This is as much your story as it is mine.

My biggest regret: Sophia Rose Komarek. You lustful devil, I could never resist you no matter how hard I tried. I had a fiance, and a life all planned out that got ruined because I couldn't keep my hands off you:
"Sophia, i don't know how you carved your way into my heart
and i don't know how you snuck your way into my house
but i know that I'll regret what i did
and i know I'll regret it forever as i throw my life away, Sophia"
Somewhere along the line, I thought I loved you. I know that I was greatly mistaking, and I'll have to live with the mistakes I made with you for the rest of my life. But I hold no hard feelings. I hope your happy, whatever you're doing now.

I don't blame her, I was enticed by her so much that it blinded me from what mattered most. My love: Ellen Elizabeth Maria Sterry, although it should probably be Hair as her last name by now. And that's all well and good. It's her life, hell she doesn't even wanna be in my life anymore. She left my life March 9th, 2009, and hasn't been back since neither as friend nor foe. And it's my fault, I'll openly admit that now. I've done some growing up in these last few months, and I've learned that "no regrets" is an excuse people use when they try to not act hurt or when they've just given up on everything. So yes, I was hurt by what happened, but I brought it on myself. And yes, I'll admit it, I still love you to this day. So if you read this Ellen, know that I'm sorry. For the first time, I honestly mean it. My number is still the same if you want to get ahold of me, although I don't expect you to want to, and if you do I don't expect you to be all buddy buddy. But I would like to be your friend, for real this time. So even though I don't deserve it, if you want to contact me...you know how.

It wasn't only Sophie's fault for the way I treated her. I was also a dick to Ellen on my own terms. I shunned her and treated her like total piss, told a couple people things that were supposed to be between me and her and they went and told everyone. I don't blame them though, I know I should have kept it to myself in the first place. Then I got mad when she found someone who treated her a million times better then I ever did:

Connor David? Hair. Connor, if you read this, know that I don't hate you. I thought I did at one point in time, but I don't anymore. I said some exceedingly racist comments about you because I had nothing else to attack you with. It was feeble and immature, and I apologize. You make Ellen happy, and that's what matters. I wish you two all the happiness in the world. I realize you could probably care less on my opinion of you, but, there it is anyway. Good luck in your Army career if that's what you still want to do. I was also a dick to one of Connor's friends for absolutely no reason:

Matthew (don't know your full name). I said some stupid shit about you as well. I often open my mouth without thinking, and it's gotten me into some shit over the years. No excuses. I'm sorry. Keep up with your poetry and your song writing, it actually is really good. I never would have admitted that a few months ago, but like I said, I've done some growing up.

Samantha Jade Bowling: I honestly think I've treated you almost as bad as Ellen. For all this time I've been apathetic to what your feeling on every stiuation, to all your friends and everything you do that doesn't involve me. I'm sorry, because, like Ellen, you deserve someone a million times better. You deserve a Connor of your own. Things have been rough between us lately, but I do care about you and your feelings, even though I don't act like it a lot of the time. I heard a song once that made me realize why I treated you the way I do:
"The only reason that I'm able to stay so stable
Is your the legs to my table
If you were to break I'd fall on my face
But I'm always gonna make you feel I don't need you as much as I really need you
So You don't use it to your advantage"

But no more will I do that. I act like a tough guy, like a total hard ass, but I get hurt just like everyone else. I'll start treating you better if you should decide to talk to me again. I'm sorry, to everyone I mentioned and anyone I didn't. I don't deserve forgiveness, but if you manage to forgive me then you're even better then I thought you were.

So that's it. This is my column, my troubles off my chest. And you know what? It feels really good to get them off.