Dateline:Washington D.C 4/18/09
You'll never guess what power couple were painting the town red last night: none other than that pair of Republican badboys,Newt Gingrich and His lovely trollpal ex-veep Dick Cheney. The occaision was the annual J. Edgar Hoover Cross-Dressers Ball and I must say niether of them has ever looked lovlier.Well, to be honest, the Newt was wearing his usual fuax butch business suit but The Big Dick was squeezed into a 1940'style retro red evening gown that made him look like a distressed and confrontational pork sausage.Rumors unconfirmable at press time say that the Demonic Duo finished up the night driving around Georgetown wildly twisted on DEA confiscated Meth shooting lawn jockys with one of Dicks favorite $15,000 shotguns. Personally I think he was more productive when he was shooting investment bankers.
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Dateline : Guantanomo Detention Center, Guantanamo Bay,Cuba
This reporter can not in good concience reveal to you how I came to be here, however, suffice it to say that apparently even knowing who Cat Stevens is, much less getting brainbashedly drunk on an American airliner and singing Peace Train in Arabic at the top of your lungs while repeatedly making furtive moves toward the pilots cabin will get you noticed.Be that as it may it was my reporterial instinct(and countless numbers of those little bottles of tequila) that put me in the position to give you,my readers,a once in a lifetime inside look at the horror that is Gauntanamo.
First off,the food is crap.It's goat on a stick three times a day. And the other guys here are a drag.All they want to do is pray six times a day. And loud? If the Nation of Islam is in closer spiritual contact with thier God it's because he can hear them better. Lets face it,we Judeo-Christians,by and large, are a bunch of mumblers.With the exception of the Southern Baptists,that is. Those folks know how to have fun when they worship. Praise Gawd!! Halll-Ay-luuja!Clapping! Singing! Dancing in the aisles! If I ever get out of here I think I'll become a Southern Baptist.And speaking of bathing...here at Gitmo...do'nt even ask about washing up.Believe me, you wont like it. Hygiene here involves two guys in black suits and dark sunglasses repeatedly holding your head underwater until you pass out and then reviving you by applying high voltage teminals to your testicals.Yeah, I remember that from Swimmer Safety Class at the YMCA...."If your swimbuddy does not appear to be breathing....IMMEADIATLY APPLY 50,OOO VOLTS TO HIS BALLS!" Then they put your head in the water and do it all cver again.In between drowning and getting your juevos fried over easy, they're screaming questions at me in Arabic.IN ARABIC? I don't even understand arabic numerals, for the love of God.
So what I'm getting at is that President Obama is in a bind. He promised to empty this prison but now he can't because nobody wants to have these prisoners in thier back yard either and even tho' we've probably got everything we're ever going to get from them in the area of intelligence gathering, we can't just let them go. Even for Barrack Oboma, that would be political suicide.
So heres my plan. We let them escape....to Cuba! Remember how that wily fox Fidel made us look like fools with the Mariel Boat Lift? He had a ton of political prisoners on his hands just taking up space and using up resources. People(mainly the U.S) were constantly bitching..." Fidel...Do the right thing. Release those prisoners." So he did. He released the hell out of 'em. Straight onto the beaches of South Florida.We should arrange a little mid- night escape here. Embarrass the hell out of the Castro brothers and solve our problems all in one store. Then maybe I could get some sleep and catch the attention of one of those ACLU guys.Until then my friends, this is Tony M Voad wishing you Via Corndogios from Guantanamo.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dateline:Zurich,Switzeland (by staff writer Hal Shannon) Rats.That’s right, you heard me. Rats. Today’s column is about Rats. Four footed or two footed, rat hearted, rat weaseling, scaly tailed rats. What a great time it is to live in The Corporate States of America and be a rat. We can cure virtually any disease or defect known to man. In rats. We can extend the normal lifespan, increase the memory, and increase the intelligence….of rats. If you don’t want to be a work-a day-nine- to- five- rat in the grey flannel suit and be a research rat…that’s o.k. you can be Jack Kerourat and go On the Road. We throw away enough food every day to feed several third world nations so no matter where you go you’ll always be well fed. And don’t worry about a place to stay. Every city has its share of vacant homes and businesses so just make yourselves comfortable. We have eagles on our money, kittens on our greeting cards and dinosaurs entertaining our children but apparently what we really love is rats. Why, you might ask, is that. Because they run this country, that’s why! If they didn’t then somebody would at least have been charged with something in this bank rape scandal that has recently plunged our county into chaos and robbed a good many hard working honest,and above all, innocent Americans of their jobs, their homes and their life savings. But nary a voice was raised to suggest a crime might have been committed. Untold hours of our national consciousness was wasted in the in effort to decide if Bill Clinton got a blowjob all in the name of truth ,justice and ETHICS but no one seems to have considered that a crime has been coomitted here and now. Therefore, since I am running out of time and patience, I hereby call for the detention ,speedy trial, and subsequent public hanging of the following RATS: Morgan Stanley John Mack, CEO of Morgan Stanley, $17 million Interesting Funfact: Was accused in 2006 of insider trading tactics, alleging he tipped off a friend to a merger in 2001, but was cleared later of charges. JP Morgan Chase James Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase, $20 million Interesting Funfact: He was forced to resign (technically fired) in 1998 from Citigroup for a huge plunge in profits which rocked the company. Bear Stearns James Cayne, CEO of Bear Stearns, $28 million Interesting Funfact: Nothing, and I mean nothing, can stop this man from a sunny day on the golf course… "On June 14, the day when Bear Stearns reported a 10 percent drop in its operating earnings for the second quarter, Mr. Cayne was reported to be out of the office playing golf. On Thursday, June 21, as several big banks pressured Bear Stearns to increase the collateral on loans they had made to its sinking fund, Mr. Cayne was again…out of the office playing golf. The next day, in the biggest rescue of a hedge fund in almost a decade, Bear Stearns pledged to put up $3.2 billion to bail out its fund (actually $1.6).” Lehman Brothers Richard Fuld Jr., CEO of Lehman Bros Holdings, $71 million Interesting Funfact: Had multiple opportunities to sell a portion of LB even with offers as late as August of this year, which would have helped to avoid the fallout, but stubbornly refused, tuning out advice and warning signals. Goldman Sachs Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs Group, $73 million Interesting Funfact: A staunch Democrat who robustly endorsed Hillary Clinton and also contributed significantly to John Kerry's failed 2004 Presidential campaign. Merrill Lynch John Thain – Ceo of Merrill Lynch, $81 million Interesting Funfact: He is John McCain’s top economic advisor. He stands to make an extra $11m off the sale of Merrill Lynch to BofA. All men are highly respected with Ivy-League or upscale accolades and accomplishments. Some have even agreed to ‘forego’ their bonuses, remaining firm on their salaries. Yet, not one has taken accountability for the disaster on Wall Street due to some very bad choices made at the top. Maybe all of their bonuses and lavish 1-year salaries combined should be thrown into the pot to pay for these damages. Of course this will not happen. Sadly, the taxpayers will have to eventually pay for the bailout of these big corporations. On a more disturbing side note, the list of Forbes ‘America’s Top Paid CEO’s’ names Angelo R. Mozilo of Countrywide Financial at #4. Over the past six years, Mozilo has been collecting a paycheck averaging $66 million a year. This is most unfavorable considering the lack of responsibility Countrywide has taken on bad loans, their recent proposed sale to BofA and the bad press they have received for the biggest mass identity theft scandal thus far which includes 2 million people’s identity, loan information, social security numbers, etc. stolen by a senior Countrywide employee and sold for purposes that are still being investigated. Unfortunately I along with many others are one of the people who received the ‘identity theft’ letter from Countrywide, so it is disturbing that Mr. Mozilo makes a healthy profit annually, while under his watch, the ship was sinking. *Numbers provided courtesy of Forbes CEO list and salaries based on stock and cash annual totals combined. Information links below to just a few of the articles noted in the fact gathering. Morgan Stanley John Mack http://www.forbes.com/home/business/2006/07/21/mack-ubs-sec-fund-cx_lm_0721mack.html/ JP Morgan Chase James Dimon http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9807E2D7103FF930A35752C1A96E958260 Bear Stearns James Cayne http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/08/business/yourmoney/08suits.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Lehman Brothers Richard Fuld Jr. http://www.reuters.com/article/reutersEdge/idUSN1341059120080914?pageNumber=3&virtualBrandChannel=10272 Goldman Sachs Lloyd Blankfein http://news.hereisthecity.com/news/business_news/5646.cntns Merrill Lynch John Thain http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122170340100750899.html?mod=googlenews_wsj Countrywide http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-arrest2-2008aug02,0,7330731.story Copyright © 2008 Lila M. I personally pledge that I will not rest( I don’t sleep that well anyway) until everyone of these insufferable rodents a swinging from a gibbet, hanging from a lamp post, or otherwise suspended in mid air sans oxygen!!!
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