I thought I had always been true to who I was but recently I found that I wasn't always ME, because other people were always in need of me to put me aside. (if you get what I mean). I have secrets like everyone else but unlike most people I don't have people to share them with, because I've been betrayed more than once by people I thought I could trust and learned that I couldn't.
I never thought I would be the person I am now, not that I'm not happy with who I am inside but I'm really sad I turned out to be so sheltered. I did it to myself. Not like those kids who are constantly kept from the "bad" things around them by their parents but because I sheltered myself emotionally. That's why I right and why most of the time there is a lot of emotion in it. Because it's the only way I can express it without it having to be about myself.
I want to tell people not to let others affect the way you live your life but I'd be a hypocrite not to mention I'd be lying about you being able to live without others affecting you. Everyday the people I see around me affect me in either a positive or negative way. You're all probably shaking your heads saying I'm crazy but I want to share the important lesson I've learned over the past few years with you so that maybe I can keep you from making the mistakes I did. Everyone affects you...maybe not exponentially like some people but enough to make a difference. No matter how small.
I've gotten to the point in my life where all i think about is other people. How will this decision affect him, her, them, instead of asking how it will affect me. I've missed out on a lot of things because I was too concerned with the way it would change the lives of the people around me. Not to mention most of the time I was just too scared to do anything because people can only be rejected so many times before they start to hide away.
People have told me I've been the same person my whole life, always considerate, good listener, ect. but what i want to scream at them is that those things are my sheilds. They used to be who I was but now they are shielding me from the outside world that seems to take a bite out of me everytime I attempt a journey out from behind it. I never know what to say to people right off the bat because I want to make sure it doesn;t hurt people, but now I want to make sure it won't hurt me. i snap at people who get to close to me. I push people away because i'm afraid that if they get to close they'll end up being like the betrayers in the past.
There is one person that I've kinda fell head over heels for but I won't say anything because I can't take a rejection from him. It'd ruin everything if I said anything, but when i think about the possibilities I realize that it could work out and maybe I could be happy with him and things would go perfectly but then my past seems to come back adn haunt me.
I want people to get over their pasts and not let it affect you as much as it affects me. Because as I've discovered this is truly no way to live. Getting up everday wondering who is going to stab you in the back today is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. The same people for years and years have locked me into this position where I have to be the easy going walk all over me person I've been since I was little. I want to reinvent myself the way I was supposed to be throughout my life but the chance has never shown itself to me, or if it has I haven't taken it. People think I'm strong and fearless, but I have more fears then most people. My greatest fear is any strong emotion towards someone outside my family. If i get close to someone they'll hurt me if they aren't family....that's not true, I know it's not but I can't seem to get past the fear. Weaknesses are unexceptable in my family. I play strong off reallywell, they can't tell that most of the time I'm afraid of what people say or think or do that will make me closer to them in any way. Like the guy I'm falling for, I've pretty much cut him out of my life because it's easier pushing him away and blaming him for it not working out instead of taking that chance and that unexpected leap and beign rejected. Because then I HAVE to blame myself because if i wasn't me then he would like me.
My logic is stupid and I know it but people of habit like me are hard to change. So I'm wanring those who haven;t already learned this lesson, putting yourself into teh submissive avoidant, antisocial, pushing people away kind of person is easy, it's digging yourself out of that hole that really makes you sweat, especially when you know the reason you're doing it and that you should stop.
Well that's enough rambling about my stupid self today hope you learned something or can relate. Thanks for reading, means a lot. *~<3Corinne Adair<3~*
"Bravery In the Mind is Fear in the Heart Clogging the Soul with Confusion."
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