Grief and Loss

29 years ago, my husband and I lost a baby at birth. It was by far, the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I will never forget the feeling I had when we were told that our child had died. It literally felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body and handed to me on a plate.

When this happened, we were told TONS of horrible, offensive, rude, and inconsiderate comments. Hearing such horrible things actually made us feel worse than we already did, if that was possible.

At first, I wanted to write a book about the loss of a child, and how to get through it with your sanity in tact, and how to deal with people's ignorant remarks. However, when I sat down to write the book, I only got about 5 pages into it before I broke down in tears and just couldn't do it anymore. Many years went by but still I could not bring myself to write about it.

I could write poetry about the loss, but when it came down to writing about the actual loss in full detail, I simply could not do it.

It is only now that I have been able to write about it, and share with you my jouney through the grief and loss.

So, I decided to write this article/story to help others know how NOT to respond when a friend or family member suffers a loss such as this.

Let me explain to you what our child meant to us. ......

From the moment we got married, we knew we wanted to start our family. But, we wanted to be prepared. So, we both met with our doctor to determine if we were healthy enough to conceive. Once we were given the ok, we started taking extremely good care of ourselves. No drinking, no fatty foods, etc.

I began taken prenatal vitamins before we were even pregnant at the advice of my Gynecologist. We started tracking our fertile days, and planning around those days.

Within a few months, we were lucky enough to conceive our first child. I'll never forget the feeling of joy when I got that positive pregnancy test result.

Sadly, our joy wouldn't last long.

All throughout the pregnacy, I was very sick with morning sickness 24/7, at one stage I ended up in hospital because I couldn't even keep water down, and I was loosing body weight very quickly because of it. After spending a week in hospital, I was allowed to go home as the vomiting had stopped, but if I didn't eat on time, I would end up feeling sick

and wouldn't be able to eat.

The months went by quickly, and soon I was in labour, [It was a normal labour with no complications,] and I brought a baby girl into the world , but after I gave birth, I wondered why I couldn't hear the baby cry, and asked what was happening.

I was told by a nurse that the baby was in difficulties with her breathing and that the doctors were working on her.

Time stood still waiting to find out if she was ok, then after thirty minutes one of the doctors came in and said to us "Your baby has died", I couldnt believe what I was hearing, how could this be?

Finding out that our baby had passed away. I literally felt like I died too in that moment.

Over the next few months, we received horrible comments from friends, and family,.

Family members would say things like "Don't worry, you'll have another baby." or But, by far the worst was when my mother in law said "Get over it! I lost a baby and it's no big deal. you can't miss what you never had".... One day you're pregnant, the next day you're not. It's no big deal. Just get over it and move on!"

I think that's why the comment of "Don't worry, you'll have another baby" bothered me so much. I wanted to shout at them, "You don't know that!" or "I don't want ANOTHER baby, I want the baby that I lost back!"

I think maybe it's because many people don't think of a baby as a person until it's born that people are so rude, but that's not how a mother feels. A mother connects to a child on a level that is undescribable. This connection begins from the moment of conception. I knew that I had my child growing inside of me, and I could feel that connection the whole time.

When you love someone so much who you've never even met and then that person dies, you have many questions that will never be answered. Sometimes, you blame yourself.

You may think that if you had done something differently, taken better care of yourself, eaten differently then maybe that child's life would have been spared.

So, not only are you in a state of shock, grief, and loss, but in a state of self-blame.

I blamed myself for being so sick at the beginning of the pregnancy, and although I was told differently, I still blamed myself, and still do.

I think that if you know someone who has suffered a loss like this, the best thing you can do is to offer your ears.

All you can do is listen and let them cry it out. I didn't really get that kind of support and I wish that I had. If I had just been able to sit with a friend or family member and cry or talk about it without having them pass judgement it would have made the grieving process easier.

Also, don't try to put a timeline on someone else's grief. Just because you might be able to get past something in a short amount of time, doesn't mean that other people are able to do the same.

Respect that person's need to take their time with the grieving process.

A loss of a child is just that, a thing you don't get over, no matter how little or how long a time you had them they were part of your body and your heart.

So if you ever know someone who has lost their child, let them cry to you, all you have to do is listen and don't tell them, it's okay, you will get over it or any of those things, just hold them, let them know you are there for them, lend them your ears... that is all they need.

For me, 29 years later, I still think about that child each and every day. I remember my due date and every year on that date, I make it a point to spend that day with my family as quality time and remembering our child who has passed away.

I am fortunate enough to have been blessed with two more children after our loss. But, that doesn't make our first child's existence any less important to me.

As far as I'm concerned, I have three children, it's just that one of them is in Heaven.

Much love to you and I thank you for listening/reading .

Your friend in poetry

~Anne~

       Please click on to the link provided and read 'Peta's Story'

                                 [It is a long read] 

                                http://allpoetry.com/poem/5280221