By:: Natas Mai, Eternal Labyrinth
Control. It's lost. Mentality, unstable, insanity, personality, understanding, moodswings, memory, believe, life, worth, love, hate, sanity, reality, imaginary, false, truth, lies, friends, interest, discipline, wishing, hope, confusion, blank, unknowing, knowledge, nothing, everything. Help.
better yet, don't help. don't bother. there really isn't much that can be done. i already have heard it all, been there done that. four years in and out of that fucking hospital you hear everything that can be said about whatever your "disorder" is. i don't even currently know mine, but i think it's Borderline Personality Disorder. hell the last time i came out of there i had a huge fucking list of "disorders" that didn't even fit what was "wrong" with me. i don't even really know whats wrong anymore though. most times i feel fine but then there's the occasional day that i feel strangely not myself and those days are coming more frequently now. weird things happen for no reason, i feel as though i want to just scream and throw a fit, kick, hit and destroy everything in my path, shatter everything around me, i don't even know what else, but if i had the chance and it was consequence free i think i would totally do it. i might even feel better afterward. but i can't. i've been feeling somewhat self-destructive lately as well but i haven't acted on any of it. i've been feeling very... down... depressed and hateful towards myself. but its not going to go anywhere. i can't wait to go back to college. i miss all my friends and i miss not having a set schedule/routine that i work well with. don't get me wrong, i like being at home, but i'd much rather be there at Wilson. i'm going to miss my friends from home that i've been hanging out with lately... i'm going to miss working and volunteering and all that good ol' stuff but that's what the summer is for as well. besides, education is good and working towards making a good future for yourself is excellent.
idk what else to say here.
take care and have a nice day.
bye love
♥
-Natas Mai
just random thoughts being thrown down onto paper and then written up. you don't have to read. you don't have to comment. you don't have to say anything or care or whatever it is you do.
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Comments
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I wish I could hug you really tight and take it all away. 
But I know you can do this, like you were telling me earlier something has to get better evantually. We can both pull out of life alive and happy, if we have faith.
I love you lots and lots and lots and lots. Always. Even if you are dead inside, or don't care anymore, or don't love me back. I will always love you and I will always be proud of you. I promise I'll be here whenever you need someone, and you can "dump" as much as you want on me. That's what sisters are for.
I know this stupid comment doesn't do much...I'm sorry...
♥
Ich Liebe Sie Forever
Jade -
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It isn't a stupid comment sissy, and it does do something. you have nothing to be sorry for, I'm the one who should be sorry for what i said last night.. that was stupid because you don't deserve to deal with my crap and yours. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me and I will return the favor any time you need it I promise. I will always be here for you sissy. I love you very very very very much no matter what.
♥
Ich liebe Sie Schwester. Always and Forever
Kaela -
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No one has to do anything alone. I'll never leave you ever no matter what you say to me. And even if you never say anything ever again, I'll still be standing there right next to you, ready to grab you if you fall too far.
You've done more for me than I have ever done for you, and someday I'll find a way to repay you for everything.
I love you very very very very very very very very very very very very much too always...
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