Money

Money…..Money, money, money, everything is shaped by money. My mood is affected by money of all things. I have no money, bills looming high, debt collectors ringing my phone at all times. I lay back and close my eyes on the dull brown glow from the paper covered, blanket lined windows. . Cover my face in pillows, Block out the world in sleep. They can’t get me if I’m not awake, they cant hurt me if I stay locked away in my dingy cell. Peter gets me up dresses me gets me out into the sun, the hateful sun ticking another day off my existence.
I breathe cold clean air despair filling my lungs. When the shadow crosses my mind I have to wait and let it pass. I can’t pull myself out, force myself to care. I can only question my sanity wonder if what I am feeling is real sadness or if I am chemically unstable making whatever I feel unreal, invalid, meaningless. I wonder if I would be the best mother, the best girlfriend, the best person… under all these changing moods. I stop answering my phone shut down, miss appointments and push myself into a deep coma waiting to be someone else or at least waiting to have the balls to pull the trigger or inhale under the water. 2 feet under the steamy surface, heat soaking into my heart but completely ineffective on the cold dying bits. I want to inhale the molten steam, suck in the death and drowning but I can’t, one breath and I’ll choke, streaming water not oxygen to my veins filling this body with change. I change so big I will steam here for hours contemplating it. Before wussing out and braving the chilly night just to get away from the insistent plea to end it all. One stupid girl blundering through her silly life hoping for some purpose some reason for the pain the joy the thrill of existence. And just that quickly I am back, over my stupidity awake and alive, breathing laughing, loving, kissing, alive. Filled with hope and the joy of having one more day one more chance to get my baby, pay my bills, love my man and feed my cat. I want to find a way out of this seemingly hopeless labyrinth. I want to be like everyone else with good days and bad days and days when it just doesn’t matter. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway?