When it's ok.

We are all broken, we can't help it, we're born into a broken world, and it's okay to be broken- and thats all I've ever been and now...I feel.. I feel just a little, a tiny bit less broken.

"you learn to be detached, just a little bit broken"
-tidbit of an essay written by me


I never had to learn brokeness, it was, and is in every part of me, but lately I feel less broken, that maybe after all this time, I'm begining to heal. It's never been ok. It's been better and much much worse than ok, so I dont know how to be ok. I've been spectacular, I have soared, and I have been down the one-way road, and I have wanted to kill myself, but I've never been just ok.

So I'm learning. Thats new too, learning, I've always just knew, I never had to think, I knew. Learning to be ok, it's anything but ok. I want to feel emotion, but I feel... ok. Not nothing, because I feel the pain, I heard the screams, and I felt the joy, and I feel the happiness, but I'm ok. And things are, new. I never had that "new" there was always a range of emotion, motions, and reactions, that I felt, but none of that was one the persise line of middleness that most people live on, tettering closer an closer to the edge, before they vault off into rage once every 50 or so years, and then there ok. Because they felt they became ok again. Feelings are addictions, weather we know it or not we are all addicted to happiness, anger, and saddness too. Anger has always scared me, I lock mine away, untill I can burn it off with all the calories, situps sometimes aren't because of a desire to be thin. But anger scares me, that feeling, I hate being angery, know that I can instill fear scares the shit outta me, I dont want to feel that, it feels wrong. Wrong to feel anger, and happiness. I feel so guilty when I feel happy about something material, I know I dont deserve it, so I stop feeling happy. Thats why I love my friends, they keep me so caught up in happiness i dont have time to eject it. I love feeling sad, mostly because, I hate it. That sounds so twistedly wicked I want to erase my words and not say it again, but it needs to be said. I hate hateing myself and I hate feeling depressed. But saddness is differant, saddness forces you to think and tap into every good gene you have, so I love it. It's like watching movies, I hate it for all the nostalgia and lonlyness I recieve for that hour of laughter, so I watch scary movies. And scary movies are ok, because you dont feel lonly after you watch them, you are forced to be with someone because of your fear. And fear is addictive, because of the adrinaline that you perch on for those few seconds, and it's wonderful being so fully aware of your surroundings, until someone sneezes and you jump fifty feet into the air, break out in a cold sweat and then laugh it off, because we laugh a lot of things off, awkward situations, cheating wives, pay cuts, and children stealing small toys from drugstores, because its easier to laugh, then sigh in the public restroom while thinking of all your failers before going back out there, to face the daunting task of being a human in a perfection expecting world. No one wants to be human, we dont want those mistakes, those gray hairs, those extra pounds, because we want acceptance, and we want envy, we feel euphoria when people glare in jelousy, wanting to be you, so we perfectionise. Force the bad habits out, humanity isn't in vouge. But crisp, simulated pearlyness, of cosmetic dentistry is. We dont have to be human, because it's easier to spend thousands a year than feel old age. Than to feel a little pain, but pain doesn't hurt to me, not physical pain. It never hurt, I feel it, and I know it should hurt, but the feeling of being six years old while some adult yells at you for not being perfect, that hurts more than salt in a wound, much much more. And thats the one that we're expected to deal with, or not to have to deal with, we shouldn't let that hinder us years and years later because it 'didn't mean anything' but we do, because it did. Letting those things affect us turns us into burdens, "ohh I can't come, Eva's haveing a hard time right now." Thats why pain is frowned upon, we can take weeks off work for broken bones, but dont they have pain pills for all that? What about broken hearts, they're ten times more common than any physical injury, and you have to work through that, all on your own, and thats not okay.

And I had to do that for a long time. But it's better, I think. I think thats what all this okayness is about, its that I'm healing, thats such a longshot, but it's there, it's there, the possiblity that things will be better than ok, for more than just a day at a time, I'll be happy, so I push forward, not being able to wait for those days, where things are easier, not as hard as the day before that, and things like haveing children and growing old with someone are more real, more achievable, like you know for sure those things will happen, and you dont have to worry all the time, that you can relax, and finally just let go.

And when you do, it's sooo much better than ok ever could be.

With all the love and pain--

evangeline.