"true friends" and myself

And all at once; everything is simply nothing.

I swear, this week has been anything but good.. Even far from okay. Today on the other hand, was alright.. Atleast it was alright at first. Good things always have to fade. [I know the bad things fade too.] I was happy today. Smiling. Talking to people again. Now it's all crashed down. Im not sure if I do it to myself; if I allow it to happen, if I care too much, if I try too hard, if I just can't let go, but it always happens.
I guess today I realized what a good, true friend is.. I honestly, now, believe I have none. Or maybe it's because I set my standards up to high. Does that mean I think Im better than anyone or "too good" for people? It makes me wonder. I mean, I don't think I am better or too good.. or do I? *sigh* No. I just don't trust people. And my standards are up high because I've been hurt and walked on. Is that even a good reason to seem "stuck up" and have such high standards? Maybe I just want to guard myself..
A good, true friend is not someone that is two-faced. That says they hate someone and that the person needs punched in the face or killed and then the next minute all buddy buddy with them. Especially when they know this person is your "friend".. you're closest "friend." Or a good, true friend doesn't leave you out and worry about their own little world.. They try to include you even if you seem "out of the group." Maybe thats why I hate groups of people.. I always seem to be the person on the outside staring in at what Im not a part of. [Which, I probably do to myself and Im not going to deny it. But a friend should pull you in and not let you stand on the outside.] A good, true friend doesn't do something they know hurts you, intentionally. They don't try to bring you down when they know you are trying so hard to not fall. Or a good, true friend doesn't stop talking to you for days on end.. Like you're a toy only needed on certain days or an outfit you only wear sometimes. They keep you near. A good, true friend doesn't use you when they are bored. Or a good, true friend doesn't use the word love if its not really meant from the bottom of their heart. A good, true friend doesn't "take away" your best friend, someone you love when they see how much its killing you inside. And looking at all this, thinking about all this, I realize, I have no good, true friends. Or atleast any that I think are.. This explains all my "friends." They have all done one of these..
So why is it that I forgive and hand my love out to the people that just don't care? Why is it that I forgive like no other when it comes to someone thats acted like a "friend" but never really was one? Why is it that I let people hurt me and betray me yet I turn around and go right back like it's never happened? I always waste my love on the people that don't deserve it.. I guess it's not really wasted because no love is ever really wasted.. But I surely get nothing in return but pain. I dont even want anything in return really; just a simple respect I guess? I don't want to be walked on, used, abused, taken for granted, or beaten down. Is that too much to ask? Are those standards simply out and beyond? I mean I have more standards but those are the basics. It just seems ridiculous how I always forgive and go back like it's nothing. Yet, each time its the same and it tears me apart just the same, if not worse..
Is it possible to have too big of a heart for your own good? And is it possible to just say no to your heart and act as if its not there telling you to care? Do I sound self centered and conceited? I really am not..

I think I'll go back to my sheltered little bubble where nothing is anything but me. Maybe talking to people isn't my thing. Maybe Im meant to be alone even if it breaks my heart more every day. Maybe this thing called "friends" isn't for me. And maybe I need to let go of the people in my life- yes pretty much all of them- in order to go on with myself. Call my selfish all you want [i think im getting used to it] but maybe myself should come first.. Before I break down again and hurt my family [some of them- not a lot] which seems to be the only people that really care. Or worse yet- completely lose myself again.
I just wish life wasn't like this; Wish that I was one of those people that glide through life without a bad tear ever falling from there eye but a smile always riding on there lips. Inside of a sob of pain a laugh of joy. And maybe it is all me [probably is] but I cant save myself from myself. I have to take away things to prevent myself from losing my grip. *sigh* But can I go on alone without falling? Will it stop this pain burning inside? I'll soon find out..