drug-induced haze;

Something dark lingered in me that wanted to write this story.

I was thinking about drugs today and what people would do for them and the shit that happens to people because of it.

This is one example

No I don't have a gun...
No I don't have a gun...

his face fades in and out of the music
but I can feel him all the same
in between my sobbing and breathing
like a dream..like a nightmare
this isn't supposed to make sense
I tell myself,

but I can feel the burn in my veins
and it's like nothing I've ever tasted
I feel acidic and transported to another world,
to another century

I said I had to do what I needed
to get my fix, to get my fill
because the world doesn't make sense
and we're all fucked and going to hell
so what does it matter if I put out for today?

I had a daughter once
Myra

she was 2 when they took her from me
and the cops only looked at me in disgust
as he pulled my screaming daughter away
she was only 2, 2 years old,
blue-eyed and crying

I lost the best damn thing at 18
but no one knows, no one cares
and he's probably staring at me from
an empty space, too dark and gone to care
and sometimes I fall asleep on his grave
because none of it makes sense
and none of it feels the same

when I fall asleep, I dream of him
it's like an open wave
dark and consistent
I remember when he put cream on my face
and I poured water over his head
I remember screaming and laughing
and then crying from joy because he wouldn't
stop tickling me

I'm 20 now, he died
and our daughter got taken away,
taken away to some higher place
hah, I talk like it's fucking death or something
but it's funny you know,
I use sex to forget

So that same night,
I tried to get her back
in the humblest, simplest of ways
I could
I wasn't thinking
I was tripping off of acid
and the venom in my veins
reinforcing the self-hate I've already begun
to feel everyday

I fucked the cop that night
he fucked me hard
and I couldn't feel it
and as I tried to keep back the tears
in my eyes

-he was hurting me-

I tried to ask him without sobbing,
"Will I get my daughter back?"
and he kept saying "Yeah"
sounding like you do before you sneeze
and then he released and then I was like
a used napkin

He put his belt on after that
and got off of me
he left me on the bed,
and he laughed while walking out the door
and before he left he said,
"you're a whore, whores don't deserve happyness"
and I cried, for the first time in a long time
since I lost him, since I lost Wes

Wes was my fiance,
we got pregnant with Myra when
I was 18, around the time I lost him
and I had to struggle since then
He used to support me,
even though I had a job too
but together we got through the bills
all the expenses and he treated me like gold
he took care of me when I didn't even
want to take care of myself
and he loved me for me,
always and forever

he promised, he promised...

but he died..

He was walking home from the supermarket
after getting me a carton of ice cream
damn pregnancy cravings fucking kill you
and it was raining

how cliche... I know

and a car swerved, slipping on the rain
and it hit him, and just like that, he was gone
and Myra was born without a dad
though she knew his touch
I became a druggie
the depression after his death was bad
it was so fucking bad...

most of the time, I was drunk
or smoking 8 packs of ciggies a day
and then, I found another way
Walking home from work one day
a man in an alley offered me god
and I was stupid and depressed
so I tried it

and then I was reborn
and then I started never having enough
money to spend on both the drugs
and the food Myra needed so,
he offered me a different exchange

he said if he could fuck me anyway he wanted
whenever I came to get the drugs,
I'd get it for free
so there I was in the alley way,
doing it doggy style without protection
trying to make a connection to what I was doing
Aya--that's my name, and I used to know who
I was once

before I fell into something
I couldn't name
something that gripped me so dark
and strong that all I could do was ride
the currents with a name intact in my head
all I could see was her face
the last gift Wes ever left me,
Myra

Her blue eyes
her brown hair
and I knew, I'd do anything
to take care of her
and this was the best way I could take care of me

life is brutal, life is fucked up
and we choose who we want to be
maybe this is true
but I didn't choose this,
i didn't choose for Wes to die
and Myra to be taken away
I chose to be a druggie and a whore
given the alternatives
This is my life now,
this is a mistake

this is fucked,
all so fucked
and I can't find any other way.