Meet me

I try and I try to make love but it's just no use. I still don't know the ingredients. It seems I am spiraling out of control into a self identity crisis. Perhaps I've layed in the road looking at the sky for too long, letting her tell me I am part of everything and always will be.. Though I am unsure in every aspect of my life, I think I am finally paying for being a naive girl, as all naive girls will. Through out the days I find myself staring into my darkness. I am constantly haunted by my actions in the past. Sometimes they disturb me. Other times they fascinate me. I am not good at anything. Everything I do is an attempt and nothing more. I try to never contradict myself but I guess it is inevitable. Deep down in your soul you've known the truth and theres no escaping it. The truth is just as unsure as you are. And when you realize you've known it all along, you will feel a little smaller, a little more afraid, but you will be free. If this all seems scattered, well thats because my brain is scattered.

I have so much more to say. I need more time. Where does it all go?

I feel I know myself afterall but I just cant trust myself. Inspite of this I feel extreamly confident in my words (but never in my actions). I avoid the clouds now, they would just ask me where I have been and I dont have an answer. Everything is in an interval between one party to the next. It's nothing like the glory days. My relationship with my highschool sweet heart is bipolar. On occasion I wonder why any would want to be my friend but thankfulness soon follows that thought. The sun no longer apeals to me. Nothing bad has still ever happened to me despite any mistakes I have made and I just worry alot. I think maybe its the worrying, the caution and knowlege of accidents waiting to happen that keeps them at bay. My mother has always cautioned of burgalars and rapists so its taken its tole. I will always be afraid.