Smeared

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for the smeared perspective
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

i.Questions

One last question before I go?
Did you even really try?
Did you even really care?
Do you still regret it?

One last cry before I stop
Do you even try to imagine what it's like for me?
Do you ever stop and wonder?
Do you every question how tender
I am when your name is spoken?

ii. Rememberance
One last dream before it fades
Did you ever picture it all?
Did you ever see me beside you?
Did you ever hear my words--
reach you from memory? From time?

One last phrase of anger before I breathe
Was I that unattractive?
Was I that unbearable?
That you had to lie to me?
Make me believe it was going to be me in the end?

iii. Anger
Do you have any fucking clue?
Do you know at all how much I fucking grieveD?
How much I cried for you, for us?
I want you to understand that pain
I want you to know that it wasn't me
this time who gave up on us but you
You chose when you chose her

Do you know how much I compared
myself in the mirror to the failure you fucked around with?
Am I not psychotic enough?
Am I not whorish enough?
What's wrong with me? What was so fucking wrong
with me that you had to do that to me?
It's not like I ever turned you down,
I gave you all that I wanted

All I ever asked for was honesty
but you couldn't give me that?
You don't know--you never will,
the settlement, the battle going on
in my mind when I wage war against your name

iiii. Closure

I can accept this now
I've taken down your pictures
Forced myself to shove them in the package
you sent me when it was my birthday
I don't stare at the book you sent
The one with all our possibilities

I try not to say your name,
to other people and myself
I try not to remember you,
I try not to stare or cry,
or even hope for a chance
for the 50th fucking time

I remembered my self worth that summer
when you loved me
I remembered how beautiful and happy
I could be before I fell
But months afterward,
you gave me scars,
you gave me pain

You made me ugly and unremembered
you made me unworthy, never good enough
and for days on end, I'd pass a mirror
to try to remember the name you used to parade
around with in your head
I could only find a fracture,
I could only find questions

And I made some bad choices because of you
but I only blame me

Time changes things
it changes your heart
emotions become words
lovers become the past
and self worth becomes self hate.

So, one more question before I go

Why?