Here I go again...

What else? More hating myself and so on and so forth....

yup... I know I do this too much but someone advised me to just sit and write my heart out because this shit is keeping me from sleeping day and night and so here I go...


Yes, it's about Grant. Who else? Tony the tiger?

its just so hard.... he was the best relationship i ever had and the most serious... it was because of him that i finally got over my first love, he gave me the strength to stand up to my mom which gave me the freedom i now have today... We were together for a year and engaged for 8 months... well we would have been if we had never broken up the first time.. which i also think we'd still be together if we had never broken up... because after that things just seemed different and thats partly why i broke up with him this time.....
but yeah he was and still is my everything... i finally found a song today that describes it and that's the song that goes "I hate how much I love you boy I cant stand how much i need you...." I really do need him and i really cant stand myself for breaking up with him.... it was the stupidest thing i've ever done and i highly doubt i'll ever get another chance.... you know i was talking with him the other night and i actually got the guts up to try to ask for another chance... i asked him straight out if he still loved me.... well i didnt get the answer i expected.... he said he doesn't know and right now he'd have to say no, all because he has a girlfriend and he /cant/ love somebody else... how fuckin lame... i mean you cant help if you love someone whether or not your with someone else... so i just hung up on him.... i really cant believe that shit... i really thought he was the one and i believed him all those times that he said he'd always love me and that it'd be so hard for him if i ever left him.... wow so damn hard right he found a girlfriend not even a week after it happened and in less than a month fell out of "love" with me.... god you have no idea how much i want to cry while im writing this but i just cant because of how much i cried the other night when he told me this shit... idk i guess surprisingly i dont have any more tears for him left... or at least not tonight....
i just... i hate this... i hate myself.... i had it all i was happy and in love... i had everything i ever wanted and needed i had him... but i had to blow it all....

So when will it all end? When will this stabbing pain in my heart go away? When will I actually be able to sleep good at night ? When will I be able to smile and actually mean it? When will I be able to love someone else and be with someone else? When will he get out of my mind? When will I stop crying when will I live again when will I be happy?

...Ok so I was wrong I guess I do have a few tears left to cry for him...

I just... I just want to go back to when i was held in his arms... warm happy loved and safe... I just want to sleep next to him and kiss him and just hold him so damn close... I want him to be with me and love me like he used to....

I don't know what to do anymore...... I don't know what to say... I don't know how to act.... I can't keep this up much longer every day I break down more and more and the layers come off slowly... i cant pull off being "okay" anymore....

I guess I'll just have to wait for him the same way he had to wait for me......