Rant

This is not going to be pretty.

Okay...so, I need to rant. I have been crying for the past so many hours...and I have realized something.

I have turned to the internet because every friend I have had in real life has eventually stopped making the effort to spend time with me...so I spent time with people online...and guess what happened...

They eventually become scarce...no matter what the reason...and they stop spending time with me too.

This has happened all my life.

So many times, I have made others a priority and I do backflips just to be here for people only for not one person to do the same. And this is not just online...this is either or.

I try so hard to be a good friend...and I mean a REAL friend. Not just some online person you know that you talk to when you are bored. If anyone thinks of me in that way, then you are no friend of mine, because that is certainly not how I think of you.

I treat everyone equally. Everyone. I care about anyone I talk to, and I want meaningful conversations. I want a connection, and I want to enjoy spending time with you. It doesn't matter if you're online, in person, on the phone...it doesn't matter to me, because I treat everyone like a real friend, and I am a real friend back.

And sometimes, I feel so mistreated, so alone, so freaking forgotten...because whenever I need someone, no one is around anymore. When I make an effort to spend time with someone, I get to see them and talk to them...but when I sit and wait for them to put effort in?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

A friendship is not something only one person has to contribute in. A friendship is a two way street and if you care about me, you will put the effort in. You will set time aside just to chat with me and see how I am. I would do the same for you. In fact, I've been doing it my entire damned life. So when the hell do I get the recognition I deserve? When do I finally feel like I am special to any of you? When do I feel like I matter? When do I get a hello how are you I miss talking to you? I never get that. Not from anyone. Ever.

Do you honestly have any idea how much it hurts that the only freaking person I feel wants to spend time with me is my own fiance? That's pathetic. Not only is it pathetic, but it's not fair.

Everyone gets busy. Everyone gets distracted, preoccupied, whatever...but don't you dare tell me you cannot take five minutes to an hour out of your damned day just to chat. Don't you dare because I refuse to believe it. If people matter, you MAKE time for them! You do not just forget about them and talk to them whenever it suits you! That's not a friendship to me...that's taking advantage, taking for granted, and using someone when you're bored.

All my life I have been mistreated in this way, and to be quite honest, I am getting rather damn well sick of it.

No, I am not asking for a chat every single day, or every second day...I'm just asking for more than once a week or more than once a month or every three to five months. I just want to feel like I am a real friend...not someone who doesn't even freaking exist unless I say something first.

If you care, you will understand. If you think of me as someone who is real, then you will listen. If you view me as a REAL friend, not just a person online...you will make the effort.

I've put more than enough in for far too long.