over on my other page, it is not formatted properly, because i'm having a fist fight with my laptop on vacation right now. but i like it a lot.
http://blandcrackers.wordpress.com/2008/06/14/short-story/
new story. hurray
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i found this really enjoyable-sucked me in- so damn well written and although i wanted more- (yes i think this should be a suspended chapter in a book) the ending wasnt a cop out in my opinion, it left a 'real' anticipation rather than a cheap happy solution -a kind of Pinter like anticlimax that i found funny, vulnerable, excruciating, not all ends tied up, no wondering necessary conclusion but real-and awkward
the end wasnt 'wham' ! not 'flashy' or , not what you want it to be in most peoples kind of tidy expectation of a short story- most really short stories for me suffer a kind of 'punchline' effect that i hate-its contrived and forced,this was great- if it was a suspended chapter in a book, Id be looking forward to more about it- more about the classroom, the students, the internal dialogue of the teacher...the question hanging in the air the guy that didnt get it and you left there feeling a little disappointed i imagined
the golden rule- did you expect not to be asked?-it seemed so-did you think it was obvious?- Do unto others?- it would mean 'silence' initially to me-though do unto others has been drummed into me as a kid, but not under the flag of 'golden rule' so i wouldnt necessarily have interpreted it as such-maybe its ' Never talk about fight club?' hehe that was a joke-not a good one, mind
- i found that interesting-but i still would have been the cultural lout who asked-and that strikes me as funny-i also probably would be the person who laughed as well
The intro got me at the second sentence, the body flowed like a fuckin really flowy thing where you dont stop and start, it just fell into my head- atmosphere and fluid writing
i did find I almost didnt want to personalise it with respect to you being 'Mr Dooley', cringe and nervous excitement was woven into it- I almost felt unbearably nervous -but maybe that was why it was so good, it felt confessional rather than removed
the details were rich, real, beautifully described-poetic unlike most short stories that simply squeeze the story into some limited word count
just sucked the following right up:
"Parked my dark blue station wagon in the front lot, (and esp.)single piece of rust falling off the bumper as the hubcaps came to a full stop.
Threw my cigarette out the window, rolled down by hand, before I turned onto the asphalt drive. Didn’t want to be making the wrong impressions
..waxpaper wrapped crust-less white bread peanut butter and jelly sandwich, cut down the middle twice, resigned her chapsticked lips to the triangles. She had just unveiled the classroom equivalent of an anthrax filled envelope and I didn’t even notice. I was too nervous.
The first ring came, like gravel (!!) in a church bell, and then another twenty filed in, skirts that were probably too short for the new rules, zebra print pants were way back, apparently, two pairs more than I planned on seeing. Sunglasses at seven o clock in the morning, a nice touch.
from minor things like the arrival, the gold fleck in the floor, the descriptions of the students, it was so real so tense for me, so much so at the '3 sets 15 reps' (hey i thought it was good)- the solitary laugh was a precious victory , broke the tension a little, i laughed here- it was a nervous laugh
wow, like it a lot-
poo to you with knobs on
3 clappy things
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hurray. you're back!
also, thank you. now read "against me" and tellmewhatyouthink
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Some nice touches in this, really. I thought the wilco lyric was well placed, and effective. The train crushing the motorcycle was also really effective. I didn't like the very end, the last sentence. I can't say why really, other than I thought it wasn't very creative. I thought it was a cop out for a good ending. But this was decent Dool.
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