10/06/08
I've realised that there's always an unfortunate trend in the way i behave in friendships. Why do i say nothing unless people specifically talk to me directly? Even then why do i give such roundabout answers or make dismissive jokes to get people's eyes off me? Is it because i can't stand the attention? Maybe. But if that's the case why do i sometimes go into states of bitterness or spite if not to be noticed? Why would i write this crap down if i didn't want someone to read it?
The rages are nothing. They quickly just flicker and die into self destructive thoughts. Whatever the arguement was about it's my fault, i always feel that way. Even when i'm utterly certain i'm in the right about something i'll usually let it go and start to grovel and apologise. I can't deny that i often feel that i have to say the right thing, it must be intelligent or funny otherwise i'll just embarass myself or those around me.
Normally i don't care what other people think of me. But then that's because i don't often meet someone whose opinion i give a rat's ass about. So what if i'm such a wretch? It's not like it matters to anybody important.
Maybe if i find someone whose opinion actually matters to me, i get scared by it.
I feel so ugly all the time, monstrous. I'll say that again so that people don't misunderstand, i feel ugly. Whether i look ugly or not is neither here nor there. Around people, anyone, i just feel utterly like there's something wrong with me. I sometimes wish i could flense off every scrap of flesh from my face with a pressure-washer, or nail a venetian mask to my skull. I've always had an obsession for masks, i love them. They stop people for judging you on the wrong thing. They force everyone to see what's really important, their eyes, their thoughts and feelings. Their souls. Probably why i senselessly abhor sunglasses so much, because they do the opposite. To me they just don't make anyone look any good at all. I automatically associate sunglasses with cowering.
But so what? Even if i had it my way and nobody could lay eyes on me, that doesn't instantly mean my personality is any good either does it? What if i fail in that aspect as well? What else do i have? What kind of loathsome creature will those whose opinion i care about see when they look at the real me?
I can't stand the thought of dissapointing them, like i probably do every one else.
That can't be all it is though. They say that an inability to interact with other people and other such signs of social immaturity are often caused by an underlying anxiety picked up from a young age. I can't ever pick up the phone to call people myself. I can't ever start conversations. I can't suggest or arrange things to do like going out. I always make excuses and lies not to do any of these things and more.
What the hell kind of source could there be to a state of mind where i've procrastinated the act of making friends for my entire life? What the hell kind of anxiety is it that could stop me from knowing what i want?
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