Secret

my secret is this.

For the last oh 8 months my boyfriend/fiance has been abusing me and my 9 month old daughter. I didnt find out he was hurting her until about a month ago, or I would have left him.

It started over the phone. He would get really mad and hang up an then call back and apoloqize and cry and say he loved me. He would call me all sorts of things on the phone. Bitch, slut, cunt, whore, skank... the list goes on, he would also accuse me of things like sleeping around or talking behind his back... things I never did, because I was in love with him. Then when we were together he would come in the dark and scream at me yelling telling me how worthless and alone I was, telling me I should kill myself, handing me knives to do it with. I battled depression so when I would have down days and cry a lot he would either leave me alone saying I was a piece of shit or he would get in my face and whisper horrible stories and senerios of my death and things I did. When we had sex it was rough and mostly unpleasant... I couldnt enjoy it even when he was gentle because I knew that if for any reason I had to stop or I couldnt get him off he would blow up and leave telling me I was nothing and useless. Being left alone naked in a bed were a moment before you were supposed to be making love... crying for no aparent reason is really not fun.
He started to throw things at me, telephones, cups of water, cds, books, ice cubes... I didnt think I could complain about having stupid shit like that thrown at me. Sometimes he would push me agains the wall, slamming my head back. Once when I had been drinking a little he picked me up out of my friends house and threw me onto a snowcoverd sheet of ice in a parkinlot, every time I tried to get up he pushed me down, finally holding my face down in the snow until I stoped moving stopped screaming, stoped crying and just took it. bit my lip tried not to suffocate and freeze, soaking wet totally humiliated as my friends watched from the door. layin in the snow after he left staring at the stars thinking... why does love hurt so much?

I went home and he told me he loved me, wanted me, needed me, how sorry he was that he lost his temper. I forgave him and kissed him and held him until he fell asleep then lay in the bathtub crying while I threw up into the toilet.

My baby girl has been the light of my life, the on redeaming quailty to all my down falls, she laughs and my world is thrust into summer, she cries and I hold her close feeling the need she has for me. I would feed her each bottle change each diaper, each cute little preemie outfit. She was so small, only 4lbs 5oz when she was born, she got bigger and bigger but developed 2 months behind normal baby schedule.

When she started having little nicks and cuts and tiny bruises, I accepted His explanation that she had rolled over to hard or scratched herself or that he had accidently dropped her a short distance. I let slide the black eye and the gash on her head and the warnings from so many FUCKING SMART people. CPS came and he said he had an anger problem he promised to go to anger classes and to stop smashing walls, doors and cabinets. He said he would get a drivers license and a job. He said I could stop going to work and just take care of my Angel.
Instead he started doing coke and increasing his Pot intake, pulling me along with him, making me go to work and leave my baby in his care, I though he loved us, loved her. I thought he loved being a daddy, but I would come home and find her ALWAYS alone in the bedroom while he played games or watched tv or smoked pot, he would say she had JUST fallen asleep, sometimes when I got there she was asleep sometimes she was awake alone in the dark in her bouncer, sometime she was so fast asleep that it was hard to wake her. He said she had colds so he gave her decongestant, over and over I ignored things. let myself worry in some small part of my mind that maybe he was drugging her to keep her asleep all the time... maybe he was hurting her... but that was to much to think of to much to even comprehend.

So one night when I watched him squeeze her in front of me, pick her up and wrap both arms around her stomach and squeeze her while she screamed slowly turning purple and open mouthed scream dying away to a silent agonizing call. I stood 2 feet from him crying hysterically trying to figure out how to get her from him without pissing him off more. She was innoccent completly innocent. and he hurt her, when he grabbed her face and bent her backwards over his arm. I LUNGED forward without thinking anymore and grabbed her from him comforting her against my shoulder in about 1 minute she was calmed down little tears still streaming from her eyes but cuddled close to mommy, when I looked at her face I almost threw up, there was blood trickling out of my infant daughters mouth.

She was 8 months old, I took her to the emergency room as he told me that if I did they would take her away from me. I took her there and she was all smiles and giggly by the time Igot there, I didnt tell them what happened. I just asked them to check her out because she had had blood in her mouth. They said she was fine and sent me home with her. The next day I took the huge leap and called the police on him after I noticed a bruise on her shoulder in the morning and he started in on a huge fight taking my keys and the phone, punching walls and doors and the fridge.

They came and took him away, but they took her too, they had her catscanned and it showed she had a skull fracture, from some time when I left her alone with him. He told me if I called the police on him ever they would take Aria from me. They took her and left me with nothing, they said I was likely to let him come back if he got out of jail. I will never let him back and now all I can do is fight for a baby I failed to protect in the first place. All I can do is pray I can do everything they ask and prove I will never let this happen to her again.

I have to relearn what love is and how to let him go. Knowing now... I cant fix him.