The future is not friendly with Telus

This might be a grumpy rant, but I feel no need to protect and change the name of the guilty.

I should bill them for my time. I had a cell phone that they sold me as refurbished and agents of Satan assured me that the residential area I lived in was completely covered by relay towers. I apparently lived in a dead zone living in a dorm on campus with cement walls. So they convinced me it was my phone that had not the problem not their precious network emitting radiation upon the unborn children of North America. It had was in need of repair not their pyramid scheme.

Total time to figure this out: at least 4 hours per 20 minutes call yelling and cursing the automated voice system and the thick French accent of the sales rep while she had me on hold and looked in her translation guide... do the math. Not including the number of times the cellphone died while they were attempting to do diagnosis while on the phone. I asked one operator if it would help if I threw it out the window and she failed to see the irony of airtime. How can you work in customer service without a sense of humour?

Found out after my phone was fubar that the warranty did not cover it any more because I had it more than three months. It would cost $50 for Samsung to 'inspect' my $25 refurbished phone so why not just get a $50 contract and a new phone. Thank-you smooth salesman. It was only a few days past the 90 days but there was nothing he could do.

I might have dropped it a few feet off the bed to the carpet a few times, but it was one of the sturdier phones made at the time: no external antennae, crap pixelly camera, and chunky solid. Still it was a write off.

Maybe chucking it at the couch because I would have liked to chuck it through the wall from so many dropped calls -- reconsidered as I didn't want to wake my roomate with a phone sticking through his wall from the living room at 11 o'clock at night -- that couldn't have prolonged its life much.

That four hours talking to college drop-out 'agents' doesn't include how they fudged up my bill and it was coming up as over $100 for two months in a row when it should have been around $60 and I was being billed for extra talk time that I thought was included.

Did you read the user agreement and realize the limited coverage was the first question. I was sure I read it twice, but now I want to kick the sales associate who screwed it up when he entered it.

I only know this to be human error because afore-mentioned smooth salesman at another Telus dealership finally admitted sometimes they don't know what they are doing if they are new.

Lesson learned. Don't go to the downtown location in TD Square in Calgary, Alberta. They are fools who are too busy and understaffed.

Total time spent fixing my bill: three hours again and 20 minutes per call plus 10 minutes waiting. This is a joke of their 'fast track wait time queue'.

Now I just want to check my bill electronically because the automated voice system makes me want to commit kamikaze on Telus corporate headquarters. That or the person who invented voice recognization 'customer convenient' dis-service. Foul language has clouded my cellphone in attempts to get a human being to answer my questions.

I wouldn't be so mad if the technical support guy wasn't so stupid. It went something like this:

I can't get into my account because it says the user name doesn't match the password. Why not?

Can I have your name and PIN number? (how does a question answer a question?)

It wouldn't let me log in.

Well I can't tell you about your account as I don't have access to it from here. (so what did you need my name and PIN for?)

I wasn't asking for that, just how to reset my password.

Oh so what was your username and PIN? (this has to be the fifth time to be asked after talking to two 'agents' and again do the math).

Okay I reset the password, would you like to try to access your account now?

It doesn't let me, repeats the same error message.

Do you have the caps locked by mistake.

(Holding tongue) I know passwords are caps-sensitive.

Oh.... well maybe you didn't correctly enter your password or username.

(Holding tongue) I'm pretty sure I can spell my screen-name. (I have been using the entire time I've been on the internet, sadly 15 years)

Well I can access your account on this computer. I'm not using a special computer so just try to correctly enter the password and username. (At this point he was talking to me like a 'special' short-bus user).

Is there an error message?

Yes CCR55E

What? I asked if there was an error message?

Yes CCR55E

Could you repeat that?

charlie charlie romeo 5er 5er echo (could I be more clear)

What? ohhh never mind (apparently not) I have never heard of that error. Is it a pop-up on your computer.

No it's right on your website page.

Well maybe you have a memory issue. (I wanted to scream there's nothing wrong with my memory besides forgetting of why I keep hoping customer service will be helpful) Because sometimes you will get error messages if something's wrong.

I'm pretty sure it's not my computer, it's been running fine for the past two years.

Oh well maybe you should check from another computer to better assess if there is something wrong with your computer.

Thanks for your help... *click*

Tried to sign in on another computer and now I am reconfirmed that customer service is an oxymoron. Clock another half an hour to my bill. I wouldn't be so mad if I haven't had almost exact conversations with numerous 'agents'.

The next guy told me it must be an incorrect password if I could not log in. He was amazed that he could log in once and then not the second to fourth times. Asking himself how did I log in? repeatedly. At this guy had the common sense to just create a new account. After five minutes he was talking to me like I was stupid and talking slower, so I hung up before I decided to tell him what I thought of that kind of service.

No really... could I bill Telus for eight hours of gnashing of teeth and weeping bitterly at the lack of quality service as that is the kind of broken communication conversation I've had with all but two 'agents'. Why agents, are they like the corporate version of agents of evil? And so obtuse too... The third guy apologized for the other two when I complained I felt like I was being patronized and talked to real slow.... so he gave me a $12 credit on free caller ID.... weeeeee that eases my pain. This is crazy. But such is modern life

Don't get me wrong, I like my cellphone, it's a shiny black LG chocolate that I can take snaps of my girl when she's being cute. I find that text messaging is totally useful when my friends are too busy to talk on the phone. It's a great way to avoid people with voice mail or be contacted if I'm waiting for a call but not going to sit around next to a landline.

But seriously.... the amount of grief I've gone through at the incompetence of customer service. I don't need any appreciation days. Just some people with brain cell synapses firing. Especially when they keep transferring me to the wrong department or back to the automated speech system that will transfer me to the right customer care service representative. I want cry.