Marriage

Been talking with people lately about love and marriage and this naturally got me to thinking about those two subjects and how they’re related because, to me, they’re very closely related. And I think, unfortunately in our present day society, they are often not related. And, after some chattering and probing, I began to wonder just what it is about them that makes me feel the way I do. So, here goes.

A very interesting segment of my memories from growing up involves my father. He was most certainly not an affectionate person at all, and very unsentimental as well. But, I can remember him sitting and watching the Bride and Groom show on TV with big tears running down his cheeks. Something about marriage was affecting him in a way that nothing else seemed to do. Even at that young age, probably in my early teens, his reaction had an effect on me and has stayed with me through all these years. What was it about marriage that seemed to change him, at least temporarily, so drastically.

Let me begin by saying that I’ve been married for 48 years now and can’t imagine not being married to the wonderful lady that’s my wife. I can still vividly remember our wedding day, her looking so beautiful coming down the aisle, sobbing by the way, and I remember having a feeling like none other I’d ever experienced before or since. It was a combination of euphoria, the culmination of anticipation, complete fulfillment of a dream and who knows what else. I’d known her since we were 10 years old and couldn’t imagine back then that we’d become life mates. Yet we did, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

It’s interesting that at the time we got married (1959) there was never a question of not getting married, no thought of just "living together" and not being married. It was probably the time, but that was greatly frowned on and people who did that were looked down upon in general. But, things and times have changed and that seems to be a common practice these days. So then, other than my strong religious convictions that marriage is a sacred act and very necessary, is there anything else that makes it important. What is it about being married that can improve a life.

Let me begin by noting some things about society that may well be related.

Commitment these days seems to be an endangered species. I look at simple things such as employment. I worked for the same company for 38 years. At the time of my retirement, I was in a small off-site office with three other men, one with 47 years with the company, another with 42 and the third with 35. Perhaps we were foolishly loyal. Many of the younger employees thought so. For my "era", that kind of employment history wasn’t unusual. For today, it seems very unusual as mobility and change seem to be the common factor in the employment field. But, to me it does echo a form perhaps of a lack of commitment and a focus on the individual and the wants of that individual vs. what might be best for the "group."

I also look at professional athletes as another example of this change. As I grew up, players tended to stay with the same team. There were, of course, good and bad sides to that, but it was nice to have a certain continuity there. I had my favorite teams and players and they tended to stay fairly constant over the years. Today, players go where the dollars are. Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with that but it certainly makes the sports scene much different than it used to be. And, it emphasizes the current trend toward "what’s good for me."

Of course marriage is about that commitment. And, the commitment can be there without the marriage ceremony but it seems that the ceremony can somehow cement that commitment. Standing in front of a crowd of family and friends and pledging yourself to another person . . . forever . . . seems to create a bond that’s stronger than making the commitment in private. It may be psychological or emotional or perhaps a bit practical too, but it seems to me that it certainly does strengthen the bond, given that the words used are spoken with honesty and sincerity and the absorption of what’s really being said within the words.

Before my wife and I were married, even during the engagement period, one or both of us could have decided that our relationship just wasn’t right and wasn’t meant to be and we could have walked away, with hurt and emotional anguish of course, but with no restrictions on the "walking away." But, once we made our wedding vows, that possibility was changed. The question was not, "do we stay together?" but rather, "how do we work things out between us?" Personally, that has never been an issue, but we have friends who have done that, who recognized what that commitment signified, and worked out their differences rather than simply disregarding the vows and walking away. It seems to be a mark of our current society that we’re more dedicated to "me" than to "us". The marriage ceremony and vows emphasize and impress on us what kind of relationship is being entered into. The idea that the "two" become "one" is a symbol of how that relationship should be working.

When I’m doing wiring in the house, I often twist the wires together. I know they’ll work and carry the current under normal conditions. But, I also know that if too much pressure and stress are applied to the two wires, they’ll separate and become two individuals and not carry the current any longer. If I really want to be sure of the connection, I make them take their "vows" by soldering them together. I know this joint will last until it is somehow physically destroyed. Marriage should be a little like that I guess, soldered rather than just twisted together.

So, in conclusion I guess I could say that love leads to a commitment which leads to marriage where I firmly believe the public vows and ceremony help firm up that commitment, which leads to working out any problems and issues, which leads to deeper love, which leads to deeper commitment, etc. And that’s what marriage is all about. An unconditional love and commitment to becoming one and staying one for as long as you live. Kind of "old fashioned" maybe, but the deepest and most satisfying thing there is.