It's been a very hard time for me lately. Good things have happened as well as bad things, but I think if I've learned anything it's that keeping a normal life going on while in the background *things* keep happening can be stressful regardless of whether the things in question are good or bad.
This time last year I was a teacher. I worked in a scheme-school in Glasgow where, to put it bluntly, the vast majority of the pupils, teachers and parents saw no real value in my subject. I was working without another teacher in the same subject to collaborate with, my mentor and head of department was off ill with cancer and the rest of the department were, understandably enough, too rushed off their feet in covering for the missing faculty head to help me in learning my new career. Exam pressure was starting to build for upper school while lower school kids were experiencing spring fever and refusing to behave. The job was temporary for a year, so while I was worrying about teaching, exams and about fulfilling all the requirements to become a fully qualified teacher, I also had to fill in applications and attend interviews for a job this year. When I attended one interview and got poor feedback I was absolutely crushed. I kept wondering why I put myself through so much for so little in return.
Summer came and I had no promise of a job. I attended three interviews and was offered three jobs. Suddenly I started to notice my confidence begin to creep up again, although it would be a long time before it recovered to anything like it's prior level (if it ever does...) I accepted a job with three day's notice.
Meantime, my gran was diagnosed with lung cancer and a brain tumour. She went to live with my aunt, too ill to continue to live independently. By August we knew she wouldn't be treated. By mid-September she was in a hospice, and she died at the end of September. That was harder for me than I knew at the time: I tried to remain philosophical about life and death and couldn't understand why I kept having emotional outbursts.
Now that I had a permanent job I was keen to own my own home. Despite the fact that my poor husband was still writing his thesis, I started house hunting. We found somewhere and were all set to move in when we found out that there were legal issues with the property. We pulled out on the Tuesday *after* we were supposed to have moved. Two weeks before Christmas, and everything we owned was in a box -- and we were very lucky that we had an understanding landlord.
In December, my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She and her fiancé were absolutely thrilled. For a while they were worried about her, as she wasn't eating very well, but she soon got into a rhythm.
Over New Year, a close friend of mine was summoned home. Her mum had cancer and had only a few days left to live. She died a few days into 2008. I'd met her a few times and she was a warm, sensible and entertaining person, full of fun. Some friends and I travelled down to the funeral.
Shortly after, my husband and I put an offer on a property and it was accepted. We arranged to move in at the end of February. Not long afterwards, my brother bought a property as well.
In mid-February, my sister's fiancé died abruptly. His two children from a previous marriage were up for half-term. They had a week of films and going skiing and fun, then his son found him on one of the beds on the Sunday afternoon and couldn't wake him up. He was declared dead at about 3 o'clock that afternoon. I didn't find out until near 6. My sister was, and continues to be, devastated, and my whole family is still shellshocked. It was over a week before a post-mortem decided he'd had a heart attack, although he was fit and strong and a non-smoker.
The funeral was scheduled for the day my husband and I were supposed to collect the keys, and about two hundred miles from where we live. We made alternative arrangements and travelled down for the funeral. We moved house over the next few days.
It is fairly obvious that my sister's entire world has crumbled round about her. From blissful happiness with a man she loved and a new baby, she now has no man and a house she can hardly bear to enter for the memories. She and the baby are staying with my parents.
And me? I feel... emotionally shattered. Low on resilience and low on motivation. Don't really know what to do with myself. I'm still doing everything I was doing before, but they seem to mean less. I hope it will pass and I'll feel contented again. I liked feeling contented. I'm trying to be normal... and succeeding too well at times, I suspect.
Thank god I haven't been trying to teach during all this.
A little account of what I've been up to. Only read if you're interested.
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Wow
Thanks so much Jo, for the update. It was only about two days ago that I was looking at some old poems and read one of your comments. Seems appropriate then that I saw this.
It's amazing how life swirls around us, and often the "debris" caught up in that swirling hits us pretty hard. Seems that's happened here, maybe more than it should have. It sure has to be devastating for your sister, and consequently you since you're family. Too much for one so young to have to be burdened with.
But, sounds like personally, things are going pretty well for you. I had three kids who could well relate to your job interview experience - they interviewed, were rejected and consequently crushed by the experience. But, as you did, they interviewed again and were consequently hired - as teachers no less.
I have missed you for sure and am glad to hear you may be around more. I have several hundred poems for you to read and evaluate.
Hahaha - kidding of course. I still greatly appreciate your thoughtful reading and commenting.
Paul -
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Thanks for the comment, Paul. To be honest I wasn't sure if anyone would read it. It's been a hard time for a lot of people near me lately, but you're right that actually my life is going pretty well if I just think about myself.
I'm not online much just now -- just what time I can snatch in the evenings or at weekends -- but I may just find the time to critique a poem or two.
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Don't try too hard to be "normal", Luv...grieving is what would really BE normal, and you should give yourself time and permission. (I lost my Dad last year, just two months after you lost your gran. My heart goes out to you in this, as in all the tragedy that followed! I especially feel for your sister; that's just too much to fall on anyone's head! Will she be taking on her fiancee's kids, or do they have other family?)
Question: in paragraph three you mentioned accepting a job on three days notice...then in paragraph five referred to it as "Now that I had a permanent job"...but later said "Thank god I haven't been trying to teach during all this."
What IS this new job...and how's it working out during all this stress?
We've misssed you, Dear...more, I think, than you may well realize. Please drop in a bit more often, if you can manage it? -
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I'm a "renewable energy consultant" -- I look at potential wind farm sites and advise on the technical aspect. I started in August, with a 3-month probationary period which turned out to be just a formality. It's *far* less stressful than teaching, and the people are fantastic, so it's been actually reasonably good.
Regarding the normal thing... I think I'm trying to be normal because I don't really know how else to be. I never liked snapping at people who aren't at fault just because I was in a bad mood.
I will probably do what I was doing a few months ago and pop my head in occasionally now I have home internet again after moving house. -
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I bet it IS less stressful! But it sounds rewarding, as well.
I've been working on a degree in health administration, preparatory to "trade schooling" in diagnostic imaging; I want to be a bone-scan technician, since I no longer have any issues with reproduction (and since radiologists make really good money around here).
"Only read if you're interested."
I can't imagine who wouldn't be! I'm gonna go shamelessly promote this column in the Pub, since the fave-lists got messed up a bit, a while back, and a lot of people who'd want to know may not have received a notice. (Don't worry...I won't start a new thread for it, and at worst I might get a smack on the wrist; I got friends in high places now!
)
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It's good to be promoting something that I think should be promoted -- by which I mean renewable and sustainable electricity sources. It's varied and interesting and doesn't have the immense highs and lows of teaching. In other words, it's a proper job!
Cheers for the promoting. I'm now trying to work out who's the friend in the high place.
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I'll never tell. It'd get back to Kevin, and likely result in all sorts of repercussions.
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