Human Error Will Annihilate The Planet #2

This series of short writings seeks to educate the public on their various downfalls, whilst seeking to better people by telling them how to exist without being a total waste of space.

Human Error Will Annihilate The Planet #2

'The Customer is Always Wrong: Why you are a cretin and what you can do about it'


To the immense detriment of my psyche and general health, I work in a convenience store...

In this column I will list the 10 reasons why I believe that the phrase 'The customer is always right' is a hideous, twisted perversion and a titanic falsity. I will also, in an effort to better the world rather than simply spite it, suggest alternatives to these acts of pure idiocy.

The general mass of public slime in my area seem incapable of intelligent shopping. This is meant to be a student area, and, indeed, the vast majority of the customers at our shop are students. This fact confuses me immensely, since these customers use our horribly over-priced CONVENIENCE store as a supermarket to buy their weekly foods.

As a little example, for £20, (shopping sensibly at several places within walking distance of my workplace store) I bought the following:

1 pizza
4 tins of tuna
3 chicken breasts
1 pack of beef mince
1 bunch of bananas
1 sack of oranges
1 large onion
3 peppers
1 pack of biscuits
2 tins of pineapple
4 tins of soup
1 jar of mayonnaise
1 apple pie
1 loaf of bread
2 jars of sauce
1 lettuce
1 pack of tomatoes
... that's as much as I can remember off-hand.

Today, at work, I served a customer who looked not dissimilar to me in terms of his apparent situation. He appeared to be a student, my age, living in the area. With £20, he bought:

2 chicken breasts
4 tins of tuna
1 carton of juice
1 pack of ham
A few packs of sweets

...for £20.

I got myself more than a weeks worth of food. He got himself enough for 2 days; if he ate like a hobo.

But I digress... Back to the 10 reasons that the average consumer is a vile, salivating moron:


1-You mince around the shop floor, gormless as a lobotomized dog, using the shop as a communal area for wasting everyone's time.

2-You approach my till with a look on your face as if you've just realised that everyone you love has been killed in a fiery explosion.

3-You refuse to take off your headphones when dealing with a shop assistant; refusing to believe that they are a real person, and choose instead to be a repulsive ignorant swine.

4-You respond to my cheery "Hello" or "Good evening" with silence or a barely audible grunting sound.

5-You find it much too taxing to force out a single courteous syllable; "please" when asking for your cigarettes and alcohol.

6-You buy food with no regard as to what the fuck you're doing. What the hell is humous? Do you really NEED a Snickers right now? Would your life be incomplete without 3 slices of corned beef for £1.80? Would reality come crashing down around you if you didn't stop to pick up your daily Monster Munch?

7-You bypass the whole "Thankyou" portion of our transaction in favour of perpetuating my distaste for you and your pitiful excuse for existance.

8-You shop with convenience in mind, with total disregard for value or quality. You are a mindless shit, brainwashed by TV and fashion.

9-You believe that there are only two shops in your area: conveniently enough they are the two shops that have a household name and that are not run by anyone of a different ethnicity to you.

10-You buy Humous.


So, on to the 10 things that you can do to stop yourself from becoming even more of a pointless, abhorrent waste of life. These quick fixes relate directly to each number above, and provide simple, easy to accomplish alternatives to being a turd.


1-Write a shopping list before you go to the shops. Decide what you need, go to the shop, go straight to what you need, buy it and leave. A shop is for shopping; not socialising.

2-SMILE! It's a simple thing to do and it really does make a whole lot of difference to how much of a total arse people assume you are.

3-Remove the headphones when you're dealing with another human being. And remember that shop assistants, despite the fact that we are able to tolerate the horror of your face, are, in fact, not emotionless cyborgs! It's true!

4-When someone says "Hello" to you, say it back. This is incredibly simple. It's possibly the easiest thing that anyone with vocal chords can do to improve their chances of not being skinned alive in a terrible orgy of bloodshed that may occur some time in the future...

5-Once again, a simple fix; say "please" when asking for something. I once had a customer who, without any consideration as to how to actually be a real person, said to me; "WHERE IS EGGS?" I had to pause for a few moments to actually soak in what had just happened. I felt violated and had to use all of my mental fortitude to prevent myself from seperating him from his spine.

6-As a follow on to writing a shopping list; buy what you need. Sure, have a treat or two, but try and eat properly. This means no instant noodles. Why do you eat crisps? They're shit and a waste of space. Buy fresh fruit and veg from a greengrocers, fresh meat from a butchers and make yourself a real meal. It will be more delicious than a ready-meal, cheaper and it will make you feel like you've accomplished something meaningful in your totally meaningless life.

7-Once again, common courtesy is a very simple thing; say "Thankyou" when someone does something for you. Why does nobody have manners anymore? Did someone decide at some point in the past few years that it's a bit too much effort to squeeze out a pleasantry from time to time. Fucker.

8-Shop at several shops. Don't just go to the nearest shop and get whatever they happen to have. Decide what you want and go to the appropriate place. Supermarkets may be taking over the world but independant shops do still exist and they offer a much more friendly service, and they sell better goods. Fuck, I get stuff free when I go to my local asian market because they fucking love me. (Here's a fun idea; guess why... That's right! I'm a courteous, smiling customer!)

9-This one was more based on the area around me as opposed to the whole world... Either way, look around for better shops than you are used to and don't be a xenophobic shit.

10-Don't buy humous. You know you only do it because all your friends do and because it's 'cool' to eat crap like felafels and pitta bread. It's not delicious, it's not nutricious and it's probably dissolving your brain.



So there you have it; follow these simple rules and find out how wonderful it is to be a real person.