everyone is always asking what's wrong with me. do i look sad all the time? or is it just something that people say and don't really mean. are they actully looking for something deeper than "ok"? and what if i tell them? how will people re-act to me? can i tell them that i am all mixed up about everything inside?
i'm battling a monster whose hell bent on ripping me to shreds. and no one is stopping it. or maybe i'm not letting them. there lies my problem. i can't tell them. i cannot accept help. i won't let anyone, even the one i love the most, inside. no one gets why. i'll tell you. because once you let someone inside, it becomes impossible to kick them out. they get lodged some where between your heart and your soul and when they phisically leave...their memory tourtures you. i know that eventually, everyone will leave me alone. so why go through that tourture?
but for some reason, i find that not letting anyone in hurts me more because i hurt them. they don't think i trust them. i'm telling you now, i trust no one. i did that before and it screwed me over. i wish i could trust people. mostly my friends and my super wonderful girlfriend. i try to trust them. and in a way...i do. but i still try to hold them at a distance where they can't work their way deep inside. at a distance where they can't kill me if they go.
however, i think i'm cracking. her smile is beginning to be the thing i look foward to everyday. her eyes make me want to say everything i've kept bottled inside. her voice, her face...it's all beginning to weaken my defenses. part of me is trying to let her in...and for some odd reason, i fight it. i want to let her so far in that she knows me better than i know myself...but i'm so scard that she'll leave and take me with her.
and i'll be nothing.
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Your words are absolutely beautiful and brought tears to my eyes...and I would like to let you know that...yes...there are people out there who will hurt you and leave...but there are people who will hurt you and will never leave as well. No one is perfect...but when you find someone who cares enough to stick around no matter what...you'll find that maybe that bit of pain is worth it.
There are too many people in this world who feel they can't trust and can't let people in...and it truly saddens me. I hope you can find it in yourself to let go of the fear and let people touch your heart...even though I know how you feel, it's still worth it...if only to feel the happiness it brings, even if they do end up eventually leaving...because, sometimes, it's not always their fault or choice.
Wishing you the best.
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I definately understand the whole not letting anyone in because you think they'll all leave. I do it all the time. And even when someone does get in, I tend to find a way to kick them out.
I won't leave you. You're too amazing for me to leave you.
<33 -
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thank you. i won't leave you either.
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Sweetheart, you know I love you
You're probably one of the best friends I have, and I trust you more than I trust Corey.. cuz let's face it, he still is prone to Boy Syndrome. I think you're beautiful and wonderful and amazing, and if anyone screws you over like that again I'm definitely not holding back (partially because, hopefully, I won't be trying to keep myself sane too >.>
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And I think you should stop fighting and let her in. She's amazingly wonderful for you, and you know it takes a lot to get my seal of approval
I mean, look how long it took me to stop hating Kermit =) -
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thank you. i love you too. ur one of the few people who is sort of inside of me and i trust you with a lot.
J'adore toi, ma belle souer!
<3julia
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