we didn't manage new beginnings.

excerpt of a diary.
i didn't want to post this as a piece of writing because I probably will actually delete it. This is the only writing I'm doing so far. I really am fine then I think of him.
This weather has something to do with it.
Gloomy days = gloomy sandra.
enjoy!
&& critique away( if you can actually find something) I won't change anything because this is a diary entry, but it will be interesting to see.

You think I’m such a bitch.
You’re angry at me and it’s just stupid.
All of this is. We should be together. I know this is a new year and whatever and whatever whatever. And I know you don’t want to talk to me. But fuck. I can’t stop thinking about you. I have to admit it gets better. But I think why should I stop thinking about you. I love you. Am in love with you. And will fall fucking madly deeply in love with you if you gave me a chance. I sat here reading over the past things I’d written to you, I didn’t even title them with your name so I stumbled across them by accident. And I wrote how I just needed to grow up. And it’s true. I did need to grow up. I have and I still want you. I realise my mistakes, every inch of them and if you would let me I would try and fix it all. I just can’t figure out how I’m suppose to get over this. I tell myself that I need to get a new boyfriend and then I’ll forget about you..

I probably would.
But that’s not going to happen.

I actually just want you.
I want you to come back to me. Not her. Oh please no fucking way. It really kills me. I love you. I can’t say it, to anyone anymore. It’s over now, for you , for everyone, for me. It’s over for. I don’t think anyone will love me as much as you did. Nothing will ever be the same. I don’t plan on going cadets anymore because of you, I can’t do it. I want you to miss me. To take it all back. I want you to miss me.
I WANT YOU TO MISS ME. AND DAMN IT.I WANT YOU TO MISS ME.

I had to delete you off msn. I couldn’t stand seeing it anymore. I still want you to be able to see me, but no I couldn’t see you. Fuck why did you do this to me. I don’t know which is worse. Being friends with you or not. Either way I wasn’t happy. I want to just have you.

I don’t know if you would care if I died. I’m dying now. You don’t care. You lie and say you do, as if it’s some consolation, but you don’t. And it’s not like I can come to you YOU DON’T WANT TO SPEAK TO ME. How fucked can you be?

I will never find anyone like you. I can’t talk to anyone like I could talk to you. And it kills me inside that I let it go. But it kills me even more that I can’t do anything to make you change your mind. It kills me that you don’t want me around anymore.

Forgive me. And talk to me. Forgive forgive. I’ve grown up, I’ve grown stronger. I’ve stopped cutting myself. I did it for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you for me for you

FOR YOU.

22:41
8th January 2008

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I don’t know where most of this comes from sometimes. I sit and home and think I’m ok. I’m fine, I’m doing ok. And I am. Inside and outside. But then I’m alone and I think of you. Well I’m alone when I’m fine too, but when it starts burning deep I’m alone and I think of you. I’m fine with this. I know all the days are long and hard and gloomy. But I just have to keep reminding myself that I will get over you. On the other hand I don’t want to see your face. I didn’t attend cadets purposely for that. I’m fine and then I think of you. I think of you and I’m fine.

Where is the point of sanity?
16:37 10th January 2008