Most importantly for me, right now, is that I am successful. Success, loosely defined, would be that I stay focused and fulfill what is most important to me. That my proposed plans about my own future and **self-actualization** actually happen, and I do not remain stagnant. This is of utmost importance and priority (though, I admit, sometimes i am swayed in certain moments off my course, and cannot ignore unacademic things that may require my attention) Above everything, this is my primary concern. It is what my confidence rests upon. My motivation. Whatever it takes, I need to actualize my projected self.
I acknowledge that I am in love. If i were not, if i did not find this individual of great value and someone i feel overall harmony and loveliness with, I would not have channeled the energy I have into what has gone on between us recently. My feelings have been shaken, and i have been more than prepared to end my connection if certain needs were not met. The things that have counterbalanced the hardships have undoubtedly been things worth so much more.
I currently feel rather confident in our connection, our relationship, our communication, and us as people - individually and together. I feel as though, despite my sometimes rather abrasive skepticism, he has expressed and demonstrated such tenderness, affection, romantic love, and care. This continued effort to make me see the sincerity of his feelings allows me to trust and believe - things that have been difficult given our previous unique circumstances.
I have asked myself and wanted to confront whether I could feel confident continuing on without this person, and being alone. I have come to admit that there would be a few weeks that I would find such discomfort in not having that beautiful connection with him, and I think i would even find myself jealous in whomever he feels would be worth his attention - a feeling that I dont feel that often. I would suffer from the idea of being easily replaceable, that what he felt from me wasnt so unique or even intense at all. But, as I dont believe in a *one soulmate* sort of predetermined thing, I feel confident in my ability to meet new people, socialize, and focus on my own pursuits. Ive always been okay being single, though I do get periods of sensitivity to a lack of intimate, beautiful, sincere and deep connection, and the sort of qualities I seem to love are quite rare to find in people. They aren't so simple. I think that the most important thing is that as long as I continue to be ambitious and fulfill my ambitions, and be happy with myself and am productive and creative and my spirited self, I trust that I will find a romantic partner that would be wonderfully balanced and complementary to myself. I want to be realistic - though I really am, at heart, a true romantic. It is strange to think that what would allow me to get over a break up would be ambition, hope, looking forward, trying to forget. Is this illusory? negative? fiction? avoidance? Im not quite sure. Although I am able to reflect on memories of *A* without any sort of sadness, longing, or discomfort. And the way I felt for him was the naive intensity that comes with a first love. (Im sure criticizing what i don't like about the person certainly helps in being able to get over it).
Having said this, and despite my sense of realism I keep connected to, I want to be able to put more confidence into the health, vitality and continuity of my relationship with *K*. An overshadowing, lingering thought that comes to mind more often than not (perhaps due to the occasional over thinking) is wanting to know the intention of this relationship. Less obscurely: what are some general projections? And I really don't want anything much more than general, because I really am a spontaneous and changing person. (Why, just within a month and a half so many of my projected plans for my future have changed!!!) I know that, although I would like to do a couple of things on my own (for example, go to Japan for a year or so)...I am confident enough in the potential of our relationship and my feelings that I would want to find healthy compromises for my ambitions, given that our personalities find fulfillment in each other. If opportunities arise, I hope to share these opportunities. This is my intention.
I am really inclined to think that, if a similar intention isnt mutual...there is something almost futile in my excitement and desire to share myself.
Here is where I get funny, paradoxical, unsure, and everything all at once. Because immediately, I look at that assertion and think it rather absurd.
Do I feel life itself is futile because of death - an absolute and impending end? Absolutely not. And in fact, life seems to still hold an element of mystery.
So why must I feel that if there is an intention to "do things without compromise" then what is being shared now is futile? And why do I immediately feel that is absurd and not true??
To speak of futility: there is a certain impulsiveness about this feeling. And yet, there is something that is almost degrading and devaluing about a lack of care to compromise. It seems to indicate something almost selfish and effortless about the person's interaction and partaking in the relationship, as though they only want what is easy. Why is this so troubling? Well, i dont really think it is very troubling in all cases...but it is definately disheartening if there are deeper and more intimate emotions involved, for me at least. If someone complements your personality, is a best friend and wonderful lover, is an inspiration and respectable, then such a person of quality seems worth trying to keep in one's life (without thinking too much of keep as something possessive in a relationship context...i mean, to sustain or parallel) What a rare treasure - it is priceless and is so nourishing for the spirit, the heart, the mind. Human beings are communal, and thus the spirit (or mind) may suffer with too much solitude. Is this too romanticized? I do not know. But sharing goals, and feeling as though an individual is so positive an addition that they are worth at least wanting to include in one's life is important. I think i can conclude confidently by saying that this is perhaps a goal of romantic relationships, although certainly not the only one nor the most important. But I find it quite inextricable to the web of goals for love relationships, and find it hard to imagine myself investing myself in a
relationship where at least one party outwardly did not care or feel it worthwhile. To speak of the absurdity of these thoughts and feelings: things are prone to fluctuations and change. It is the nature of being an organic, living thing. There seems to be a continuous line of being, but things evolve, fluctuate, or change entirely. Things are unpredictable. Life is uncertain, and a mystery. Even our own selves seem to be ever elusive. As a result, there is a ridiculously high value in being able to just SIMPLY enjoy the present and what occurs in the present and deal with the present. To take things day by day. (although i do find that the day by day is not immune to the connectedness of days, to thinking of what will happen the next day, and so on.) There is no way of absolutely controlling what is to be - only the way one deals with what is. It is this simple. Therefore, relationships needn't have the complex dimension of time thrown into it. They should just simply be, and be appreciated for what they are.
However, the fact is that we not only exist in space, but we also exist in time. Time is a dominant part of our existence, our lives, our very being. And we are rational reflective creatures...and are bound to think in terms of time.
And so i wonder, where does that leave me? What am i to do? How do I feel.
I love him. I want to be okay with moving on. I accept that things are unpredictable. I have faith in my ability to find new connections. And yet the connection that IS, that is right now, is so worthwhile, so beautiful. I want to take the relationship day by day, and live spontaneously and in the moment. But not at the expense of losing the connection and relationship so easily and haphazardly.
What the fuck.
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