God Give Us The Grace

This Story Is of my Alcohol Abuse and the Abuse I endeared as a Child
God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
have listed some text from an unknown author With information On Alcoholism. Please Read This all. If not my words then read the Information I have Submitted from website

Letter to Gary from Jail about my life dreams and abuse

Hey baby me again,
Got tired of playing solitaire and reading books so I'm writing you. Guess I should tell you some of my history. O.k. here we go. My alcoholic stems from a lot of things
1. It runs in the family. My parents are both Alcoholics. I never saw them drink in front of us, but saw Vodka, Rum , and Gin and etc. around the house. Got into a few times. I do remember seeing my dad roll & smoke joints in the car also. Said they were cigarettes. But when I got older I knew it was pot. Mostly Mom would go out to drink by herself. She'd come home drunk or be drug home, but no matter what there was always a fight. We didn't dare come out of our rooms. Sometimes she'd blame it on us said she couldn't control us, we were brats, so we got beat also for her drinking. She was always drinking & my dad working or playing with his toys, or paintball matches. Never really spent time with us. When I got older I started lying for her. Defending her when she came home. Had to help her to the bathroom. Help her with her pants so she could pee. Hold her hair back so she could puke. Help her to her bed. Take care of her hangover. We had to do all of the chores. Since the time we were old enough to step up on a stool & reach the sink or washer. I'd always get in trouble for being the parent. Punishing my sisters & brother for their wrongs. Freak'n wrong.
2. I always saw my grandpa and uncle actually drink beer and smoke cigarettes. Mom didn't smoke but dad did. She wouldn’t let him smoke around us though. Anyway gramps & uncle always had a beer in hand. So I got into it sometimes. Got busted once by my Dad. I took some home and didn't finish one so I dumped it out the window. He smelled it & searched my room & found 2 more oops. I was like 12 or 13.
3. Never had friends till I met this boy Rob on a field trip was 14 almost 15. My mom took me to his house and about shit. When she found out who his dad Jim & step mom were. She knew them from Darby Tavern. She'd even met Rob before. Jim knew how my Dad was from seeing him drag her out a few times. He was going to at one time help her get a divorce. Anyway made friends cause got drunk and stoned. They always let Rob have parties. So I made some friends in Orient. They were younger by a year or two, all boys. Then some got girlfriends & shit. At 1st I was the only girl, sides the step mom. Had so much fun. Even enjoyed school a little better for a couple of years. Cause I had some friends. I could actually talk to people for once. Sometime Rob & I would go to his moms in Grandview. Met his friends there. They were like the Gothic type. Chains, makeup, black clothes, loud rock-n-roll music & shit. Pot smoke rolling, Beer cans flying Chugging 5th's of Jack & Jim, Poppin Extasy. God I got fucked up. After that shit we'd go to his Grandpa's Warehouse Johnson's Catering Roach Coach. We walked out of there with bags of goodies FREE! All the shit was cool for a while then I got a job at a Gun Club, then a car, then a 2nd job at Kroger’s. Made new drinking buddies. Still got pot and beer from Rob and Jim whenever. But just got busy , didn't hang no more. School was much better being stoned everyday. Didn't have to listen to people's crap.

Ok enough reasons for right now. That's all I could think of for the moment.

My dreams when I was a kid were to be better than my parents. To have more than they ever had. To have a loving husband. Someone I could talk to about problems, life or whatever.
For me to listen to him. Instead of running to the bar like mom. To have kids. To have a country farm. Huge Barn indoor arena. Animals of choice by kids, husband, and me. I wanted lots of land. Fences dividing acres for horses, gardens, play area for the children. Wanted an older style house with wrap-a-round porch . The front would be beautifully landscaped. Want tall old trees around the house. Some of them having old iron wrap-a-round seats. Wanted a Gazebo in the back. Rose & Flower gardens around it. Walk through trellis between house & Gazebo. With vines & flowers upon it. A hammock, & many iron benches trough out the huge flower garden beside the paths. Wanted lots of friends so I could invite people over for cookouts. Have a huge stone pit barbecue. They could bring their kids. Kids could play & ride horse, fish in the pond I would have, just do whatever. Also wanted to have a guest house w/ screened in porch & in ground pool.
When I was a kid I always wanted to be a vet, police, fire , same as now. I always dreamed of being on TV in a horse jumper/rider comp. Wanted to race in a steeple chase in England. Go fox hunting w/ dogs & other riders. Wanted to go to Alaska & run the Iditord Dog Sled Race. Wanted to travel the world. Ok enough of dreams for right now.
Ok I hated most all kids when I was younger. I grew up around older people. Summers I spent with Grandparents & their company. In Florida my aunts lived on either side & Jean & Andy lived down the road. Member Tim the guy with uncle Steve at Candlestick. They were his parents. I thought all kids were stupid idiots & in mature. I never really played with toys either. was to busy cleaning, give my dad a back massage, putting lotion on his feet, popping pimples on his back, and washing his hair in the bathtub of course it had lots of bubbles. my dad wasn't a pervert. Drying or combing his hair. My mom should have done these things. Sometimes he made us walk a mile to the store & back for skoal. pop or whatever. B/c he was too lazy. At grandmas I always had to clean room, make bed, help dust, straighten my drawers, Clean stalls, dog kennel, Feed Animals. Barely had enough time to play. Always took off with horses 2-3 hours though. That's about all the fun I ever had there. Playing in woods at home. though at times it was disturbing.
My sisters were always jealous cause I got to go to Florida w/ Grandmas. I was jealous of them for having friends. They didn't include me in anything they were scared I would get mad & hurt them. Chased Cari around w/ a knife one time. & another time with a ball bat, her & her friend Michelle weren’t helping me put up the Christmas tree. Johnny & I got into a fight one time he wouldn't come home. So we got into it I broke his glasses & cut his face when I hit him. I was a mean little bitch.
At 5 yrs old in kindergarten I thought I was smarter than those idiot's. Ignored everyone. Didn't want to be there. One time I got mad at a girl named Dawn for being mean to someone so I grabbed the teachers paddle & hit her. Of course I got paddled back by the principal. Never cried or said a word when he hit me made him mad. Had to be strong. I remember sticking up for a boy Ben. He wore thick glasses, always slobbered, 1 leg shorter than the other so he limped, always had a cold snotty tissues on his desk. Nasty. Everyone picked on him of course I got mad got my self paddled for yelling at them. Stupid kids always picking on me trying to get me to cry & make me mad. They knew I was shy. Some knew the reason why. Kids from the trailer park would threaten me if I said a word bout what they had done to us. Would start shit if they saw me talking to anyone. People would call me names, like trailer trash, slut, whore, stuff like your mommas a... , Where'd you get your close from, neighbors trash. I always cried to myself never in front of anyone. Kept my pain & anger inside. This pissed em off so they picked on me more. To try to make me cry. On the playground, I always sat by the building. Watching everyone play boring games. Middle school wasn't as bad, more kids from different schools. I was spread out from my previous schoolmates. But still ran across some of those idiot's & they ran their mouths to new friends. Now I had new aggravations to deal with.
The reason I why so shy was because me Amanda & Cari were molested by neighborhood kids. Off & on from 5-14. Not going into detail don't remember much blacked most of it out. Just remembered it happened in the woods. At first they said we got stuff for ya candy, or a puppy's there and ya know. Then it was blackmail or abuse to get us there. I remember carrying Christina around just so I could walk to get mail or to smoke in peace. So they wouldn't throw rocks or spit and throw mud at us for trying to avoid their meanness. A few times the shit happened in our house. When my mom was drinking and dad working. Keith the neighbor moved in next door with girlfriend Lisa & 3 kids at first mommy trusted them to keep an eye on us. They did at first. We was all over their house all the time playing cards. Lisa would do our hair. We'd watch their kids for them sometimes. They let us drink me 13 Cari 12 Amanda 11, mostly me. Then the shit started with Keith. We went one night Cari Amanda, & me with him to get some firewood somewhere far away. On the way there he put his hand between my legs. I got nervous Cari said he grabbed her butt that night when she picked up a log. I didn’t go to his house for a few days. Went back and babysat One night fell asleep he came home sat down & started rubbing my hair & face then my breasts & under my dress waking me up. I jumped up felt guilty cause Lisa walked in. She said what the matter said nothing & ran out. Went back me Cari Lisa & him playing euchre he started with his feet under the table got up & ran to the bathroom said I had to pee. This shit went on all winter. Finally day of my birthday Mommy Lisa & Lisa took Cari Amanda & Christina to go get my birthday present & cake me & Johnny stayed home was riding our bikes they went by & stopped & said doors locked don't go to Keith’s either kids are sleeping just ride your bikes said all right 2 hours went by we were tired of waiting so we went to Keith’s opened the door & walked in. He shoved Johnny out the door & locked it. He tried to rape me but I got away clothes half off. Later on we had my party over there. Didn't want to but he threatened me if I said a word. So I had to act like nothing happened. They fixed Daiquiris Keith poured vodka in mine when my mom wasn't looking. 14 days later I got in a fight with a stupid bitch in the trailer court. I just let all my frustrations out. Bus driver had to pull me off of her. Later I told Michelle, Cari's friend what happened & she told Lisa. Lisa came to me & I told her. Keith got in trouble along with two kids. I just got mad & told everyone. But from all of this crap I’ve learned to be a good person. Learned to be independent. Strong, Not really screwed up from all of it. I hate looking back & have nothing good to remember. Guess I got to make a good memories now for myself & others I'm around. Got to go & don't lose this letter. I want it. Case I ever get to counseling. So I don't have to tell them why I'm fucked up. Just let them read. Love u Love me Infinity
Please don't hate me for what I have wrote down don't want u to think well she’s had a fucked up life & she’s crazy I’m not I am what I am I'm fine just telling you some of my past.
P.s. My mom & dad are like totally different people know They've changed. I’ve never really told anyone as much as I’ve told you here. Dwight knows a little but not much details

These Are My Tales Of Alcoholism

My drinking started just on the weekends, Then turned to one extra day a week, Then everyday it seemed. I at first thought I didn't have a problem with it. I told my self that My problems was my personality. I was very shy and people at the bars accepted me for who I was. I had never felt like that before

I was an excellent pool player, and loved to compete against people it was fun. I'd take on two guy's and beet them both. They were pissed but at the same time they loved that, I was an excellent pool player. I could attract anyone and everyone in a bar and I ate it up. I just thought I was addicted to the attention not the alcohol at first The alcohol was there yeah but that wasn't what interested me at first.

When my ex husband left for an older women things got worse. I drank morning, noon, night, at church, at softball games, just where ever. I carried a water bottle with me and poured clear alcohol in it no one even knew the difference. It didn't even smell like alcohol, just told people if they asked that it was a fruity water.

I had quit my job that I had been working at for 3 years, I was a Kennel Tech at Petland. I moved in with my parents. Then one night I got a stupid Dui. After, I got a job in the town I was born in at My Distant Cousin's Bar she had just opened, I was a cook. I worked during the day and at night, I'd drink. I got to know the Bartender, He was really nice, and very smart, and had many friends.

One evening my co-worker said did Mark (bartender) say something to you. I said no Why ? She wouldn't tell me I was curious so I started Hanging around after the bar closed and helped him clean up, play a few games of pool then go home.

After a few days of this he invited me to have breakfast, so we went and ate. That night things turned intimate. Just a few innocent kisses. I had fallen In love again. Didn't think that could happen cause I was still stalking my husband trying to get him back. But It did, and I was falling in love with Mark. We acted like nothing was going on at work but people knew for the way we acted around each other, and they knew because I refused to leave when the bar closed for the night. I was in love but yet I kept drinking. Thought that I could but couldn't he tried to help, taking me to alcoholics anonymous but he didn't know that my water was spiked.
He knew I had recently gotten a DUI and he tried to help me all he could but things just got worse.

I got fired from the bar Out of Jealousy. The manager liked Mark and the excuse was for my firing , You are embarrassing my company , by drinking after hours. I told them your retarded, I never caused problems in here that's no excuse. Two weeks later Mark Quit. Was unhappy cause he couldn't see me everyday.

I then became a land surveyor worked that job for 2 years. I found a guy that my ex husbands girlfriend had been living with and hooked him up with a job there he also was a drunk. We had something in common. Plus I used him to get information on my ex husband. We'd drink on the weekends mostly together. Mark didn't like this but I needed a drink to get my mind off my ex husband.

I became pregnant with Mark's child and lost it due to the drinking at four months of pregnancy in September I was devastated. So more and more I drank with Gary my co-worker, Mark became more jealous of me and I thought we'd split up actually We did we had gotten an Apartment together and he had taken my stuff to my grandmother's but later that day we made up and we brought the stuff back .

In October it was time for me to go See my probation officer, he actually was a school mate of mine, though I never talked to him. Some one had snitched on me and. He tested me for Alcohol that morning and I tested .048 at 8:30 am Unfortunately I went to jail for 30 days . Was pissed all to hell. I know it had to of been Mark but he swears up and down to the day it wasn't him. The P.O. only knew what Me and Mark had known So That's why I think it was him. So I spent 30 days in the click thought this would be good for me I didn't want to drink when I got out but as you know I was becoming an alcoholic and went straight back at it.

My boss kept my job for me we were really close. Him and he's wife were an older couple from Missouri and they had taken I liking to me. I also Had been there first women Surveyor and was damn good at what I did. They got me Involved with They're side job Quixtar, the new Amway. Wasn't very good at it because of my personality. But I humored him by setting up meetings with people and letting him help me talk. They even invited me to Missouri To the Adams Mark Hotel across from the Arch gate way to the west. It was beautiful (David Emmit Slagle passed away this year due to Cancer God Bless His Soul).
Anyway I went back to work and began taking alcohol with me. Gary as well did to I had to pick him up b/c he didn't have a car and we drank through out the day together sneaking to a bar on lunch as well.

One night I had my son . Actually We had been trading weeks with him and I did the most stupid thing I had never drank during the weeks I had him. But one night I had become stressed and drank, I was at my grandparents house And they were gone, It was late. about 8 or so I had passed out and was woke up with what the heck are you doing sleeping do you see what Trysten has done . He had gotten a hold of a permanent marker and Colored all over the Kitchen cabinets I was so Embarrassed.

About in the middle of December I had gone out with Gary again that night we were by my sisters house and Decided to go and see If we could stay there for the night Her boyfriend started arguing with me and pushed me out the door and I hit the concrete, I got up and decked his ass. And He then again pushed me down and Was about to hit me And Gary grabbed him. We left and he called the cops on me They picked me up on the freeway and took us to the station And gave us a Breathalyzer test Thank god I passed don't know how but I did. I called Mark He came and picked me up. I didn't dare tell him I was with Gary again. We went and got my car and I took off to go get Gary, Mark hot on my tail. Wasn't supposed to be driving cops told me to pick my car up in the morning. Anyway I got Gary and we managed to get away from Mark and I drove to work and let myself in and we staid there for the night cause I couldn't go home to Mark to embarrassing, and I didn't want the argument.

A few weeks later I was at my parents house and I told them I needed help. They said like what I said I don't know I'm drinking to much did you see what I did to Jonathon. He deserved it though He pushed me first.

Another week went by and I was In a bar alone during the day . All of I sudden I see cops Pull up out the window and My dad behind him. Don't know how he found my car because I had hidden it behind the building. Dumb luck I guess I tried to run out the back door But my damn Uncle was there. Tried to run Out another Exit and A cop was there tried to run around the bar but they had me surrounded. DAMN!!! My dad and my uncle took me to Talbot Hall an Alcohol rehab and Admitted me. I was trying to get a hold of Mark On the phone And Couldn't hadn't talked to him in days. I know he had to be worried. They nurse gave me A sleeping pill but I had so much alcohol in my system that it didn't matter. I had been drinking Beer mixed with A Rusty nail And sucking I'm down Probably had about ten or so . I heard the elevator coming up as I was trying to reach Mark again As soon as the nurse stepped out and the door almost shut I darted out. I hitched a ride with some old black man to Mark's house. He was having a nervous breakdown was about to kill himself. I showed up and we comforted each other I told him I was sorry and What I had been through that night. We then went to get my car and it was gone so we drove to my parents house and there it sit I got in and tried to start it and Wouldn't you know it My DAMN dad had rigged it so it wouldn't start what an Ass.

A few days later I got my car back cause I needed to get to work. And I needed to Take Gary to work also. Its January by now Me and Gary went out again after work . drinking and playing pool as always. Gary had disappeared for I while so I went looking for him. I went out side and my damn car was gone So I went next door to the gas station and called mark and the cops and reported my car stolen. Before the cops came I saw him pull back in to the bar I went up drug his ass out punched him in the face jumped in and headed towards grandpas house On my way there here comes the sirens and lights Shit.... I pulled over. They asked for registrations and license I gave it to them They said this car's been stolen I said yeah I found it and the idiots back at the bar where I left him . They said Mame have you been drinking I said what do ya think. I was getting smart with them I knew I was going to jail and I didn't matter. They said would ya please get out of the car we are going to give you a test. Of course a failed. But Out of No Where He comes my savior to the rescue. Mark Told them what was happening and that'd if he'd let me drive to my grandpa's a few blocks away he'd follow me and make sure I didn't go any where else but with him And Wouldn't ya know I was let go . God was watching over me that Night Again I believe. They did pick Gary up and He spent the night In jail.

After that I began to realize and listen to my inner self. That's enough You gotta stop this or Your gonna be up shit creak without a paddle. That night was it. No More. From then on out I had a beer every now and then With Mark's super Vision. He took me to work each day and picked me up in the evening's He helped me through the shakes the misery, and what not. I worked my job for another year until November When I became pregnant with Our son Logan Mark's First Son. He had 5 daughter's Logan was very special to him. His ex wife was jealous though because I gave him a boy She started hitting heavy on the child support . They had 3 daughters together. 2 other daughter s were from previous women. 18 months went by and we had a daughter Bertie Grace named for my grandmother who had passed April 2004. This was the first daughter I had had So we traded. I gave him a son He gave me a daughter. I than k him from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me thorough all my ordeal's . I wish there was more people out there like him to help Other's if it was not for him I d probably be dead or have killed someone by now . He is My savior. I'm glad God Led him to Me.

Now for the inspirational part For all those children out there head my words That can't wait till they turn 21 one to drink. Drinking ain't all its cracked up to be its misleading. One minute your out having a good time with friends. Thinking its all cool. It is at first. but then the next. It turns into going out for a drink instead of going out with friends. It creeps up on ya. You think You don't have a problem. You make up excuses to your self. Don't do it like I did drinking every weekend, every weekend turns into three days a week then four days a week then drinking before work then drinking at lunch and etc. Alcohol is a drug It is addictive You don't know it at first because it's a new experience. Why people like getting drunk I have no clue for When you wake up in the morning you may be sick, you may have a head ache, You may wake up to someone you don't know and end up with some kind of Disease. Thank God I never went Home with any one For if I had I 'd probably have some kind of disease right know. I was more interested in drinking than sex.

For all those out there that think that they may have a problem YOU DO listen to your self It's your own body telling you to stop Your hurting it . Or it may Be God speaking to you. Please get help. No one will think Your stupid And If they Do to hell with em . Its Your Life and They should stay the hell out of it unless there family. Those people are the devil tempting you into further Drunkenness. You may end up getting a Dui I always told my self I wouldn't but Wouldn't Ya know it did happen to me. I drove excellent with beers in my system So I thought. All it take is the right time and the right place for them sneaky bastards to pull up on your tail.

For all of you out there that have friends that you think have a problem tell them they do. Get other friends and family members to tell them that they do have a problem. They NEED HELP. Go to an AA meeting grab a book and mysteriously place it where they'll find it. Give them Lots of room though don't storm in all at once. Go about it a little at a time. Sometimes they know they have a problem and All they need is a little push in the right direction . They do it on there own. Some time you just gotta Put your foot down like my dad did and snatch em up Don't be afraid to ask the police for help 7 times out of 10 They 'll do it.

This Story Is Part Of My Healing Process Long Overdue To be Written Or Told.

These Are My Letter's While In Jail For Violating Probation For Drinking
Letter's were wrote While I was in jail because of my drinking These letter's were supposed to help me through my drunkenness but failed I later straighten up you have to read my tales of an Alcoholic to get the whole picture..

To Cara From Mark
Dear Cara
I will begin this letter as with all my letters by saying that with which I would most cherish to hear from you, and that, is that I do still love you with all of my heart and soul and I miss you with every breath that I take.
It is with my earnest prayer that this letter finds you in the best of health both physically and spiritually, and that you are not harmed from your current disposition.
I am well, or at least as well as can be expected, I have started working out at the gym again and am going through the torture of quitting smoking, I have lost a few pounds and I feel pretty good physically, emotionally though I am a wreck, I am still plagued by nightmares and can find no comfort for you are not here, my heart is broken and the silence of my pain is deafening.
My greater concern however is you, I worry for your safety and fear for your emotional stability, the same questions pulse over and over in my heart, are you alright, are you well, are you suffering in any way, can I help , what can I do? I know that the anguish of being pent up must be terrible for you and I truly wish that it had not happened, I know that in reality we both know that I cannot control your actions and at the time neither could you, and I somehow think that maybe god intervened in your life to save it. I do however pray that you are taking time to analyze your life and since you are now sober maybe you can take some steps to help yourself, and make plans for your future.
Which brings me to the purpose of this letter
I will begin by making a statement and then I will prove that statement by bringing to bear the evidence and will let you decide if it is true
The statement: I love You
The Evidence: Through the countless lies that you have told me, the drinking, the disrespect, not moving in like you said you would, the loss of our baby due to your drinking, stripping for others and staying at their house((Note: I vaguely remember this and I believe I was raped I woke up and snuck out of the house walking for miles until I found a phone and manage to call mark He found me on the side of the road close torn, bruises upon my face))and this other stuff with Gary, Through all of that and more I have endured and yet here I sit, pen in hand, writing to you with as much love in my heart for you as ever and more that that the willingness to put unto writing what I am about to say: I forgive you because I truly still love you. It would be easy for me to say that all of those things came to be because of alcohol but then you could use that as an excuse, and for these actions there is no excuse you must bear the burden of your actions drunk or otherwise.
However the forgiveness of my heart does not extend due to the excuse of alcohol, I extend my forgiveness because I love you and true love is forgiveness. I do not think that you have ever had true love in your life, no not even from your parents, and I think a lot of times you were skeptical of my love, and did not trust me but through all of the things that you have put me through I have remained loyal and true to one person.... You!
and even though you are where you are right now, think about where I am , I'm writing to You!
If that is not enough to prove my dedication then I hope what I continue to write will be.
When I think of you I think of many times we talked about your dreams and how you just wanted a normal life, a little white house with a picket fence type of life, and I took you seriously and have taken it upon myself to provide you with that life, that dream and so I make you this offer look at yourself see what your lifestyle has gotten you thus far and if you like what you see then keep it, and keep it to yourself, for I will not lower myself to that level and will have no part of it, but if you don't like what you see then change it take this opportunity to seize life by the horns and control it As I have told you many times before, your eyes are in front of your head not the back, so look forward to the future and stop comparing it to the past.
I know that change is difficult it is tough to enter the future with voices of the past calling you backwards but if you are strong and you continue forward you will put many miles between you and your past and those voices will fade away into the distance. Between your past and your future and this is my plea : You have the unique opportunity to walk out of there a new person I beg of you to come back to me. I will help you build a new life, new friends (true friends) new goals and new adventures, new memories, and new hopes, I will get you the help you need and provide you with the love and attention you deserve, I want to do the dance of love with you want to hold your hand and watch the sun rise and fall on fours seas, I want to shower you with gifts and bathe you in romance.
I want to caress your skin with my hands and soothe your heart with my song. I want to hold you in your sleep and wish you away into your dreams. I want to do the do the dance off love with you Cara Will you take my hand and let me lead you onto the dance floor of life, take my hand and let me waltz you into a brand new world.
I am the man of your dreams but you never let me show you, I ask of you now, walk out of that world you are in and walk into a new one with me, let me show you the way to your dreams, let me be the one to share them with you.
I know it is difficult but it will be easier to do with someone who truly loves you... as I do.
And so I have said My peace, I have offered you all that any woman could desire, and I have done so gladly.

If you choose me and the life that I offer then I will surely be the happiest man alive and will begin the process of helping you, I will get a attorney and approach your judge personally and plead for your release to rehab, I will get the psychiatrist that I found for you and get him to see you as soon as possible, I will prepare a place for you in my home and in my heart and will bring you anything you need.

Should you choose otherwise I will no longer write to you or call you or have any other contact with you in any way. I will suffer with my broken heart alone and will only dream of the dance that could have been Please answer soon for I need to know what I should do Love Mark Henderson

To Mark: From Cara
Mark Hello again , Just received your letter today. Finally! Like my drawing? Don't know what to say or how to answer your letter. I know what I want and I want it bad. I don't want to get what I want fearing I'll still feel the same as I do now. I can't change I'll always be stuck in this crappy world, I live in. I wouldn't know how to change. Couldn't learn to live with a new me . I've been this way for way to long. I'm sorry but you should just let me be. Let me go on. No matter how much I want to change, wanting new memories, hopes, for my dreams to come true. I could never go there. Would never be happy (truly)Never been happy, wouldn't know how to be happy. I can never forget my past no matter how much I want to. Can't forget the recent past and won't forget the future. My mind will be so full of unpleasant memories by the time I die. You should go on and make someone else's life perfect I'm sorry . I’m scared of both a good or bad future. Doesn’t matter which I choose . You deserve better than I can give. More than I can give. I'm not worthy of any good. You can't help me. psychiatrist's can't help me. A.A. won't help me, rehab won't help me. Only person who can bring me out of this crazy world is God when he's through punishing me. Been 23 years and he ain't through yet. What did I ever do? Why did I have to be brought up in a World of crap, world of abuse, world of drinking? Why do I do stupid things that I do? Why do I choose the wrong thing to do? Why is it only me and my family that's had to deal with so much? Why can't I black it all out? Why can't I forget every bad thing that’s happened to me? I’m sorry but I think it would be impossible for us to be together. I think we should part ways. Go help someone else achieve their dreams. Cause I'd never be happy anyway if I did have my dreams come true I'm Sorry Cara

To Mark From Cara
Sorry It's me again Don't know why I am writing again Cause you probably won't even read , but if you do You'll know whats in my Heart, I miss You, I love You, I don't know why I've done the things I've done I don't know why I was so scared Don’t know why I’m crying right know but I am. I’m an idiot I’m a failure I don’t deserve to be alive I cant control my feelings I can't control my actions Just go with the flow I’m not ever happy I’m always depressed I’m a mess of emotions all the time I need help I can't go on like this It's not healthy I don’t want any thing but help right now let the rest be a surprise to my life. Don't know how I’m to get back on my feet Well I never have been on my feet so I don't know how I'll stand. Don’t know how I'll take it if I stand How will it affect my life How will it feel to think good thoughts? I'm a mess I don't know what to do for fear of many things. What an Idiot Drunk I am Need answer's and advice Cara

To Cara From Mark:
Dear Cara I Love You
I sent you a letter yesterday, Today I received your last letter, Let me Love You and I will Let me Help You and I will Call Me as Soon as You Can Love Mark Henderson

To Mark From Cara
Mark Hey how ya doing Me well crappy, the weathers crappy, this place is crappy, Every thing is fucking crappy. Anyway sorry for writing got bored of reading, bored of sleeping, bored of playing cards. Started thinking about you. I wish you were still a bartender So I can come and visit you every day, Come help clean up every night, Play a game of pool, I miss you not having a job for a few cause then you were as the same as me, with me. I miss your parents being gone and having the house all to our own Your kids over every now and then, The mowing of grass, picking of apples, The swing, the couch to fall asleep on while listening to you wash the dishes, or talking on the phone, or doing your crosswords. Miss that homely atmosphere. It was peaceful that way till your parents came home That’s what ruined it all Besides getting Hunter back again and seeing Dwight . Wish we could go back in time. And change a few things like them not coming home(parents) The apartment didn't have the same feeling, you had a different job, I couldn't come and see you no more, Couldn't go to breakfast with you or the wheat field in the early morning under the stars. Your job and your new place is what changed it's what took you away from me. Not really the drinking. I didn't go away you did. I stayed the same You changed Sorry that we can't be together.

To Cara From Mark:
Dear Cara
I just received your letter and I must admit that I am truly heartbroken by your decision.
Though rejected, my feelings have not changed I still love you and always will. I am sending you this letter with a copy of the last letter you sent to me as a reminder of what you wrote, the purpose of that so to reply to your statements Change takes time, one must have patience and exhort effort, and one must try. The healing of wounds so deep require the healing powers of love and forgiveness and if you will not permit me to be the one to administer that aid then let God, for he is the only one who loves you more than I do, He is the only one who cares for you more than I, and he is the only one who can save your soul. Turn to him and he will heal you, and save you. We know not what tomorrow brings, what decisions we will make, or paths we will choose, and to that end I make this statement, My offer still stands eternal, You may change your mind at any time, My heart and my door are forever open to you, I will take no other as a love, for you are the last. Someday the winds of change will flow through your heart, and when they do, I will be here. Be it today, tomorrow or ten years from now, fear not , for you may come to me and I will honor my promise. My door and my heart are always open If you ever need a place to rest or sleep, or hide I will harbor you, I will feed you if you are hungry and will wash you if you need, I will comfort you and warm you if you are cold, also I will just be your friend if you just want someone to talk to. My house is your home whenever you need, My heart is your heart whenever you choose. Sincerely with Love Mark Henderson Ps Yes I do like the picture pss If you come to my apartment and you don’t see my truck that does not mean I am not there I park it in the garage now. I love You are always worthy of God, he will accept you as you are and so Will I Remember the tracts you found they are true.

To Cara From Mark
First I must apologize for typing this letter instead of hand writing it, I know that it is uncouth but My arm is sore from working out and it hurts to hold it up on the table and makes my hands shaky. In the past four days I have received 3 letters from you , all of which have affected My mood drastically. However none of them have changed My Heart, I do still Love You, regardless of My Mood. I responded to the first letter and included a copy of the letter You sent to Me, Basically You stated that I should move on and make someone else happy, My letter of response was to assure You that My feelings will never change and that you are the last Love I will ever have and that You are always welcome to come to Me and I will Honor My Promises. Soon after that I received Your 2nd letter that I will copy and enclose basically says You love Me and You miss Me and You want a new life but don't know how to get it, and that You wanted help and needed help, I took that as a cry for My help, Something I have been offering all along. That letter lifted My Heart and soul to a new high and I rushed a letter to you asking you to call me as soon as you could, My hopes were High that you were set to try, and I eagerly want to help. Now today I received another letter from you that is reminiscent of the first, and once again My heart has slipped into darkness, not because of what You say in the letter but because of Your perception of who I am and who You fell in Love with. I will also include a copy of that letter also so that You may see things that I wish to point out to you. First of all, you keep apologizing for writing to Me , Stop that, you write to Me because You still Love Me in Your Heart and I know this, and it is a joy to My Heart to see You go through the trouble of proving it. Secondly You say that you miss me being a bartender, helping Me clean up and shooting pool, You say that at that time I was the same as You, But that is not true, You did not even Know Me as a bartender, You knew My Name, You knew my talent as a Bartender, you knew how I looked, dressed, Carried Myself and very little else, and likewise I did not know You either, I knew Your name, How You looked, dressed and that You drank a lot in an effort to hide from reality, I also knew that that was not the real You. It was not until after You went to Dui hotel for a week and dried out a little that I finally got to see the real Cara, and I must admit I was quite stricken by the entirely different person I saw, and to be honest I was quite attracted to You after that, I liked the Sober Cara, She was Interesting and smart Funny and Nice, I definitely like the Sober Cara You also were sober enough to get to know the real Me, and if you recall, You were trying to stop drinking so much because I had made a few comments about just getting out of a relationship with a drunk and how I hated it, Yes Cara, I did notice that in fact that is what led Me to flirt with You in the first place, I could see what You were doing, and why, I greatly respected that and was very flattered by it. And if you recall the times that We went for breakfast and the talks that we had had nothing to do with drinking, they were about us, as individuals, hopes and dreams, desires and wishes, fantasy and reality, Life and Love, when those conversations became more serious it was then, in the parking lot of Tee-Jays You sitting in Your car and I outside kneeling beside You that you told Me how You felt about Me, and I told You how I felt the same. It was the night I also told You how Much I was hurt by My last love due to alcohol and that if You were serious about Me You would have to either get it under control or get help, and at the time You emphasized to Me an Extremely strong desire to get it under control, it was at this time that I also told you that You would have to do it for yourself and not for Me, and you agreed that that was the case, You knew even then that You could do it. I also must confess a secret to You, One that I have not revealed thus far because you have not been sober enough to think hard about it, but now I'm sure you are and this I shall reveal it. On that Night I knew what I wanted to say to you, and hoped that You wanted to say the same to Me, But because of My previous experiences with an alcoholic I wanted to be sure that any serious conversation that We would have would be done sober, and so when You came into the bar that night I was talking to You about controlling Your Drinking and had challenged You to only drink two that night, well you drank four but that was all night and I was sure that You were not drunk, it might have been sneaky but I had to hear You speak from a sober heart. It was also the night that we went to the Wheat Field, it was then that We not only made Love but Created a Love, Between Us. It was that night that both of Us were sober, very sober, We fell in Love....sober.
In Your letter You go on to say how You miss the time We spent at My Mother's house while they were traveling out west, The mowing of the grass, the swing, the apple tree, the nap's You took, You described it as a homely feeling, and it was a very comfortable feeling, and it was it was the time that We spent together just the two of us, and we spent that time getting to know each other, falling in Love with each other more and more each day, I like to think of that time as the Happy Time and I think of it often, I know that You do too, and I know that You want times like that back again just as much as I do. But there is one thing about that time that You are forgetting, at that time You were pretty much dry, We would occasionally drink a little but You were basically sober, the real Cara was out, The Cara that had been suppressed by so much drinking was alive again and enjoying every day., the real Cara, the Cara that I fell so madly in Love with was alive and Loving Life, soaking up each day like a dry sponge, I could see it in Your eyes Cara, the real you was Free Free to love again, and We did Love again. I with You and You with Me and that love was growing stronger every day, and You did it Cara, the real You, The Sober You. Think about it Cara, when we fell so much in love, You were sober, and You were free. When you think that I am trying to change You into something You are not, You are mistaken, I am trying to get back something that I know you already are. Just like You said in Your letter, You wish that we could go back in time, I too wish the same, I wish that I knew then what I know now. I could have helped you and You would be with me right now. I know that you don't want to hear this but I am not trying to be mean, I am only being Honest, I know now that you definitely have a "dual Personality Disorder" if I had only known then when you were sober I could of gotten you the help you needed and You would be over it by now. Our lives would be like the time We spent on the swing, every day. That is why I wish so hard that You would let Me help You now, I know what is wrong with you, it is allot like Jekyll and Hyde, the problem is that you allow Hyde to take over, You allow Yourself to give up The struggle You feel inside all the time is Jekyll Trying to get out, The real Cara wants to be free but the alcoholic Cara wants to wallow in suffering. The only way you can fix that problem is to see a Psychiatrist, It doesn’t hurt but it sure would help, In fact I know that it would cure You and Allow You to have Your life back, and when that happens I would Love to be a part of it. Think back at all that has happened between Us, and how it came to be surely You will see what I mean. When we were at My Parents House We both knew that it would end and when it would end, but unlike what You say in Your letter, their coming back did not bring about our demise, it was the change itself that You did not handle well, and I understand why you allowed the Alcoholic Cara to take over again....Fear... The fear that we could no longer spend time alone together, and it was true, We had to wait until I started a new job before we could get a place of our own , which by the way you were looking forward to it very much, but deep down inside You allowed the alcoholic Cara to convince You that it probably wasn't really going to happen, When we applied for the apartment You were convinced that We would not get it for some reason or another and I could tell you were a bit shocked when we did get it. But remember We had waited almost 3 weeks before we could move in, it was in that time that the Alcoholic Cara took over, It was then that you first lied to Me, It was then that You lost all sense of reality and began not showing up for dates disappearing for days on end, it was then that the real Cara gave up, it was then that my pain began. Since then I have learned a lot about you, I understand why You didn't think we would get the apartment, and why You were afraid to move in and I understand Your distrust of not only Me nut all Men, I tried My hardest to show You My Sincerity, and that I was trying to talk to the real Cara only the drunk Cara heard Me, and I am still trying today, right now to convince You of My Love but to show You I am sending You a copy of each of the letters that You have sent to me over the last 2 day's Look at them and read them as if it were someone else , In the first letter that Cara is Crying out for me that Cara needs and wants help, that Cara is reaching her hand out of her Misery and is trying to get back the freedom she so recently had, that Cara is the real You, that Cara is the Cara that wants a swing, an Apple Tree, a Wheat Field and an endless night filled with stars, that Cara wants happiness, that Cara is the Cara that was before the alcohol, That Cara is Real. Then read the other letter, that Cara places blame on others for Her misery, That Cara convinces the real Cara that no one really cares about her, that Cara gives up and gives in at every obstacle life has thrown her way, that Cara is an alcoholic and is not ashamed of it. that Cara will do anything in Her power to keep the real Cara from getting help for if the real Cara gets help the Alcoholic Cara will no longer exist. Through all of your troubles that you suffer, that is what it really boils down to, the struggle is not Your own feelings Your feelings are good and healthy, your true feelings are the true You. most of Your struggle is with an Alter-Ego that has not only manifested itself due to an unhappy childhood and Adult life but to make it worse is also an uncontrollable alcoholic, rid yourself of the Alter-Ego and You rid Yourself of almost all your problems, then the real You can once again find Happiness that You so much desire and yes so much deserve. I beg of You Cara, let the real You be strong enough to go to a psychiatrist, it is the only way You can be healed of Your Problems, the only way, don't let the alcoholic Cara make excuses, don't let Her make You lazy or convince You that it is useless, be strong Cara, Try. And as I promise if You decide to go I will get one that specializes in that arena and I pray I will pay for it also. It is about 3 am and I need to get some sleep, It is my most earnest Prayer that this letter will help You see Yourself in a better light, and I pray to God every night for You, I also hope that You will know in Your heart that I am not trying to convince You that I love You I am trying To show You just How much I really Do. Goodnight Cara I love You Sincerely with all My Heart Mark Henderson