The Working Minds of Cassandra Ellovy

I wrote this one night and didn't realize what it meant till I reread it the next morning. I have come to the conclusion that I wasn't actually consious while writing this.

I want to cry sometimes. But... where can I cry? Why should I cry? I usually hate people seeing me cry. I can't stand it. I can't show weakness. She wouldn't want me to. But there are times where all I can seem to do is cry. I don't want to eat. I can't sleep. All I can so is cry. But, I'm showing weakness. I didn't cry at her funeral. Why should I get to cry now? Sometimes I fell I live outside of this world. That I'm not actually a part of it. That I'm the audience, watching what goes on around me. I feel sometimes that people are forgetting me. Forgetting who I am... who I once was. I feel as if I'm in my own world, but no one knows me there. I'm helpless. Cold. That I shouldn't be here. Even when it's my world. Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I'm not actually here. That I'm just a ghost who just haunts people. Make others feel good about themselves. Maybe that's why I'm here. Everyone is here for a reason, are they not? Maybe my reason is up and I died. I sure feel dead inside. It sometimes pains me to even smile. Like when I see someone I love. I smile easily when they... he walks up to me. It's easy to smile. But when they... he walks away, I can barely contain the tears. But I hold them in. I don't let them come out. I can't. That's weakness. I can't show weakness. At least not when she can see. And she sees all. She's gone now. But she still sees. But does that mean I'm not dead? But I still feel dead. There has always been something missing. Could it be that I am missing my heart? But that would render me dead; for people cannot live without a heart. And if I feel I do not have a heart at all, wouldn't I then be dead? But then I would be with her, where she could not see all. That would mean I have to be alive. Part of this world. But I'm not part of this world. Far from it. This is not my world. My world is dead. Gone. Wouldn't I be gone as well? To a place where I don't hurt the ones I love with hurtful comments and actions. Then it should all end now... shouldn't it? That way everyone would... and could live in peace. Without me to bother them with silly things such as hugs and kisses. Why would they want those from me when they could get them form someone who isn't confused? From someone who is in touch with reality all around them. He... they don't need me. I'm just a distraction. That's all I am. All I ever was. Maybe I wasn't dead. But I'm not alive either... well, I'm not living. A bother is all I've been to everyone. One big pain. But what if ending it isn't what I'm supposed to do? Then what? Exist? I already don't do that. I'm not existing. Maybe... I'm just... there. Yeah, that works. I'm just there. Non-living. Abiotic as some would call it. But I was living at one point. So I would still be biotic. Only.......... dead!