Thanks to everyone here (in a contest and many group boards) I've been kicking my eating disorder and mnay other things out of my life. I'm clensing myself of everything, I want to be healthy happy and not stunt my growing and love for life any more
I'm not saying I'm happy-pappy
I never have been, and don't think I ever will, I have a determination inside of me that will never leave and it can turn dark inside of me. So therefore I will never be completely satisfied with myself. I have goals in life, I'm going to study science, but on the side try out acting, stage and film. And another dream of mine; modeling
Another thing that has changed, my body image. My state of mind isn't fully healed, but I'm a healthy weight and coninue to ignore the voice inside of me. I got over a deadly hurdle a few weeks ago, school swimming. I was in a swimming costume. I could see every inch of me, and I didn't go into the toilet and slam my head through the mirror. I could take it. it made me think how strong I was becoming, but there is a long way to go
I have this alter-ego inside of me. Her name is Rita. I'm not saying this as a metaphor or attention ploy. This is a way to say, she exists. That means there is a way to kill her. 5 years she has ruled over me. From when I was 9, to now. It must end now, and I'm going to go about it the right way
14 has been an imporant age for me. I reached a mental low. I discovered who my real friends were. I chose a career. I chose a personal style. I've been single for a year and discovered I can last. I've fallen into what stands as love for me now. I've kept my virginity for another year. I've lost people close to me and met people who have changed my life. I've been to Scottish Youth thetre. I've went through cutting fests and cuttinf fasts. I've got many scars. I've preformed countless times. I've been slowly building my self up for the future. Though I've let my body crumble, and my mind was following.
Therefore, in January, 15 will be an important year for me too. I shall be healthy and find an inner peace. I will search for auditions. I will keep the friends I have at the moment and find some more. I will find my spiritual mind state and, Lord: I will get a boyfriend
Just thought I'd let this out, show you what's going inside me right now. I can't let it get as bad as the start of this year. Or when I was thinking of leaving this earth completely in 2005. I'm not letting it get me down
A song that influenced me was "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. And I will let that be my anthem for my life. I'm not an angel, I'll never be a faerie. But damn it, magic can exist, I have found it in people around me. As well as people on here. I love you all so much
And nobody can bring me down
My life has changed in many ways. 14 has been a very important ago for me, this is me kind of getting my head around it
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Babydoll, you are so strong, beautiful and just generlly amazing. You have the tools to do whatever you wish to, and friends who will stick by you through everything, no matter how hard it gets.
I just wish I could come as far as you have. But that's not important. What's important is that you have, and I'm so proud of you for that, I wish I could just wrap you up in a hug so tight your eyes watered.
Love you babes
x x -
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You are strong, and so beautiful in my eyes
You really are
I love every atom in you
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Thank you my darling
I love you
x x x
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Lauren, I have just adored you from the moment I met you. In your words; your poetry - I saw a lot of myself when I was younger. I saw your pain, and the beauty you held so tightly beneath it all. You are an amazing person - and even the fact that you wrote this, even just to tell yourself - and let it all out, says so much. We never have to be that person that screams inside, and to some extent I think we have all found those inner 'demons' that can make life so very hard to understand, except, and learn from. The lessons we teach ourselves is sometimes the most important of all. To love and be loved, to live and let live. Life wasn't intended to make us miserable, I firmly believe that. Did I ever tell you I was a cutter? I know the reasoning, the blame, and those pure feelings of not wanting the attention - but embracing the pain itself. I lived a very hard life - I was the one who made it that way. My choices were never good ones, and my mind was a fog. I spent the last 10 years of my life numb to most everything - even before that though. Drugs were a big problem for me. One more than others. I had the other end iof the image problem, I have always been heavy - and for years absolutely hated myself. I would cover the mirrors up completely. I lost friends, because I was unhappy, I found false ones through the common bond of being 'losers'. And once I had my children, something changed. But it was because I finally allowed myself the chance.... Love itself was another battle. You know some.
I wanted to let you know that you are so much stronger than any disease, any foe, any criticism. You have goals, which is something many neglect. These are dreams to hold to, something to keep you in the line of destiny, and in finding your own. I love you! I admire you more than you may ever know. And if you ever need me - I will be here. You mean so much to me love - you really do!!!!
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oh, your message was just beautiful. I loved reading all the wordw you wrote. I found out more about you and I just respect you more
I love you so much, you were one of the first to reach out ot me and you really kept me working on this and where I am today
I'm glad you see a lot of you in me, that shows me that one day I'll be as wonderful as you
All my love, you are an angel
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My dear sweetay Lauren this is a very beautifully posted column you have posted here. I really admire care and love you so much for what you wote here. your message is a beautiful one and will helps many others who are battling something of his caliber themselves. I hope that life continues to go brightly for you and that all your dreams and goals become a reality and you succeed in them all. you have a friend in me forever * points to his heart * Just remember that and keep on being who you are
Paul
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I'm just hoping you can follow this lead and become happy in yourself one day
all my love
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you seem very healthy in your actions and your mindset. you are on an awesome track and it's empowering just to hear a little of your story. 14 was the most eventful year for me so far..
and then at 15 I sortof paid the consequences.
I love you tons lauren and I'm so glad you're on your way to contentment! You're a beautiful growing girl, and your mindset is so mature.
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You're an angel, my dear
Thank you so much for your supportive words, I love you so much
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