Letting Go

My thoughts. I don't know where they are coming from, but my church service this morning really woke something up in me...

I fully believe that I will not get married and have kids. Mostly because that is not how I see myself being. The nice calm patient mother or the loving housewife us bit a role that I see as ever making me happy.

So why then do I picture my wedding or see myself being a doting mother someday? If my life is not heading in this direction why do I even bother praying for my future husband.

My logical mind tells me that marriage and children will not fit into my own plans. Problem is, I fully believe the plans I have for my life are God's plans for it. So logic tells me that therefore me being married is not part of God's plan for my life. Besides, if I really am supposed to be a full-time missionary to Africa, raising children there is not the smartest thing.

However, I also know that God is God and can and will do anything. He does not care if I am afraid to get married because I am also afraid of being my mother. He knows I am scared to death of falling into depression and not coming out. God knows I do not want to have kids because of that reason... I know how many scars a kid can have from a parents depression and I don't think a kid should have to deal with that.

So if I know that God is God, why do I find it so hard to trust that whatever He wants for me will happen? If God wants me to be happily married in Africa, I trust that I will be? So I guess what the real point is, if I am not supposed to be heading down the road of missionary, I just want God to make me happy where I am. If my purpose in life is stay in NH until I die, than please God remove the sick pit in my stomach every-time I think about living here longer than the next five years. I guess what I am saying is this: I am ready to give up my dreams, if they are not the ones you have for me God. Just give me the right ones and remove the own desires if they are not what you want.