The story of our relationship begins in the Spring of 2005, with the beginning of our friendship. I actually met him for the first time at the 2005 prom. His Senior prom with his girlfriend, Amy and my Junior prom with my boyfriend, Darren. I really didn't think anything of him other than how he and Amy were so comfortable together and he was so smiley and happy where as the rest of the couples during the night were awkward and quite uncomfortable with eachother. According to what he says though, he had seen me before at lunch at school and thought I was quite attractive. Now how true or false that is, who knows, but it's flattering all the same.
Shortly after prom, I broke up with Darren due to the fact that I didn't feel a connection between us.Jon and I then started to gradually see eachother more and more at graduation parties over the summer. I remember playing badmitton with him at Ron's, and dancing with him at Darren's. We exchanged screennames and talked online frequently and dove into deep conversations almost immediately. I suspected that he had feelings towards me because of the way that he acted when he was around me, but I always denied my suspicions because he had a serious girlfriend. I knew that if he ever ended his relationship with Amy, that I'd be head over heels for him, but until then I denied it by telling myself that I could never date him because he'd be too "clingy". I denied it mostly because the girls in the group were accusing me of trying to steal him away from his girlfriend and would make snide remarks to me about it. I really wasn't. The way I saw it, nothing could tear Jon away from Amy because they were too good together and it wasn't even in my realm of thought to even try.
I really held Jon in such high regard. I was definately intimidated by him, and incredibly stunned and flattered that he talked to me, flirted with me, and wanted to hang out with me. The day came when I wanted to plan a group thing in Naperville, and due to a random series of unfortunate events, he and Amy were the only ones who could come. That was awkward. I even asked him before hand if it would be awkward and he said no, that he and Amy were good at keeping things not awkward around people they hang out with. We went to the mall, brunswick zone, then eventually my house, and all the while I was distraught to the point where my knees unbuckled because of it. My knees have only "unbuckled" one other time that I can remember, and that was when I found out that my dear Great Uncle died. Maybe the fact that I couldn't have him was blown up in my face, or just the pure awkwardness of them being in love and holding hands with me having no one. I was so relieved when they left and we went our seperate ways.
There were several instances when we would have little sweet moments together. Like after a movie when everyone left and I had to wait for my mom to pick me up, and he stayed waited with me in his car until she came,(We later found out that he passes my house on the way home anyways and he could have dropped me off that time and several times before!) when we would wait to hug eachother last after hugging the rest of the group when we'd leave, when we would make any excuse to secretly get close to eachother... like the truth or dare games. Jon and I became the starters of the infamous truth or dare games, we figured out later that we were the most into it because we got excuses to kiss eachother with it being okay and acceptable.
In the fall we had a conversation on crushes, and he told me that he had a crush on me over the summer. I wasn't surprised, but really happy and flattered... confused all the same because he had a girlfriend who I pictured him to be madly in love with. I told him that I didn't like him but I could see him as the sort of person that I would like.
Over the winter I would invite him to things that the rest of the group would sometimes forget to invite him to such as the play Pippin and the Christmas party, and I think that maybe my remembering to include him kept him continuously interested in me. I always wanted to see him, and he always wanted to see me. It even came to the point where on March 10th, 2006, Sebastian had a party at his house because he was on spring break and wanted to see people. I invited Jon to come and he did, and intuitivly, I knew that I was the one he wanted to see. I felt obligated to come, not just because I wanted to, but because he wanted me to, and I felt that if I didn't come that I'd be letting him down and that he'd be going to the party for nothing. Now March 10th, happen's to be my Mom's birthday, and it was very difficult for me to manage to go, but I grew up in the household where if there's a will, then there's a way, and I willed it so, and it happened. So I arrived at Sebass's at about 9:30, quite late, but just when the party starts getting good. Jon and I were squished together on the couch in a "couch orgy", a devise that is fun and unique to our group of friends, but also a great way to get close to people you want to get close to, without them or other people knowing. I remember that Jon was in the corner of the couch and I was against him, laying on his warm chest in a very "lover like" way. I don't know why I felt comfortable doing something like that... never had I been so bold like that towards anyone, maybe it was something in his presence that told me unconsciously that he wanted me to do that, I don't know. Then he put his arm over and around my shoulder and started caressing my wrist with his fingertips. I don't think Jon ever realized how wonderful this gesture was, or how often I relived the moment afterwards, how I still relive it so vividly in my mind to this day. We all talked in a group on the couch together, all the while he caressed my wrist and hand so gently and lovingly. It was quite obvious that we both had feelings for eachother, and I was immensly shocked, scared, and excited all at the same time. It would be incredibly hard to put into words how I felt during this time, but I'll try, and then maybe one could realize how amazing this felt to me...
I was a senior in high school and I had never had a REAL relationship. I hadn't even had a kiss that I enjoyed. I was quite the romantic with no one to be romantic with. I constantly had men of all ages unveiling me with their eyes and wanting my flesh, but no one ever wanted ME. No one wanted to be gentle and kind and loving to me. I was trapped in a world at home where my parents were never themselves because of the drink, and they nor my sisters would show me genuine affection and love. We were a dysfunctional family that left me in tears, screaming, skin ripping, and house breaking every night. And no one knew this but them, and they told me that I was crazy! CRAZY! I was starving for love and romance. I craved it more than anything, and yet I could not get it. And then out of no where, Jon holds me and I feel safe. He caresses my arm just because I like it. I pretented in my mind that we were in love with eachother. He was giving me a sample taste of how wonderful love could be.
The truth or dare game started and Jon and I ended up doing 4 dares together, the last on involving him "necking" me. My excitement was too great I could barely mask it behind girlish giggling. He pressed his lips against the soft of my neck and it was the most loving kiss anyone had ever given me up until then. I pclosed my eyes and pretended that it was real, that the longing and desire and love that I felt in my mind was actually what consisted in the kiss. The seconds that it lasted existed outside of time, yet I quickly and reluctantly pulled myself away and pressed my head against the couch in emotional agony because I knew that with every second of that kiss I was falling more and more for Jon, and that I would be a fool to let myself fall for someone that I couldn't have. Jon of course was confused by my pulling away and though that it was something wrong with him, until I reassured him that it felt amazing, but I just felt guilty because I liked it too much. The night went on and we continues to cuddle on the couch and I started to play with his hand just like he was playing with mine.
When I got home I immediately went online, hoping that he would also be on too so that we could talk about what happened that night. Something obviously happened. There were sparks between us that burst into fireworks and everyone saw them. He told me that he still had feelings for me, and I eventually admitted that I had feelings for him too but I just felt so guilty because of Amy. I told him that these feelings were cruel because I couldn't have him. I forget how we left the conversation that night, but in the following nights all we would talk about was our potential relationship. We went through numerous different pains. He wrestled with whether he should stay with Amy or go with me, there was eve one point where he suggested having an open relationship with Amy and go on dates with me, but I told him that I couldn't do that. We made a date to hang out when he came back for Easter, and I asked him to go to prom with me. Hanging out was a sort of test in a way, to see if we could comfortably hang out alone, and we could. He broke up with Amy and our potentional relationship was going to become a reality. We just had to wait until the next time we would see eachother: Prom.
I dressed in my dream dress... a tan, classy, old fashioned gown that I felt like a princess in. Jon looked stunning in his top hat- we looked like we had stepped out of a time machine. Jon was a fabulous date (as well as a great dancer), it couldn't have been more perfect. We were on the verge of dating, so we knew that we both liked eachother, so we didn't have to hold back from holding eachother too closely or sneaking a quick kiss on the cheek. It made the night all the more amazing. Afterwards, we decided just to hang out together in his car, and we just talked until 6:30... watching the sunrise. At 6:30 AM exactly, on April 23rd, he asked me out and we hugged and then kissed for the first time (truth or dare games don't count) They were soft loving kisses. And Jon was amazing, and I couldn't be more at peace. The only thing that I was uneasy about was that I'd have to wait a couple weeks until he got out of school and I could see him again.
We had a wonderful relationship over the summer. It was perfect. We cared about eachother, were open and honest with eachother, and it really went smoothly. The only thing dark thing in our summer was the end of the summer that was looming toward us, and the question of whether or not we would be together afterwards. Whether it was his love for me and my unwillingness to hurt him, or my growing love and devotion to him and our amazing selfless relationship, I broke my vow to go into college single. We would just try it and see if it worked, in all honestly I was quite skeptical though I didn't let him know at the time. We are both too stubborn to let a good thing die, and we've kept our relationship going.
We did have one huge bump along the way and that was caused by me. And though I constantly regret it, at the same time, I know it was needed for me to gain security in the relationship. It was when I ventured out and discovered if I was really missing out on anything or anyone at college by giving up a lot of myself to this long distance relationship. I didn't cheat on Jon, I never would do that, but I stood on the edge of the riverside and looked right into the realms of cheating. And that scared me. Though I knew I could never do it, the closeness I was to it was so real that THATS what shook me up most. In any case, I told Jon right away because I know I can never keep anything from him, especially something like this, as awkward and painful as it may be. It was awful- the pain we both felt at the same time was unbearable. Although I don't think he realized the severity of it, I had lost my attraction to him and couldn't stand the thought of breaking up with him, although I thought it was inevitable. When it was that I gained my attraction and love for him is really hazy to me, but I do know that it was our openness and communication that kept us alive through that and the other smaller trials along the way.
The distance is so hard because it's when you almost forget how wonderful the other person is, and how much joy they add to one's life. It's when we are apart that Jon and I have our down periods, it's when we have overwhelming sad thoughts. When we are together, we have no problems whatsoever. When we are together, it's almost too good to be true. But I can't stand loving him so much and not being able to see him. I hate how we've grown into adults yet our relationship seems like that of a highschooler, where we have to sneak around to be affectionate. It is because of this that I wonder if my reasons for applying to Bradley are more for MY sake or OUR sake. I feel like if I don't go to Bradley, our relationship will stay stationary... that it will be unable to grow further.
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