It seems that every time I start to cry, the tears strolling down my face are burning my skin as if they were a form of rubbing alchol. And then my skin begins to streache tighter across my face, so i feel my bones closer to the surface. It seems that when ever i take a look back on a memory I see the good with the bad, the pain with the joy. I see everything and feel everything that I need to see and hate to see.
The second year marker for my grandfather's death is coming up. Also tommorow is the 25, four month marker of Bri's Death, I miss her so much! Bryan's anniversary is comming up soon too...and Jason's. It seems that once i escape the pain from one death, another one hits me.
I feel as if my being sturdy is becoming impossible. That as a human, being stable is a myth. I once said that my biggest fear was having people I love die. I still believe that it is my biggest fear. I also still feel pain whenever I feel a loved on walking out of my life. But something I will always and forever have stuck in my head is the image of being in a hospital. Watching someone I love slowly die. It is not a good memory, but it is the only stable one I have. Two years is coming up. And i remember when i hid everything i felt. I guess when something means a lot to you, all you can do is hide it. To shun all your horrid feelings from the world. To block it out, so maybe you can forget the daggers comming at you from all sides. At some point in your life, you will have to deal with a loss. All these recent ones brought up in high school, they have been the most horrid ones i will ever have to experience. They will hinder me from my true self, they will prevent me from the perfect life, that everyone is saying they are accomplishing. I hate that it could be true, that these memories are forgoten for self-satisfaction.
My throught is tightening, and it is getting harder to breathe. The scars from the IV, will always stick in my mind and in my skin. The calls from teh ICU and the nurses in bland one toned masked uniforms are flickering through my brain over and over again. I can smell the stains of the carpet and my tears when the case worker discussed the diet being changed. I will never forget the nine months I spent at the hospital. I will never forget the nights I spent recalling Bri's laughter and our conversations about our regrets. I can't forget it, it is a curse that i will carry with me, it is a joy i will hold. The only thing I can't begin to discribe is my connection with each of these people. Each one meant something different, and each one left a mark on me. I guess these next few months will be a struggle, but once they end i will be able to breathe again.
But until then, this air that is beging to thicken, and will continue to strangle me. and i will hate every moment of it. I will hate every good and bad memory becase i once told myself to not live in the past.
I miss you all forever.
You were my sunshine
My hope, my inspiration.
You are my existance, my religon, my reason for holding on. If ever i make a reference to the importance of your lives it is because you have created the importance in mine
[RIP: Bri, Grandpa Al, Bryan, Jason, Chase, Yappy, and Max.]
[And to those who i did not directly mention, I miss you too, forever and always, you will always have a place in my heart, never forget that!]
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