Progressing Thoughts

Just... thoughts I've had here lately.

I have to agree, there is something comforting about the flow of the ink coming from your pen spreading out onto the page set before you. There’s also something comforting in seeing your letters being typed across the screen, each one filing in behind the other, your own fingertips pushing the keys down, making those letters appear without having to think about it. It’s automatic and almost as comforting as writing down your thoughts. It’s comforting to hear your words, these thoughts, being read aloud for all to hear, someone else’s voice speaking your words of opinion and what you think is truth. It’s comforting to even hear yourself say your own thoughts out in the open in someone else’s bathroom while sitting on the floor, four faces staring at you, four sets of eyes (two brown, two blue), looking your way and their ears drinking in what you’re saying and their brains soaking it up and opinions being formed off of this… It’s comforting somehow.

It’s amazing how life changes, it’s amazing how our perception of life changes. Six months from now, I have a feeling that everything I know and I am comfortable with at this point and moment in time… will be different. Six months ago, everything was different. Quite different. I don’t understand how things can change that drastically, not really at least. It’s just almost weird to think about. I was almost a different person then…… sort of. A lot of the things I have done now, I doubt I would’ve done it just six months ago. Maybe four. A lot of the things I say, the people I hang around, while I love them to death, I just didn’t even really know them then. Things seem to be moving so quickly. I need time to look back and think about each of the things I’ve done, why I’ve done them. I need to learn to be less repulsive to avoid everything seeming to move so quickly. Within a month’s time, not even that long really more like two weeks I guess, I went from almost being with one boy and then actually being with another. I still am with him, it was only a few weeks ago. People ask me why I’m with him I guess because he’s a jerk to pretty much everyone and he’s not necessarily the most likeable guy (And I guess I’m not a jerk and not likeable to everyone? It’s like I don’t have flaws and yet he does…like he’s not good enough for me?) And I’ve figured out why I’ve come to him. I’m with him for the fun and excitement he brings to my life, how he makes me feel like I’m….not in the real world. How I can escape from much of everything when we’re together. I’m with him because he makes me not worry when all I have done my whole entire life, is worry about things, things that don’t even pertain to me and then things that do. He makes me forget about all of that and he’s pretty much the only person who ever has. He’s a ‘wild child’ and goes out and does stuff he shouldn’t, but I don’t even worry about that really. I care if he gets hurt, but I know he’ll do whatever he wants anyway, I just want him to at least be careful and try to use his head. While he’s brought a lot of drama to my life, a lot of arguments about him and such, I don’t really mind it for some reason.

I don’t like people… in general. My job deals with people and while I’m a people person, I know how to handle them and I’m pretty friendly most of the time, I still don’t like people. They’re rude and self absorbed. No one else is there except them. They get what they want and they’re fine. They don’t need anything of you, just go away and come back when you’ve been called upon and clean up after us… I’m a waitress for those that don’t know and I honestly feel like people think this about me. I feel like people look down on me because of my job. I mostly feel like that when younger girls or girls my age come in. They stand there and look at me in my apron carrying soiled dishes to the back, no make up really, my hair messy, my shirt’s dirty, and they just look down on me it seems. Like I’m nothing. And what they don’t realize, that if someone didn’t do jobs similar to what I do, and what I do, things would be different.

You couldn’t get by in life if you didn’t lie. It’s in all actuality impossible to not lie. People will be standing in the aisle ways at work and I’m trying to get by with a stack of cups or plates or something and they’re just standing there taking their sweet little time an I normally don’t say anything because I figure ‘oh well maybe they’ll eventually look over here or something and realize I’m standing here…’ Nope. I usually have to say excuse me after quite a few seconds, and they always say ‘Oh I’m so sorry sweetie, here let me move.’ And I think to myself ‘so glad you can get out of my way, I feel honored…’ but of course I tell them ‘oh you’re just fine…’ and boom, I’m lying. You can’t always tell the truth, it’s just rude. But we do it in order to get paid or to be liked or whatever… It’s stupid though that we have to. There should be more honesty in the world. We should be able to accept our friends, family, loved ones, and etc. and the mistakes they make. There’s always standards and morals that you have to meet. I’m sure people think I have no morals for a lot of things I’ve done, but then again, who are they to say? That’s right, they’re not. It’s none of their damn business, even if I tell them, if I let them know what happened and all, they can’t tell me I have no morals… it’s rude. We’re all different. We were all raised differently with different beliefs and such, but it’s still rude to tell someone they, or one of their friends, have no morals because they did something differently than what you would’ve. Shut the hell up and accept it. Accept people how they are. You have to take the good with the bad when dealing with people. You shouldn’t try to change someone, even if it’s changing something that’s bad for them. You can try and influence them somewhat to get them to change their mind, but don’t try to change them. I think it’s breaking their spirit somehow… I dunno. I just don’t like it when we try to change people, make them fit into our little bubble of how things should be…