Oh my gosh, Kira. I'm missing you already. It has only been like 8 hours since we last talked and I just want to tell you what happened. This doesn't mean I don't miss the rest of you, absolutely not. I wish I could come back to AP and read your poetry. I hope my Dad will get back to his senses soon. After I left you on MSN (I meant what I said I loved you so much) I had lunch and went upstairs, nearly crying. And then I was on the phone to my best friend for 1,5 hours and I was CRYING like I'd rarely cried, especially in front of him. I was about to cut open all my forearms but all I did was scratch them with my little scissors and I left a little red mark, nothing to worry.
Afterwards I went fencing as soon as possible. You do remember my fencing coach with the Russian accent? He asked me whether I'd survived and meant that horrible storm and I thought he meant my life. And so I said “Not really...“ and he asked me what was wrong and all of a sudden I was crying AGAIN. And I just couldn't get in control of it. Then the younger coach came up, all sweet “Hey, what's going on?“ and I left with the older one and I was crying, crying and crying telling him how my Dad and me lost trust in each other and how I started cutting (the jerk...) and stopped cutting, how I tried to commit suicide and how much I long for death. He tried about everything to show me how wrong all of this is and I knew all along how wrong it was but I just can't get rid of that goddamn addiction. When I finished I saw that his eyes were filled with tears. He told me my life wasn't the worst of all and I said I knew and he explained to me how hard it was for him and his wife after what happened to their son. Seeing his eyes swollen with tears made me cry even more. I hadn't meant to remember him, to make him cry. Though he had only tears in his eyes. Only. Haha. I felt so sorry afterwards and told him so, he replied that he will be there for me when I need to talk and he'll give me some piece of advice if I need to. He said I was too sensitive, I shouldn't listen to all of these things my Dad says. Listening or not doesn't matter, I FEEL those things, they cause my soul to ache so bad. Oh honey, I'm turning black. My soul's standing at the very same abyss I told you about, remember? I feel like I'm falling already and I can't hold on to anything. He said I ought to think about the harm I will do to others if I commit suicide and that God is against it. God was the smallest of my problems. It is not that I don't believe in God, I do. But suicide as a sin? A sin has something sexy in my eyes. Oh hell, it's 10:30 pm here.
I'm scared to go to bed. My gorgeous Victoria Francés wallpaper arrived Friday, did I tell you? I put it up above my bed and it's sooooooo beautiful, although sad aswell. I don't want to go to sleep, dark thoughts will come back, even if I listen to my happiest music. And no music doesn't work either. I don't want to cry myself to sleep again. I was nearly happy all WE, I could even sleep. And I started doing my HW again. I ought to say bye now. Maybe I'll write again tomorrow.
I love you, Kira!
2. Diary entry on AP
Hello my lovey
I'll talk to my Dad later, I think. Mum said that was the only way. I would hate sneaking online on her account
But I'll try to convince him, although I'm kind of hopeless. If I don't succeed, I want you to know that I love you and that where I might go I will await you and that you shouldn't grieve. If. I will try to stay as strong as possible and live on. I think I'm exaggerating here but who knows. I keep thinking about what my coach said, about strength and patience. Gosh, I want to be happy so bad. What a sentence 
And everybody else on AP: You mean the CB world to me! Maybe I'll move out when I'm of age, like my coach suggested. I wish you all the best my friend, know that. This sounds like a farewell letter, doesn't it? If I don't get back on AP or MSN, take it as one. It doesn't mean I've commited suicide, I'm quite sure I won't. I will try to return.
Okay, I didn't have the guts to talk to him. He's behaving normal but Mum says he'll probably never let me back to his computer if I don't talk to him. It's Wednesday morning so I'm going to post this in about 7 hours.
OMG, yesterday's “House“ episode, “Failure to Communicate“ was sooo wicked. Seeing the preview on TV in the afternoon gave me a huge laugh. The camera was zooming up on House, sitting there his legs widely spread and looking directly into the camera and than a voice: “Not all doctors are the same.“ And the epsiode itself was hilariously funny. Except for the facte that he kissed his ex Stacy because she's got trouble with her husband, bla bla...I kiss House, too if I've got trouble with my husband- wait. I don't have a husband.
My humor's back That's quite good actually. Whoops, it's getting late for school.
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