Regarding Self-Worth
Insight into this topic is one of the nifty things I got out of my crash-and-burn experience over the past year. Lack of self-worth wouldn't mean much if there weren't others to use as measuring sticks. Let go of it all, and suddenly you just don't feel like doing that anymore; crash hard enough, and maybe you simply can't. (The flames did not go out for months.)
The rest, I think, is all tied up in how well you decide to treat yourself. Because there's more to any person than just what (s)he does, can do, and has done. Doing is the best way of being visible, but being visible is not the same as being. If one is, then one obviously "does." The question is not "How well?" but rather, "Did I want to do that?" And if so, "What did I get out of it?"
Giving a treat:
"I feel good about what I accomplished today. I think I will give myself a treat."
Getting one more fix:
"I want something that feels good, and I am going to get it. Now."
A treat is different from a fix: One grants oneself the gift of really tasting the ice cream, so to speak, while it's being eaten. Surely ice cream would never have been invented, were it not for the pleasure of savoring it; Ben and Jerry did not make millions because ice cream has great health benefits.
As best I can tell, it's only possible to savor a simple pleasure if one is self-aware (lives outside of one's head) enough to not question whether that sweetness is deserved. What does a person have to do to officially forefeit the right to enjoy? Who hands down that verdict?
In the case of a fix (e.g. any addiction: drugs, alcohol, reckless self-endangerment, abuse of others ... compulsive use of a poetry website [Guilty, your honor.]), one eats the ice cream as fast as possible, and with a minimum of satisfaction or enjoyment. It's a convenient way to cram an ounce of feeling into the void left by the hurt and angry bits of self that have been kept in a bottle for years, denied the right to exist.
In their place sits an unfeeling computer running a program. I'm just thinking out loud here:
An explicit set of instructions on how to pretend to exist:
/* Re-define this every time one's actions do not provoke the world ("Them") to announce that one is "good enough." */
[1]
"This is how to feel shame and self-loathing (or perhaps nothing whatsoever) instead of remorse while apologizing; this is how to beg for validity instead of forgiveness; this is how to barter self-sacrifice for acceptance instead of wanting to make amends."
/* Forgiveness is surely too much to ask of "Them" when one has proven oneself to be unacceptable, unfeeling, and not "good enough." */
[2]
"This is how to interpret the emotions of others ('Them') as threatened exposure of the painful 'truth' that one is not 'good enough.'"
/* What better reason could there be to express a bit of pent-up rage [old anger never addressed] or self-pity [old hurt never addressed]? */
/* They have been crammed into their respective, increasingly over-full bottles for years; one never pays attention to such things.. */
/* Ah, but is that not what makes "Them" so convenient to begin with? */
[3]
"This is how to 'accept' a compliment from 'Them' without feeling good about it (deflect and/or reciprocate automatically, since one is plainly not 'good enough.')"
/* This is always true, because "good enough" is a meaningless idea; its one use is as an obsessive distraction from old pain */
/* and tough questions. */
[4]
"This is how to beg for/demand, rather than seek, what one most wants."
/* One could never be 'good enough' to achieve it, would have to risk failure, humiliation, and the disappointment of "Them" */
/* in the act. Furthermore, why risk the horror of winding up in a position of having to accept a compliment? To affirm one's own */
/* existence like that would mean accepting responsibility for things like hope and happiness. */
Shame and self-pity are expressions of unresolved anger and hurt.
Do you ever think your feelings? What are you asking yourself?
(I) "Do I hurt 'Them,' too, when I beat myself up?' It would serve 'Them' right."
(II) "Will 'They' be miserable with me if I hurt loud enough in front of 'Them?' I wish 'They' understood my pain."
Do you know the answers already? So how many ways can you word the same question?
[5]
"This is how to live in ignorance of the fact that I am 'Them.'"/* */
Self-loathing is self-denied empathy.
("If 'They' saw fit to do these things to me, then that must be what I deserve.")
Consider:
-If "these things" had happened to someone else, would you give him/her more or less
consideration than you give yourself?
-Do you even know what "these things" are? (Most of us don't.)
Which motivates you more: the pain itself, or the fear of feeling it?
Q: What separates the two?
Q: Just exactly how tough are the lies that keep you from what you want?
A: The wall of bone around your brain. (Pretty safe in there, huh?)
Just one more fix....
Q: Why not take the time to selfishly savor the gift of taste?
(That would feel uncomfortably conspicuous ... right?)
A: Because it's impossbile to graciously receive what must be desperately begged for or forceably taken.
Grab what you can as fast as possible, feel just slightly (or at least pretend to), and then retreat to the pre-fabricated recesses of your fear-full head, run your computer program, and feel "almost good" until that inevitable moment when the ice cream is truly gone.
Adding your comment:
Have some hot chocolate: 
you're a genius...do you know that?
)
Looks like we think along similar lines. Hope you didn't have to come by it honestly. 'Course ... if it's bad to be honest, that might mean it's good to lie. 
