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Forums / Poetry and Inspiration Discussion /
Tips and advice please.


  • HellRaiser21
    Mar 21 6:24 AM
    Reply
    I just wrote a poem and i am not really happy with it at all. I like my ideas and the imagery etc I've used but I'm crap at making poems flow and I feel the poem is not built well, id like any ideas or advise please. I will one day learn how to structure a poem!




    The Poets cry.

    When the pen is lifted the poets anguish begins
    Thrusting it's claws into walls, scraping till the nails are worn away
    Working through the flesh
    Grinding at the ends of fingers till only bone cleavers remain,
    Then letting out an intense scream that lacerates the walls around
    A blade of air fiercely ripping deep from within the throat
    The walls cracks around the marks like veins from an artery,
    The overwhelming power gives rise to a hurricane of agony
    Annihilating the room leaving nothing but destruction,
    A cyclone of misery.
    The intense shriek bursts the poets ear drums creating white raw silence
    As the blood spits from the ears the poet falls onto it's knees
    looks up with a mangled frenzied face like a statue portraying hell.
    Now using the newly carved tools to concave it's head
    The poet digs into his skull to harvest his mind
    Seeking the blood from his soul to drip onto the page
    Soaking into the fibers to set his immortality.

  • Matt Holck
    March 21
    Reply
    hurricane needs a transition
    up to this point
    the poem focuses on anatomy

  • HellRaiser21
    March 21
    Reply
    Then letting out an intense scream that lacerates the walls around
    A blade of air fiercely ripping deep from within the throat

    Or have i misunderstood?

    • Matt Holck
      March 21
      Reply
      ya hurricanes form over the sea
      they're wide and wet crushing overbearing not blade like

  • HellRaiser21
    March 21
    Reply
    Or maybe it should be
    Then letting out an intense scream ripping deep from within the throat
    A blade of air fiercely ripping lacerates the walls around
    The walls cracks around the marks like veins from an artery,
    The overwhelming power gives rise to a hurricane of agony
    Annihilating the room leaving nothing but destruction,
    A cyclone of misery.

  • HellRaiser21
    March 21
    Reply







    When the pen is lifted the poets anguish begins
    Thrusting it's claws into walls, scraping till the nails are worn away
    Working through the flesh
    Grinding at the ends of fingers till only bone cleavers remain,
    Then letting out an intense scream ripping deep from within the throat
    A blade of air fiercely ripping lacerates the walls around
    Cracks stem from the marks like veins from an artery,
    The overwhelming power gives rise to a hurricane of agony
    Annihilating the room leaving nothing but destruction,
    A cyclone of misery.
    The intense shriek bursts the poets ear drums creating white raw silence
    As the blood spits from the ears the poet falls onto it's knees
    looks up with a mangled frenzied face like a statue portraying hell.
    Now using the newly carved tools to concave it's head
    The poet digs into his skull to harvest his mind
    Seeking the blood from his soul to drip onto the page
    Soaking into the fibers to set his immortality.

  • WillXxXYouXxXBe...
    March 21
    Reply

    deep

    i cant really offer you any advice but you asked me to read it, i did and it was good.

  • KissKissBangBang
    March 21
    Reply
    that was good. and there was a lot of imagery going on that was awesome. you could see it. your good with imagery. and big words lol

  • HellRaiser21
    March 21
    Reply
    Looking for ideas for improvement xd

  • XpushXmeXagainX
    March 21
    Reply

    Braindead..

    I can't think of anything to help you out right now.. I'll bookmark this thread though, so if I do, I can come back. It was amazing though

  • HellRaiser21
    March 21
    Reply
    when the pen is lifted the poets anguish begins
    an upsurge of fustration erupts from within
    Thrusting it's claws into walls grating the nails away
    grinding the flesh away till only bone cleavers remain,
    then letting out an intense scream ripping from deep within the throat
    a blade of air fiercely lacerates the walls around
    cracks stem from the marks like veins from an artery,
    overwhelming power gives rise to a hurricane of agony
    annihilating the room leaving nothing but destruction,
    a cyclone of misery.
    the intense shriek bursts the poets ear drums creating white raw silence
    as the blood spits from the ears the poet falls onto it's knees
    and looks up with a mangled frenzied face like a statue portraying hell.
    Finally using the newly carved tools to concave it's head
    the poet digs into his skull to harvest his mind
    seeking the blood from his soul to drip onto the page
    soaking into the fibers to set his immortality.

  • CelticQueen
    June 28
    Reply
    I would suggest judicious, yet considerable, cutting. You've got a lot of words in here that you just don't need and every extra word puts distance between your poem's message and your reader. Fewer words also leads to more poetic expression. For example, your first line:
    when the pen is lifted the poets anguish begins

    Could be:

    The pen lifts; the poet's anguish begins

    Now, I've only cut two words from that line, but already it is more compelling. And if you cut a word or two or more from every line, you've really streamlined your poem.

    Basically, what you have done is taken prose and broken the lines. It doesn't come out very poetic and I think that's where your structure problem begins. You will have words and phrases that are favorites to you and you are loathe to cut, but keep in mind, they are not necessarily favorites of your readers. We do not have the same emotion invested in those words or phrases.

    I suggest cutting, cutting, cutting.

    celtic queen

  • pania
    June 28
    Reply
    and try to get away from so many ...ing words.

  • Wrinkling Mind
    July 21
    Reply
    I wouldn't want to be in the same room as you when you're writing a poem


  • B.m.w
    July 22
    Reply
    I really like the second way of how you wrote your poem. It's very deep and beautiful, and to me a great and enjoying read. I do agree with Celtic Queen that you have extra words that aren't really needed in there, but her suggestion for the first line to me it just didn't flow like how you first wrote it. In my mind, I said When the pen is lifted a poets anguish begins. It may not really fit but in my head it somewhat made that line flow better.

    Going along with you having unneeded words I mean you have extra adjectives then you need. Yes it can set a better mood but then it could seem more like a story type thing instead of a poem. for example the line with "white raw silence" I think that you didn't really need the raw because "white silence" sounds just as good. But that is only in my opinion.

    Other than that, I'd say that your poem has turned out quite nicely. ^^
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