Blackrabbit.• Show poetry

It hurts so bad that it's hard to breathe. And I've been here before but when I met him, something was different. More than what words could say, more than anyone could feel. It was all so impossible but believable, attainable. So  I leaped, took the risk when my heart was tired. And he made me bloom, want to be better. He has broken me. Something I said no one could ever do again. I've lost friends, lost myself, lost him. We're still best friends, he'd still prefer me over anyone.   He's taking time for himself, to change and to grow, to become self-reliable.  But my heart can't understand that. I respect him, I love him, cherish him, adore him, but all I can think is, that I wish I were dead, or that I'd given up fighting the Pneumonia when I was an infant. All I have thought about for the past few weeks is how fucked everything is.

Everyone is hurting, including me and we all walk around saying it will get better, finding something to hold on to, but we don't find our answers and the future seems further away. I can't even think about the future anymore or marriage or children or love. I just think about him. I think about how happy he made me, his package, which is still beside my computer desk. I think about the dreams I had about him, how I was going to eagerly pay off school faster so that I could enter the study abroad program and go to Australia just to see him, be with him.  I was so eager, so hopeful. But I can't write, I can't photograph or draw or sketch because I have nothing inside of me now. All I can give is hurt and apathy. 

Skye would say I brought this upon myself, the whole world would.  Once again, everyone warned me and I didn't listen.  I took a chance cause that's what I do. I jumped. But then he broke me.  I was on a bridge and someone cut the rope on the other end and I was just there and I could feel it starting to fall into the bottomless pit below but I didn't move. I was scared but I didn't move. I fell with it. I died. And this is the afterlife.  This is my purgatory. Still breathing.

10-18-09

 I woke up today after dreaming of dolls.  I dreamt of blue rolling eyes. The ones you see on babydolls.  I woke up thinking I had a poppet in my hand. Poppets are all that are on my mind. With all this negativity inside of me, do you think the poppets could take away the pain? 

I'm happy I stayed around for Aidan. It seems really stupid.  But then again, I'm really stupid sometimes. I realized last night, more of what I knew. I had nowhere to go, no one to run to. So I stayed and I cried until all I ended up doing was holding Aidan and staring at his scales and I couldn't cry anymore. I was empty of tears.  But it's like that after something really bad happens isn't it? You grieve, you mourn, you get angry and then you're numb. You can't feel it. And everything around you becomes a joke, some waking nightmare.  You try to wake up, wake yourself up, to being alive, feeling, being happy, laughing but it all becomes so forced.  Things don't last forever. Gotta wake up sometime.

10-19-09

Sometimes you see clowns. Sometimes you see goblins sneering at you. I see nothing at all.

10-21-09

 I woke up and was still tired. I didn't think about it but missed him anyway.  So much of my life is just a thing that goes on step by step. I don't think about the future anymore, just think about what I have to accomplish within the next hour.  Winter is nearly here. All I can think is, how much longer before I give up or get out.  There's a girl that more than loves me and I hurt her all the time even when I don't mean to.  I wish I could be what she needs, give her what she wants. But, I can't. So, I am just here, somewhere out of orbit, waiting for something.

10-22-09

 I ♥ Miyazaki movies and have

seen every one of them.

I walked home from work stepping across many yellow leaves. I smiled to myself while staring down at the floor. I always walk around staring at the floor and contrary to what people may believe, it's never because I'm hiding or ashamed of something. It's because sometimes, when you're staring down at the floor, you notice what you lose, you notice things people are too busy looking up to notice.  Today I found a wallet, an ID and an Employee card.  I wanted to call the company to see if they could tell one of their employees that I had found their lost wallet. I wanted to help.  Instead, I walked up to the house it was in front of, rang the doorbell, then left it on the front step.  I found it amazing that I was still an honest and decent person.  Once more, I noticed I was looking out for the world and I just don't know who the hell I am sometimes.  It didn't hurt so much today because I block it out.  In a way, I'm expecting him to just be lieing, to have said all of those things so he wouldn't feel so bad about breaking my heart, but maybe he wasn't lieing. Either way, I miss him, I love him and he left me. I have to get over that I suppose. There's not really a point but I suppose it's something to do rather than laying in bed all day, wasted away from work and worn through from the depression. It's something afterall, just like those leaves. Where is Halloween this year?

10-23-09

I like  music.

Music makes my 

world go round.

I love different kinds of music

but mostly, anything with a good beat

or good lyrics.

Me being a poet,

I'm all about the lyrics.

 ♥

 Laying in bed, all I could think about is how alone I am. I have some dear friends that seriously love me and care about me but, I still miss Luke. I miss him every day and I know how things are, but I miss him. Being single sucks, seriously. I love my friends though, they've seriously made it better. Still, I wish I had someone here beside me as I lay in bed. I lay here and I'm just wheezing, barely able to breathe. It's like I'm being suffocated and I'm choking at the same time. My chest is tight, my head is booming, I feel so crappy that I can barely stand it. I just want to cry and as usual, it's for more than just being in pain, it's for the stuff that's happened over the past few weeks and I can't pull myself to get over it so soon. I am a really weak person inside sometimes but when I'm strong, I'm like a phoenix.  Anubis has really been there for me. He's a wonderful friend and I'm starting to consider him my best friend. Victor has barely been around because of his phone running out of minutes and him not being able to get more. He's bought some here and there but I can't fall asleep on the phone listening to him read to me or tell me about his day.  I feel alone, isolated but I'm trying to stay positive. I've lost a lot of links and I realized that today. i've lost so many friends and I didn't even notice til I went to look for them.  No work for me tomorrow. Wonder if I'll end up in the hospital and if I do, who will be there?

11-3-09

 This is me when I has a foods I really likes

↓

 I like Art.

I'm an artist myself and

started when I was 12 by drawing anime characters.

I have over 8 sketchbooks done

and full of amateur drawings.

I don't consider myself a professional.

It's just my therapy, my  world on paper,

one of my various hobbies. I appreciate most

artwork, especially really dark,

grunge artwork.

I'm a photographer.

One day, I thought I could make some

sort of profession from it and I've been told numerous

times that I could be a legend. But I don't always believe it.

I'm not a professional. I don't like creating moments in my work,

I like capturing them and basically,

I like all kinds of photography.

I don't really like using Photoshop or anything.

I don't have it or even know how to use it.

I like REAL pictures. Pictures that show the moment,

the feeling, the beauty, even if it's a sad picture.

One day, I hope to own my own Polaroid camera and

I'm soon to add a Holga Camera to my mini camera family ♥

If you wanna see my work, you can find me here: