Bdean2020• Show poetry

About Me...



I have been changed, and I've been altered and transformed and misshapen and distorted and reformed. I am no longer the same as I was long ago, but that doesn't mean that I'm no longer in here somewhere.

Me. Am I a question? Is that an answer? Is there a whole? Is there a soul?
I am alone. I am a crowd. I am an island. I am the mainland.
I am a contradiction, I lack social addiction. Who am I? ...or is this me?

There's a hope, but there's a hole. There's no sky, but I stand my ground.
There's inhibition, it's my condition. They say I'm free, but these wings are caged.

What's the good of wings when you can't feel the wind on your face?
Well... I gave up my wings long ago, and that halo was misplaced at birth.

...Innocent?
Me? No. My mentality is not such.

...Undecided?
As always, the story of my life.

...Constrained?
...Controlled?
...Contrite?
Only all of the above.

I am scattered, shattered and scarcely shamed.
I confessed. I lied. I try not to anymore.
I am silent, not salient. I am literal, though I speak in tongues barely pausing after a metaphor to wait for a response.

I am a train of thought continually moving through the stations and going through all of the same stops sometimes straying from the path, sometimes slowing down to the point where I'm barely moving. I am the train of my own thought, and I'm ready to crash and I'm ready to explode and I'm ready to create the world I hold dear.

I am artistic, or creative or whichever of a million words you may choose to replace them with.

I find solace in the fact that I know my life is fake. I am a replication of the lost. I am a feeling, somehow not capable of feeling.

I argue; more with myself than anyone else could ever notice. I'm simple, but as complex as the wind and as stubborn as the mountain.

I am obsessive, some would say compulsive.

...Scared?
Terrified.

...Safe?
Secure.

...Search?
Forever.
...For?
Whoever can show me who I really am.

There's a lot more to it, but the most important thing comes first.
Priorities are in order; possibly the wrong order.

I cautiously open my heart, then have a mess of emotion filled with pain and affliction mixed with admiration and affection.

I've wanted an end. A cessation of all things that meant I had to breathe through the pain.

"I guess I'm trying to say I'm not happy.
I guess that means my life is in your hands.
I guess I'm trying to say I don't want to have these feelings for you,
Because every time I see you, my life spirals out of my control
And every time I think of you... I can't help but turn away, if only to stop my heart from breaking"

I know that I'm not crazy, but it's sometimes hard to believe it.
I know that I'm not hopeless, but I only hope for a reason not to give up hope.

"Agreed.
We'll disagree."

"Today's no motivation to breathe
Tomorrow and the next day are what keep me alive"

"I'll never ask for your love
But I offer mine freely"

"Life - a door you closed on me"

"Dye your hair black and then come back"

I have a past. I felt so lost. I felt estranged, I felt so unchanged.
Merely wandering through the sands of time and hoping that I find my way back to the first time...

The first time we met;
The first time I noticed that I was so unlike those around me;
The first time the sun shone upon the face that I grew to hate.

I have seen the dark places, I have felt so insecure, I have written tales of a time when I was nearly killing myself to breath.

"So feed these flames, let them consume me, much like I was consumed by the fire in your eyes."

I am self-conscious. I am self-loathing.
I am selfishly giving everything I have to someone I'm no one to.

"I am a distant star burning brightly in your night sky,
But during the day, your view is blocked, as your eyes are too closed to see me"

"Passionate, but not intimate
You're my cancer, but you're not malignant
I have run through fields at midnight
Just to find you
Knowing I'd only lose my breath
And return home alone"

I am a child trying his best to fit in with an adult world.

"...a living debacle
Not merely disaster
A trapping tragedy
Of malicious misfortune"

I'm obviously a little desolate at times, and I know I lack some amity, but it's not my poison.
Self-evaluation and over-examination and, not holding back at all, a total lack of self-respect; these are the things that try to break me and almost succeed.

"Am I not whole enough?
Am I now broken?
Am I not sure of myself enough for you to notice who I am?
Is this over-analysis?
Is this one of your fantasies?
Is this just another reason for you to walk away?"

I am amazed.
I am surprised.
I am my own mini-maelstrom.
But most importantly, I am...
And for all of my flaws and my weaknesses;
For all of my feelings and freedoms
For all of those I hold close, even those I push away, I'm still here - as a question to the world.