XxXsorrowXxX• Show poetry

Life is hard and unfair but I am sure that you already know that.
I am 17 years old, I live in Wichita, Kansas. I am in foster care, have been since I was 15. It sucks, you get ripped away from everything you know. Your family, your friends, you life. Then you are expected to be a fucking cookie cutter kid, and when you fuck up, its ok cause all you are is a ward of the state and what could really be expected form foster kids.
I guess I used to be an ok kid till I got taken so to speak. I mean ya I had issues, don't we all, but atleast I cared. I could really give a shit less now.


You know how you have those memories that stick with you forever, and never go away no matter how fucking hard you try...I have a few of those. The most dominant isn't getting raped, or beat, or even the moment I got my heart broken. It was January 11th, 2007 when we got taken form my mom. Alyssa was only 5, Nick was 2 and Danielle wasn't even a month old. After court, we had to go to our first foster homes. I got lucky and was placed with the 3 little ones, but my brother was seperated from us. N-e-ways, this foster house was in Iola, Kansas that is 2 and a half hours away from where we lived. That entire car ride Alyssa screamed and cried, begging us to take her to her mommy. Nearly 3 fucking hours of her screaming, bawling her eyes out, and there was nothing that I could do.
As if that wasn't bad enough. That night and every night after that for 5 months, all three of the kids cried for their mom how was I supposed to explain to a 5 and 2 year old why they couldnt be with their mom? Thankfully Danielle was too young to understand what was going on.
After 5 months they split me apart from the kids, saying that I was to attached to them. They were all I had in the system, and they were taken.


Now nearly 3 years later, I am still in foster care till my 18th b-day in October. My siblings were all reintegrated with our mom about a year ago.
I spent a very long time thinking that I was going to be aloud to go back home with my family and pick my life back up, then I find out that my mom didn't/doesn't want me back. As if I wasn't down far enough, that really fucked me up.
I'm trying very fucking hard to keep my head up, I live day by day.

I've learned that you can't trust anyone, not even yourself.

My step father gets out of prison right after my 18th b day.
This fact scares me more than anything else in this world.
I like to say that nothing scares me, but even looking at the guy who raped me, scares the fucking shit out of me.
Not to mention the fact that I put him in prison, or the fact that he said that he would kill me if I told. Or the fact that my mom and brother, the two ppl I would've counted on to protect me, think that I am just a lying whore who wanted attention.




Some of my history.
When I was 4 years old or something young like that my mom married my step-father Romon. I had never known my real dad he had left right after I was born. Romon was a good guy, almost perfect, he loved my brother and I as if we were his own kids...at least that is what he told others. When I was about 5 he started abusing my brother and I. Not just typical "belt" shit. He would beat the shit out of us. I remember one time he stunned me with a stun gun, I can't even remember what I had done to piss him off so bad. I can't even recall when he started molesting me. When I was six he raped me for the first time. I remember he took me to his brothers house, I remember the pain, and I remember the blood that covered the sheets, and I know that went on everyday until I was 10.
When I was 10, my brother and I went to visit my grandparents for winter break up in Washington. (my brother was 12 and we were living in California) We were siting in the kitchen eating cereal. my grandmother raised her arm for something above us, and my brother flinched. She had asked him why he reacted that way, and he said that he thought she was going to hit him. After that he told my grandparents the story about the physical abuse.
She called state srevices but there was nothing they could do cause we were in Washington and him in California.
My grandparents asked me over and over and over if I was being molested, and everytime they asked I said no. But I guess I wasn't a good lier cause they kept asking me. And one night I finally just said yes, and I told them everything.
The next day, my grandmother called this California Detective. And thats when it all happened. After that, I was interviewed by some many cops, detectives and case workers I can't remember how many times I had to tell people what happened and every time there was a different person, they would tell me that it was the last time that I had to talk about it. He denied every thing of course. I don't recall why the detectives confenscated his computer but they did, and that is what put him behind bars for 25 years. He had child porn, and the child just so happened to be me. So that was the evidence every one was waiting for.
I lucked out, I didn't have to go in the court room to testify, they just played one of the many recordings from one of my interviews. There is something that bugs me to this very day. How does a mother not know that her children are getting abused. How did she think we got all those bruises? Why does she think that I would cry everytime I went to the bathroom, or the many many times she did my laundry and saw the blood on my clothes. How can she claim she didn't know? The worst part. she concieved Alyssa after she "found out" about the abuse. So even after she was told by her parents, by her children and by detectives what her husband had been doing for years, she went and fucked him...

My mom, brother, sister and I moved to Kansas shortly after that. My sister was 5 months old.
I did ok the first 2 years. But I guess you could say I never resolved my issues with my past abuse. When I got into middle school, I got into a lot of trouble. I had been suspended more times than anyone could imagine. 7th grade I actually got expelled for being suspended to many times. I fought with everyone. My neighbor Casey was 22 when I was 12. He helped me sneak out one night to go over to his house. That night changed everything. He gave me my first drink, first time I smoked pot, and the frist time I had consentual sex. After that it was an everday thing, sex, weed, alcohol. I can honestly say I was an alcoholic by the time I was 13. I would start shacking and feeling sick to the point I just wanted to die if I didn't drink. I would get ready for school, and have my orange juice and vodka in a water bottle.
I started to cut when I was 12. I don't remember how it started, or why. I don't remember if ever really hurting. I just liked the blood...that sounds freaky.
This life for me went on till right before I turned 15.
(in between this time my mom popped out another kid)

Some time my 8th grade year my moms bf moved in with us. He was a dick. He tried to control my brother and I. But I admit we did need some control. I finally started to settle down due to my bf at that time.

When I started H.S. I loved my friends, my life was picking up. I stopped drinking with much hard work. I still smoked pot, one sacrafice was enough lol.
It was the night before Thanksgiving. I had finally finished my first production at Campus H.S. in Haysville. "Bye Bye Birdie" Dan came into my room "to tell me he was proud of me" I was 15.
I had always told myself that what happened when I was younger, the rape, it would never happen again. I said that I would kill anyone who tried. I really thought I could.
When Dan covered my mouth, I was scared. I hadn't been that scared since I was 10.
And for an instant I didn't see Dan I saw Romon, and I didn't know what to do. At frist I tried to fight. But I just couldn't.

The next day. I got up as usual, Dan was at work, my mom was excited about thanksgiving dinner. And I layed on the floor all day. I answered when spoken too, but I wasn't able to do more. Sometimes I wonder, what if my mom had asked me if I was ok? What if she just asked me what the fuck my problem was. I tell myself that if she would of asked I would have told her, but IDK.
Part of me didn't expect Dan to come home that night, but he did, and acted as if he hadn't raped his gf's daughter the night before. He even smiled at me and asked me how my day was.
He raped me 4 more times after that night, all the same for me, frozen in fear.
It was ironically Christmas break when I told my best friend (and she still is to this day) Shae what happened. She was the only one who knew.

New Years Eve, my brother and Dan had gotten into a fight and it just got out of hand. Nick was screaming and crying on the living room floor, my brother went to go pick him up and Dan yelled at him to not touch him, to let him cry cause he was just throwing a fit, my brother picked him up anyways, then, Dan threw a shoe at him and hit Nick. That is what set me off. I didn't/don't care about much, but my siblings are my pride joy and life.
I remember grabbing Nick from my brothers arms, then him and Dan were punching. I took Nick to the room with me. Along with Alyssa and my other sister Danielle who was only a few weeks old (yes my mom popped out yet one more) After about 10 mins my mom and brother joined me in the room. My brother was enraged and I was trying to calm him. Then my mom starts defending Dan. So I said, "Mom, he isn't as perfect as you think he is." and she said that we had no right to disrespect him cause he had only been good to us. so I said "Mom, he raped me." and you know what this bitch called my mother says..."I don't understand, what do you mean?"
By this time my older brother had already went to raid the knife collection, once again my mom stopped him. That night was hell. And guess where my mom slept...in bed right next to him.

The next night I had Shae come over. My brother was staying up all night as our body guard. lol. Shae braught with her an entire back pack full of beer. I must have drank at least 10. Then, we got bored, so I called my friend Denver, lol he came and picked me Shae and my brother up. We ended up at my friend Shawn's house, were he of course and a big bottle of something, I didn't even care what I was drinking I just knew that I wasn't drunk enough. I drank, a lot. I got so fucked up that I told everyone at the party that Dan raped me. I don't remember much else.

I want home the next day, when I walked in, I was my mom, the kids, and my brother in the living room, laughing. Alyssa was sitting on Dan's lap. I went to my room and stayed there.

When school started again, Shae went to our school councilor Mr. Micheals. She told him, he had no choice but to call the police....

After that...foster care.