Veronica Cross• Show poetry

I am currently writing an autobiography that is a 'windfall' blessing, actually. I had submitted a short story to accompany a poem in a contest which had made it to the finals; then won. However, the man who was running the contest thought that the story was 'unique'; that I should perhaps submit it to some publishing companies and referred me to a couple, while it was still in the running.  I considered it.  My Doc had a 'good friend' who also took a look at my story and with his expert advice; I made the final decision to run with it.  I am now in the process of writing my story, which has to do with my posted picture on the poem (The Navajo Chapel - May 5th, 1977). Posted on the other Navajo Chapel poem (November 27th, 1977) is a picture of my deceased lover, Russell.  My story is about the number "5" that he left on my leg long after his death.  It was our 'special number', as we first made love on May 5th. After this event, he always sent me 5 red roses, our engagement ring had 5 stones...we were planning on being married on May 5th  

After he was killed in an auto accident (which ironically was on May 28, 1982 and I had been in a near fatal car accident on May 28, 1972 and had two near death experiences on that day) he began coming to me in what I thought were dreams. I began having horrible sleepwalking disorders and would actually get up and eat his favorite foods, play his favorite music all night long at his request; all while sound asleep. It frightened my children and everyone who had to live with me. Even being heavily sedated could not stop the problem. When I questioned him; if he was truly communicating with me or if I was merely conjuring this up in my mind, he stated that he would leave me 'tangible evidence' that it was all very real. The very next morning, I woke up with this odd vein formation on my leg in the shape of a perfect "5".  I have tried Schlerotherapy (saline injections) and laser on several occasions attempting to remove it and not one medical professional can get this thing to budge!  The odd thing is, after this, Russell had this same number "5" on his leg, too.  Something real and tangible of this world that now bound us, yet also proved his existence    

Two of the poems I have posted on this site are poems that I had written to my Dear Russell; one of them being about the first night we made love in our special little Chapel. The second one is when we went back to it for the final time. I have also posted a writing I had written to Russell on what would have been his 40th Birthday. He had come to me the night before and we had celebrated the 15th anniversary of the first night we had first made love in our beautiful little Chapel. He had taken me back to that beautiful place and made love to me in our beautiful, sacred place in my 'dreams'. I awoke from this dream in the wee hours of the morning, got dressed and headed off to the nearby mountain, where I had nearly been killed in 1972 and awaited the sunrise. It would have been Russell's 40th birthday that day. I came home after a meditating for a long while, wrote this piece, and fell back into a deep slumber and spent the entire day and night with him in my dreams to celebrate his birthday with him  
  

As you will read in my poem narratives, I finally told Russell going on two years ago, that it was time for him to move on; that he must. I told him one day, out loud, that I loved him dearly, that I know that he had been watching over me and that someday I when it was my time to go, I would see him again. But I told him that I could not live my life normally with him in it any longer. I told him that he needed to go to wherever it is that he needed to be. From that moment on I never 'dreamt' of him again. I began to sleep like a normal person. The sleep walking stopped immediately. I had since regretted asking him to go and tried to call him back   

I went to visit his grave in New Mexico in October of 2004 for the first time ever and begged him to return.  I never did attend Russell's funeral; I could not bear the thought of actually facing his death or seeing his body.  He finally did return to me shortly after New Year's of this year, but it was for a very brief stay.  He had come back to help me with an issue regarding my ex-husband (his best friend) and the man I was in love with.  He made it very clear that this was the last time he would be able to come again; ever.  He departed on January 20th; a very sad morning that was, I must say.  I have pictures of this 'gift' that Russell has left me with; our number "5", this site, as these poems are what inspired to be this site in the first place (that and I discovered that this is the perfect tool for copyrighting purposes).  I've hidden this in shame for many now and I will hide it no longer, as I now realize that I must live with it.  I also have pictures of him on these poems written to him (The Navajo Chapel).  

Some of my other writings are about Jim, another man who I had been told was my 'earth mate', another 'soul mate' you might say, and who I was told long ago was destined to come into my life.  Russell was trying to help me in many ways to 'guide' him.  What was predicted has come true to date; right down to the year he came into my life, our age difference; everything.  But how it has all turned out at this point in time, did not.  Our story very suddenly ended with extremely bitter feelings that I have in my heart and I see no way that there will ever be 'that happy ending' as it had been predicted so many years ago.  Even Russell told me long ago that he would come and when he did come, he told me he was the one.  This is why I felt no qualms about letting him into my life as I did.  I have since forgiven him, but there is ‘too much water under the bridge’ for things to ever be the same again; on his end, as well as mine.  But I am still very confused as to what my purpose was in his life and his in mine   

We have now completely severed all ties; which for me, is probably the most mentally healthy move I could have made.  Oddly enough, however, there is something about this person that will be missed and I cannot explain why.  I've never met anyone quite like him and probably never will. In all actuality, he is a bright, soulful creature, but he has many emotional problems that I am hoping he will seek help for.  One being, I believe, that he has a relationship addiction.  Our bond was seemingly strong in a very strange way.  But he's made some monumental mistakes.  This is a man who should be living in a place where multiple marriages are legal, but he would not be happy with that.  He lived for the 'thrill of the cheat'.  He lived a bizarre, complex life of secrets and betrayal and I have swiftly moved on.  As you will read, the 'relationship' (sadly, you couldn't even call it that after a while - it was just this strange, controlling, 'thing') became very bitter in the end.  How he kept up with all of his lies and secrets; I have NO IDEA!  It all caught up with him in the end, as he was 'living in a house of falling cards' and becoming careless BECAUSE he could not keep up with all of his lovers, lies and secrets.  This is how he got caught in the end.  Everything began to tumble down around him, but it was long overdue.  Before I made my exit from his life, I made sure that for the first time in his life, he was fully exposed to every woman he was betraying.  However, it was not done out of spite.  It was done to try to stop the vicious cycle.  I knew he was living a tortured life, actually.  He was out of control.  Now he has a leash so tightly wrapped around his neck by the partner who chose to stay with him (bless her heart), I'll bet he can barely breathe.  But life goes on.  I pray that he is getting the help that he needs and that he has found solace.  I just hope that he has found true happiness in his life, whether it is with or without me in it.  I truly did love this man  

Then there was Dennis.  That's all I can say      
 
There was a life in between.  A couple of failed marriages.  I don't even want to go there.  Not worth the space on this page...you know?  

I have survived in this life so far by seeking an understanding of all others around me; not by judging or disseminating.  Instead I choose compassion, empathy and unity.  I have for as long as I can remember.  I used to question and battle my Father's negative racial slurs when I was a small child and could never understand them.  He is a much different man than he used to be.  He had more than a couple of experiences that changed him  

If you have anything negative to say regarding the color of another person's skin, nationality, sexuality, religion; well if you want to bash anyone in any way, please take it somewhere else unless it is a legitimate complaint and it is not a personal hate issue, because this truly is my dream:

I dream that in five hundred years a lovely world we’ll see
Everyone of caramel skin; soft brown eyes with flecks of gold
Race will only mean one thing; for everyone will be the same
Prejudice will be unknown; in history books it will be told 
    ~ By Me! ~

Don't like it?  Oh, well, there are other places to go....adios!     

I'm proud to say, I have an AP family:
  My Beloved Princess Angel Fern in the UK (18) - D a f f o d i l            My AP Wedded Blessings - Lactar Wolfgang & pcntrygrl81          
My Prophet,Wiseman & Dear Friend in Dubai - Lencio-Sunchild  
 My Beautiful AP Sister & Confidant, Shawn - spamwitch  
My Wonderful AP Son, Nyasha in Kenya (26) - Musimwa   
My Adorable AP Son, James (23) - Lucian Valcor   
My Wonderful AP Son Pradeep in Napal (24) - Zpradeep     
  My Beautiful AP Daughter, Raven (23) - Almighty Aphrodite 
 My Beautiful AP Daughter, Michelle (17) - Future-Unfathomable      
  My Beautiful AP Daughter, Dust (15) - Twytch   
My Beautiful AP Daughter, Kelsey (15) - Coronach         
  My Beautiful AP Daughter, Kristin (15) - -Tesoro-
My Beautiful AP Daughter Jessica (15) - Angel de la Muerte   
My Beautiful Niece Maria / New Zealand (16) - DramaQueen469  
My Precious Guarded One #1 - Rivage
My Precious Guarded One #2 - Lavender Dreams    
My Precious Bio Page Spammer, Reni - Ishtar   
  My Beautiful Guardian Angel, Tammy - Angelic Love     
  My Beautiful Guardian Angel, Molly - Molly Densmore   
  My Beautiful Guardian Angel, Angel - ATrueAngel
My Beautiful Guardian Angel, Sandy - Wandering Angel    
  
And my many Dear AP Friends who I consider to be like family; too numerous to mention!  "You know who you are"    
Gheeze, that's a haunting phrase!   
Anyone who can tell me why and where they read it, gets 50 points!  
NOT NECESSARY TO APPLAUDE OR LEAVE COMMENTS TO FIND IT!


Acrostic done for me by Lencio-Sunchild
        Thank you, my precious Friend           
                       
                                            
In a mystic world she lives
Benevolent, far beyond compare
Even to those she has not even met
Becky, spells five, her favorite number
Enthusiasm and passion in all that she does
Courageously tackling her life’s endless storms
Killed were her dreams along with Russell’s death
Yet lives through grim yesterdays with a perfect smile



A tribute written for Russell and I by Jamie (verses on flesh)  

Comfort in Numbers

there is a comfort in numbers
like memories laying on the surface of my skin
in dreams we are dancing cheek to cheek
and all is safe with you embracing me
mistakes and choices are the things that guide us
to the places we were meant to be
we may leave dust to dust
and ashes to ashes
but some spirits never really sleep
I will celebrate my gains as well as my losses
and love for the sake of it (unselfishly)
because you are not here
does not mean you are gone
you will not be forgotten
there is still fate and there is still guidance
for my stories have not all been written

This was inspired by and is written for IbeBecky.  I was just really influenced by her stories about Russell.  I wanted to thank her for sharing them.  This is more or less a tribute to them and their love for each other.

   I 've no doubt that I am not the only one who is loving this       


   A Beautiful Acrostic written by my Beautiful Princess Angel Fern  

Virtues held within her embrace
Eternal love resides within her heart
Roaming the Earth seeking that
Obscure reality that surrounds us
Never looking back, never holding on to what was
Incandescent colours paint her beauty onto a
Canvas of glowing happiness
Again I look at her writes and see the

Crying ink, forming such sincere words
Reaching out to the reader
Offering reflection and relation of a
Subtle sadness that unites memories
Still I stand in awe of this amazing woman

                Thank you so much, My Princess Angel  

  
Two touching poems from One Whom I Guard, -Tesoro-   

   
    Unspoken Words of Love 

A voice so kind and calm
Yet so strong and powerful
A voice that drowns out all the pain
One that lulls me to sleep at night
A gentle touch of loving care
A motherly heart beat I hear

Our endless talks of life and its lessons
Shared jokes, fears and concerns
Memories of bad times spoken of
We’ll make memories of the new and better days

Daily hugs and guidance through life’s journeys
God’s path may be clouded to me
But you’re right there teaching me the ways of right and wrong
Showing me I can make it and I don’t have too wait long 
  
 Things I wouldn’t change in a million years
Past tears that you’ve helped clear
And for that there’s only one thing for me to share
That’s a lot of love from me to you 
 


For You...(IbeBecky)  11/30/05

I was so battered
So bruised
Lost so many battles
Then I found you.

You opened my eyes
Made me believe
I'm perfect inside
It's the way God made me.

You helped save me from all this
And got me to eat
Changed my life
I won't take defeat.

I can't wait for each day
To send some love; a few hugs
And a smile or two
You mean a lot to me
And I want to thank you.
 
Thank you, My 'lil Angel Girl   
This means EVERYTHING to me!       



From My Beautiful Michelle - Future-Unfathomable
~My Beautiful AP Daughter~ 

Thank You 

Once lost and consumed by the darkness
You found me and brought me back
Once hurting and wanting to fall
You caught me and fixed everything

Once weak and lost to hope
You held me up and returned my strength
Once burning with an internal rage
You extinguished the flame

Once wounded and dieing
You healed me with your love
Once tired and ready to sleep
You gave me a reason to be awake

Once a child lost in herself
You helped me see the woman inside
Once caught in a deadly web
You came and freed me from its evil hold

Once lost to the world
You came and returned me
Once waiting for something
You showed me I needed to find it

Once wounded and hurting myself
You gave me the answers that I was missing
Once stranded without an escape
You gave me access to a door

Once confused
Your knowledge saved me
Once waiting for fate
You told me to hold on tighter

Once clinging to a thread
You gave me a rope
Once knowing nothing but pain
You gave me love and freedom

Once lost and consumed by everything
You gave me the light to carry on

I owe you everything
You expect nothing
I love you for who you are
You love me for who I am
My savior from the darkness
You are the one who saw what I held inside

Thank you so very much, Michelle

A poem written by my little Rivage on December 21, 2005

IBB

There she was hurt and in pain,
once lost but now she is found

There she is looking out
for the ones in need

There she will be shining
like the star she truly is

I couldn't leave IbeBecky out of my site. She is my secret Angel and saw something in me that I still haven't been able to do. I am sorry Becky; sorry and grateful.

Sweetheart, don't be sorry.  Like I tell all of my precious teens and even some adults who come to me in despair; look deep inside of yourself.  Your beauty IS there.  You are a perfect and unique creation.  Allow your inner beauty to radiate so that others can appreciate it

Thank you for your beautiful poem, Honey!

  TO OUR MANY AP TEENS:  PLEASE PLAY IT SAFE OUT THERE!
Give NO personal information about yourselves to ANYBODY!
When in doubt, talk to your Parents first....PLEASE!    

Remember to smile, even through the tears