Todmeister• Show poetry

*I've starred my favourite of my poems, by doing this: *------*. Some of the other ones will make you hate me, or at least make you wonder what I was on, and where did I get it so you can have the place ripped down and destroyed.*

Mainly, I write anything. Whatever comes into my head.

A bit about me: I like writing stories, poems, role playing, listening to music, improvising random things on my guitar, and occasionally playing the violin. That is to say, I occasionally like playing it, I have to play it every day.

Musically, I'm Grade 5 violin, and Grade 2 standard guitar, and taking Music GCSE, which is really a mistake, along with Drama, but hey... they were the only things I liked at the time.

I get pretty much straight A*s, so apparently I must be quite bright, and as a potential career, I am currently thinking of Forensic scientist. Fun, non?

Sadly, a lot of my poetry is despressive, which is annoying... and I one day intend to write a poem about hugs, I just haven't got around to it yet.

Profound thoughts:

*Fear is that little dark room where negatives develop*

*What makes a sane man mad would make a mad man sane*

*If you do not understand my silence, how will you understand my words?*

*In the dark, you turn to the blind. As such, when this world succumbs to insanity, it is to the insane we must turn.*

*We in this world have a freedom to choose: good or bad, right or wrong. Each path is laid before us and yet we let our feet tread the path to perdition, and our only thought is of the nicety of the shoes we wear for the walk.*

*When life gives you oranges, make lemonade and leave them all wondering how you did it*

Funny lines (there's a lot of 'em):

*The voices in my head tell me you have issues.*

*You're such a loser, even your invisible friend hates you!*

*You're just jealous because the little voices talk to me*

*There are some people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings and I hate people like that!*

*I'm only smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet*

*There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't*

*There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those who understand binary and those who don't*

*Keep talking, and one day you'll say something intelligent*

*I'm schizophrenic, and so am I!*

*I'm not racist, I have colour TV!*

*I'm not a mass murderer, I'm a self-employed population control engineer*

*The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for 'entrepreneur'*

*Latest surveys show that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population*

*Everyone is entitled to be stupid; most people are abusing the privilege*

*People like you make people like me need to take medication*

*My psychiatrist told me that I suffered from mental insanity but she was wrong - I enjoy every minute of it!*

*Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines*

*I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem*

*You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is a chinese, the Swiss hold the America's cup, France is accusing the U.S of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'*

*They say "Guns don't kill people, people do." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people*

*Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you*

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like....night.

3. On the other hand....you have different fingers.

4. 82.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, almost half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of memory loss.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand if you do.

14. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! !

16. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. What happens if you get scared half to death ... twice?

19. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

20. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering 'What the heck happened?'

21. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

22. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

23. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15 Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22 How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

there's two theories to argueing with women. neither one works

it's true hard work never killed anybody, but i figure, why take the chance?

i'm planning to retire and live off my savings. what i'll do the second day, i have no idea.

broken promises don't upset me. i just think, why one earth did they believe me?

rehab is for quitters.

the reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

you can go a long way with a smile. you can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

sometimes i think i understand everything. then i regain consciousness

have you ever noticed? anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

junk: stuff we keep
stuff: junk we keep

people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning.

i've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. well.. .unless i want to buy something.

just when i think i can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.

technically it's not premarital sex unless you're planning on getting married.

all i ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.

a big enough hammer fixes anything.

the trouble with living life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry.

i feel sorry for people who don't drink. when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

it's said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. alright. problem is... so is ugliness

my girlfriend told me i should be more affectionate. so i got two girlfriends.

psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. if me and three of my friends are ok, then... that certainly explains a lot about you

champagne to my real friends and real pain to my sham friends.

a computer does save time at work. now i can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.

anything free is worth what you pay for it.

knowledge is power... but power corrupts... and corruption is a crime... and crime doesn't pay... so if you keep on studying you'll go broke!

who can i blame for my own problems? give me a moment... i'll find someone.

friends help you move. real friends help you move bodies.

no sense being pessimistic. it probably wouldn't work anyway.

am i an optimist? I hope so!

the original point and click interface was a smith & wesson

if a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?

never hit a man with glasses. hit him with something bigger and heavier.

if you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation

don't drink and drive. you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

don't steal. the government hates competition.

when i read about the evils of drinking, i gave up reading.

bullets speak louder than reason.

do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

i'm not working out. my philosophy: no pain, no pain.

my vote is for sale!! all you have to do is lower my taxes.

last night i played a blank tape at full blast. the mime next door went nuts.

my wife keeps complaining i never listen to her... or something like that.

is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

why do we call it pms? because 'mad cow disease' is already taken.

i just had skylights put in my place. the people who live above me are furious.

make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

i'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

i used to think i was indecisive, but now i'm not sure.

if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

exercise is such a bad word, that, whenever i say it, i immediately wash my mouth with chocolate!

please leave, we want to bitch about you.

never buy a rolex from someone who is out of breath.

if at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you.

reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

i have just one thing to say. well, i don't really have anything to say. i guess, i just wanted some attention.

if you can't laugh at yourself, i'll be glad to do so for you.

this isn't an office. it's hell with flourescent lighting.

how do i set a laser printer to stun?

remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

this isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

a smith & wesson *always* beats 4 aces.

a penny saved is nothing in the real world.

don't rush me. i get paid by the hour.

it's only unethical if you get caught.

there's too much blood in my alcohol system.

what is a "free" gift? aren't all gifts free?

never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

i used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

it is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end.

i went to the missing persons bureau. no one was there.

dead owls don't give a hoot.

i suhport publik edukashun.

i.r.s.: we've got what it takes to take what you've got!

why are blondes so sexually promiscuous? who cares?

love thy neighbor! especially if she's blonde.

my wife ran off with my best friend.... and i sure do miss him!

did you just stop to think for a second, and forget to start again?

boycott shampoo... demand real poo!

those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

write your questions down on the back of a 20 pound note and send them to me at the following address.

if you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late

when you're right, no one remembers. when you're wrong, no one forgets

i like work. it fascinates me. i can sit and look at it for hours.

two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights sure do make a left

if life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. then when life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. that'll teach him.

dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them

they say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. but giving the finger is free too, and i find it more personal and sincere.

anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone

You get what you pay for, unless you steal

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a while. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

"Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time."

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you. It's statistically proven that the more you have, the longer you live.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever

I've never had a problem with drugs; it's the police I have trouble with.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I don't drink any more... thank you! thank you! But on that same note...I don't drink any less either!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Most of us have two chances of becoming financially wealthy ... slim and none.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

the only thing standing between you and your goals is you and your goals

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Most people work hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. Nonsense! For instance, if PacMan affected kids born in the eighties, we should by now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music.

It's not me who can't keep a secret, it's the people I tell that can't.

A real friend isn't the one bailing you out of jail. They're the ones sitting next to you saying, 'Man that was cool!'

There's no such thing as gravity... the earth sucks

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.

Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking yourself

What do we want? PROCRASTINATION
When do we want it? TOMORROW

The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Did you know that cigarette smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics?

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on

There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people.

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the motherfucker.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die

I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

"Sorry, I was lost in thought." "What was it, unfamiliar territory?"

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?
A. Look, No hands!

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-WIP-

Feel free to use any of these lines, so long as you tell me that you are doing so and show me the finished poem.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Augmenting morning dew with tears
Worrying about all my groundless fears
Your presence to me is like salt on soil
My life is running like a machine without oil

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Happy Fucking Birthday:

Another year gone by
Another year I didn't die
Another year I never cried
Another year I lied inside

So it's a happy fucking birthday to you
And it's a happy fucking birthday to me
Happy fucking birthday to us
Now let's get as fucking pissed as we can be

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Here I stand, a decrepid corpse of rotting flesh. The wind stirs. I lift my face, and know.

Suffering in silence/Silent sufferer.

Do you call this democracy?

Street lights flicker like this match in my hand.

Did you turn my life upside down?
My life is a cloud drifty and shapeless
How can you tell if a cloud is upside down?

The closer you get to the light, the larger your shadow becomes.

strive/see
fail/be

I'm dying to live, but to live is to die.

Here's my cliche: want to touch it?

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Wall of Sound:

But we're surrounded by a wall of sound,
Where nothing can get off the ground
Without being bombarded by all
The adverts, the pleas, the cries
The screams, the gossip, and the lies
So until we can all just break free
There's gonna be just you and me
Trying to shut up and enjoy the silence
But while we spread the message around,
We're surrounded by a wall of sound

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And this unholy cacophony is
An obscene dichotomy:
Self-annihilation or bust
And when we get there,
It's Life Over, Return to Energiser
Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars
Because in the end, we all die as paupers.

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Haha, no e's!:

I'm running down low
My companions spurning
That which I am

Knowing I'm not privy
To important discussions
Involving a contrastingly colourful world
To this gray cosmos which
I inhabit.

But I want to join in
To know that I'm important
That I'm not just a commodity
To disdain at will.

For a foundation of
My humanity lays in trust;
In my contributions to our
Companionship.

As now
My dismissal is implying
My companions hold my actuality
With apathy.

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*I've starred my favourite of my poems, by doing this: *------*. Some of the other ones will make you hate me, or at least make you wonder what I was on, and where did I get it so you can have the place ripped down and destroyed.*