WELL JUST SO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE A BEEF WITH ME WELL I'M A ****ING VEGETARIAN SO GET OVER IT.((P.S. I'M NOT REALLY A VEGETARIAN))
"I'm am a reaper and I will be your page director" *poof I'm behind you* so look *poof*"ha I'm already back don't touch anything mouse or keyboard seriously if you do I will go *poof* and be at your house and don't turn around cause I am already standing behind you and if you look at me you will go *poof* but never come back so comment or I will go *poof* and I will be in your dreams but seriously I'm not crazy" *the voice inside my head says "or am I"* "bye" zzz... *poof*
Well I'm Tony Machado I'm 17 I'm random strange and demented i pretty much just like to live my life so like me or my work or don't either way I don't care
"Yay" zzzzzz... Oh um "I'm back" "Ooooh look a pretty" "Uh what were we talkiin about" "Well bye" *poof I'm gone*
*poof I'm back*
Well I'm Tony Machado I'm 17 I'm random strange and demented i pretty much just like to live my life so like me or my work or don't either way I don't care
.
"Yay" zzzzzz... Oh um "I'm back" "Ooooh look a pretty" "Uh what were we talkiin about" "Well bye" *poof I'm gone*
*poof*
"Yes I know their is something wrong with me"
*poof behind you*
"but i'm not crazy"
*poof*
WELL EVERYBODY LISTEN I'm a JUGGALO AND if you are to her are words to live bye:
The Thirteen Juggalo Comandments
1.Thou shalt always holla a "whoop whoop" to let thy neighbor know you're around
2.Thou shalt not take the Dark Carnivals name in vain,else shall have ye head sliteth
3.Always stay true to thy Family as they shall be true to you
4.Thou shalt not base ye life or looks on mainstream perceptions
5.Thou shalt always keep ye shyt wicked and wild
6.If called a "Freak, Crazy, Psycho, or Deranged, etc." thou shalt raise both middle fingers and say thanks
7.Thou shalt keep ye hatchet sharp and ready for haters
8.If thou be a true Juggalo/lette, Thou shall always represent with pride
9.Thou shalt not pass judgement on another, lest it is passed on you first
10.Thou shalt always keep a blunt rolled and a beer ready for thy Homies
11.Remember if thou art faketh, we shall braketh thy *** in half
12.We are not against the world, the world is against us. So remember to keep them middle fingers ready
13.Be what we wanna be, act how we wanna act, see what we wanna see. I have crazy hobbies but if your interested you can hit me up just don't be surprised
"Friends: Never ask for food.
Juggalos: are the reason you have no food.
Friends: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
Juggalos: Call your parents DAD/MOM
Friends: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
Juggalos: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!"
Friends: never seen you cry.
Juggalos: cry with you
Friends: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
Juggalos: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.
Friends: know a few things about you.
Juggalos: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.
Friends: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
Juggalos: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
Friends: Would knock on your front door.
Juggalos: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"
Friends: Are for awhile.
juggalos: Are for life.
Friends: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
Juggalos: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don't waste shit."
Friends: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
Juggalos: Will knock them the fuck out
Friends: Would ignore this
Juggalos: Will send this to all their Juggalos and hope to get it back!!""
My AP Family
Myself(Psycho): Elected Dead(Tony)
Sister(Short): Toxic Stardust(Alicia)
Sister(Crazy): Guardian of Shadows(Haley)
Lil Sister(Hyper): XxAngelofSorrowxX(Molly)
Sister(Funny): Danzy007(Dani)
Sister(Close): lunagirl15(Luna/Lauren)
Daughter(Don't Ask): ~Sam~(Samira)
Brother(Twisted): Atticus Echoes(Cory)
Brother(Especial):Zakane Frostwing(Skinner)
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.
* If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line while we trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic, press 969696961001
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
* If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
* If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep. Or after the beep. Or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.
*I press 3,4,5,and 6* -they traced my call then beamed me to the mother ship- *while on the ship I heard the little voices* and they told "me no one will answer" *I pressed 8 but can't remember what happened**I pressed 9* *I pressed 9* *I pressed 9* *I pressed 9* *But in the end I hung up the people were just to busy* *click*
MY CAR GOES VROOM and I say " yay" MY CAR GOES VROOM and I say " yay" MY CAR GOES BOOOM and I say "ooooh ppprrreetttyyy"
Funny Things To Shout Out
That's a huge *****.
"tacos!"
MEH!BEH!PLEB!
Yay!
PENIS!!!
Funny Phrases
The beatings will continue until morale improves
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
What goes around gets dizzy and fall over!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
I'm planning to be more spontaneous in the future
I married "Miss Right". Unfortunately, I didn't know that her first name
was "Always".
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming like his passengers.
Press any key to... No! Not THAT one!
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... Coincidence?
Politics: From the Greek "poli" meaning "many", and "tics" meaning blood-sucking parasite.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
The road to success is always under construction.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak
Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop
"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours !
When two's company, three's the result !
A dress is like a barbed fence, It protects the premises without restricting the view
The more you learn, the more you know,the more you know, the more you forget the more you forget, the less you know, So.. why learn.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
"I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times."
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot"
Lifes Tough, get a helmet
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...."
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough."
"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
"I am at two with nature."
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber."
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."
"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed."
"Zippers are more popular in automated offices than elsewhere -- if you wear a button, someone's liable to push it."
"Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting."
"Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools."
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
We are a dying breed
To every guy that's said, "Sex CAN wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that took time to do what she wanted to do.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours
just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful
no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared
through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything
so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her
when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy
even if you are not with her.
...This one bulletin is for you...
Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...
And because of this, there are not many left out there...
i guarantee 90% of the men on your page will not repost this cuz they care more about their image
If you are a nice guy repost this with "We're a Dying Breed "
If you are a girl that thinks every guy should treat a girl this way
repost this with: "To Every Guy...
80% of Americans say "I LOVE YOU".
20% actually mean it.
If you honestly are in the 20%, paste this into your profile
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
---oOo-----------oOo
-O-------O-----O-------O
o-----------o-o-----------o
O------------o------------O
-o-------------------------o
---O---------------------O
-------o------------o
----------O------O
-------------o-o
--------------O
Put this on your page if you are/used to be in love!
*A true hero
A real hero is dirty
His cape encrusted with blood
he is mean and looks evil
But he will do everything to deny he is a hero
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, IwuvMyKenshyPoo, Heidiplease, iNsOmNiAc BiLlIe JoE lOvEr, Black Panther Warrior,Mina the Mischevious, SnowNeko, KylaMizuki, SkyeEyesSparkle7135, Ms.Misery.SouthernSecrets15. ChristinaXCuriosity, SecretButterfly, XxxSuicidal-lovexxX, Property.of.Jesus, Yourhateful. WhoAmIToday, bleedingheart91, Guardian of Shadows, shadow of the void, Danzy007, Elected Dead
One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was explaining evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see GOD?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. He just doesn't exist.
(The little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed.)
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No!
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one...........
II CORINTHIANS 5:7 "FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"
Emoticons:
http://allpoetry.com/column/306041
OBITUARY OF THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding and unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing
Your Result: Boogeyman
You are the evil of evil! You make all other monsters quiver with fear!! You probably have killed in your life, maybe not a human, but more than likely you have! You make the Grim Reaper seem like a sissy
"I'm am a reaper and I will be your page director" *poof I'm behind you* so look *poof*"ha I'm already back don't touch anything mouse or keyboard seriously if you do I will go *poof* and be at your house and don't turn around cause I am already standing behind you and if you look at me you will go *poof* but never come back so comment or I will go *poof* and I will be in your dreams but seriously I'm not crazy" *the voice inside my head says "or am I"* "bye" zzz... *poof*
Well I'm Tony Machado I'm 17 I'm random strange and demented i pretty much just like to live my life so like me or my work or don't either way I don't care
"Yay" zzzzzz... Oh um "I'm back" "Ooooh look a pretty" "Uh what were we talkiin about" "Well bye" *poof I'm gone*
*poof I'm back*
Well I'm Tony Machado I'm 17 I'm random strange and demented i pretty much just like to live my life so like me or my work or don't either way I don't care
.
"Yay" zzzzzz... Oh um "I'm back" "Ooooh look a pretty" "Uh what were we talkiin about" "Well bye" *poof I'm gone*
*poof*
"Yes I know their is something wrong with me"
*poof behind you*
"but i'm not crazy"
*poof*
WELL EVERYBODY LISTEN I'm a JUGGALO AND if you are to her are words to live bye:
The Thirteen Juggalo Comandments
1.Thou shalt always holla a "whoop whoop" to let thy neighbor know you're around
2.Thou shalt not take the Dark Carnivals name in vain,else shall have ye head sliteth
3.Always stay true to thy Family as they shall be true to you
4.Thou shalt not base ye life or looks on mainstream perceptions
5.Thou shalt always keep ye shyt wicked and wild
6.If called a "Freak, Crazy, Psycho, or Deranged, etc." thou shalt raise both middle fingers and say thanks
7.Thou shalt keep ye hatchet sharp and ready for haters
8.If thou be a true Juggalo/lette, Thou shall always represent with pride
9.Thou shalt not pass judgement on another, lest it is passed on you first
10.Thou shalt always keep a blunt rolled and a beer ready for thy Homies
11.Remember if thou art faketh, we shall braketh thy *** in half
12.We are not against the world, the world is against us. So remember to keep them middle fingers ready
13.Be what we wanna be, act how we wanna act, see what we wanna see. I have crazy hobbies but if your interested you can hit me up just don't be surprised
"Friends: Never ask for food.
Juggalos: are the reason you have no food.
Friends: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
Juggalos: Call your parents DAD/MOM
Friends: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
Juggalos: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!"
Friends: never seen you cry.
Juggalos: cry with you
Friends: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
Juggalos: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.
Friends: know a few things about you.
Juggalos: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.
Friends: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
Juggalos: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
Friends: Would knock on your front door.
Juggalos: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"
Friends: Are for awhile.
juggalos: Are for life.
Friends: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
Juggalos: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don't waste shit."
Friends: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
Juggalos: Will knock them the fuck out
Friends: Would ignore this
Juggalos: Will send this to all their Juggalos and hope to get it back!!""
My AP Family
Myself(Psycho): Elected Dead(Tony)
Sister(Short): Toxic Stardust(Alicia)
Sister(Crazy): Guardian of Shadows(Haley)
Lil Sister(Hyper): XxAngelofSorrowxX(Molly)
Sister(Funny): Danzy007(Dani)
Sister(Close): lunagirl15(Luna/Lauren)
Daughter(Don't Ask): ~Sam~(Samira)
Brother(Twisted): Atticus Echoes(Cory)
Brother(Especial):Zakane Frostwing(Skinner)
Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.
* If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line while we trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic, press 969696961001
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
* If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
* If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep. Or after the beep. Or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.
*I press 3,4,5,and 6* -they traced my call then beamed me to the mother ship- *while on the ship I heard the little voices* and they told "me no one will answer" *I pressed 8 but can't remember what happened**I pressed 9* *I pressed 9* *I pressed 9* *I pressed 9* *But in the end I hung up the people were just to busy* *click*
MY CAR GOES VROOM and I say " yay" MY CAR GOES VROOM and I say " yay" MY CAR GOES BOOOM and I say "ooooh ppprrreetttyyy"
Funny Things To Shout Out
That's a huge *****.
"tacos!"
MEH!BEH!PLEB!
Yay!
PENIS!!!
Funny Phrases
The beatings will continue until morale improves
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
What goes around gets dizzy and fall over!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
I'm planning to be more spontaneous in the future
I married "Miss Right". Unfortunately, I didn't know that her first name
was "Always".
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming like his passengers.
Press any key to... No! Not THAT one!
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... Coincidence?
Politics: From the Greek "poli" meaning "many", and "tics" meaning blood-sucking parasite.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
The road to success is always under construction.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak
Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Love is photogenic, It needs darkness to develop
"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours !
When two's company, three's the result !
A dress is like a barbed fence, It protects the premises without restricting the view
The more you learn, the more you know,the more you know, the more you forget the more you forget, the less you know, So.. why learn.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
"I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times."
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
"My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil."
"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot"
Lifes Tough, get a helmet
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...."
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough."
"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."
"I am at two with nature."
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber."
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."
"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed."
"Zippers are more popular in automated offices than elsewhere -- if you wear a button, someone's liable to push it."
"Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting."
"Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools."
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
We are a dying breed
To every guy that's said, "Sex CAN wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that took time to do what she wanted to do.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours
just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful
no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared
through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything
so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her
when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy
even if you are not with her.
...This one bulletin is for you...
Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...
And because of this, there are not many left out there...
i guarantee 90% of the men on your page will not repost this cuz they care more about their image
If you are a nice guy repost this with "We're a Dying Breed "
If you are a girl that thinks every guy should treat a girl this way
repost this with: "To Every Guy...
80% of Americans say "I LOVE YOU".
20% actually mean it.
If you honestly are in the 20%, paste this into your profile
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
---oOo-----------oOo
-O-------O-----O-------O
o-----------o-o-----------o
O------------o------------O
-o-------------------------o
---O---------------------O
-------o------------o
----------O------O
-------------o-o
--------------O
Put this on your page if you are/used to be in love!
*A true hero
A real hero is dirty
His cape encrusted with blood
he is mean and looks evil
But he will do everything to deny he is a hero
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, IwuvMyKenshyPoo, Heidiplease, iNsOmNiAc BiLlIe JoE lOvEr, Black Panther Warrior,Mina the Mischevious, SnowNeko, KylaMizuki, SkyeEyesSparkle7135, Ms.Misery.SouthernSecrets15. ChristinaXCuriosity, SecretButterfly, XxxSuicidal-lovexxX, Property.of.Jesus, Yourhateful. WhoAmIToday, bleedingheart91, Guardian of Shadows, shadow of the void, Danzy007, Elected Dead
One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was explaining evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see GOD?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. He just doesn't exist.
(The little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed.)
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No!
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one...........
II CORINTHIANS 5:7 "FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"
Emoticons:
http://allpoetry.com/column/306041
OBITUARY OF THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding and unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing
Your Result: Boogeyman
You are the evil of evil! You make all other monsters quiver with fear!! You probably have killed in your life, maybe not a human, but more than likely you have! You make the Grim Reaper seem like a sissy
- Last seen 2 days ago. Member since September 13, 2008.
- I'm a diamond love poet for 187 comments.
- My mood is , and quote is "is fallin from the sky wondering why the world is so beatiful as his obliteration is at hand".
- I am a 18 year old man from Alabama (United States)
- When I'm not writing, I'm the reeper stocking your souls.
- I am in the groups Chaos Realm, Empire of the Metamorphi, Love Gone Wrong, Moonlight Wolf Pack, Naruto Fanz, The Arena, The Hitchhikers A to Z Guide to Races, The Kingdom of Shadows, The Naruto Group, The Oasis School, The Warriors of Old, the kingdom of the shadow god
- I have 187 comments, 2 contests, 1 addline, 33 poems
Poems I'm focused on
My Poetry
-
I'll rampage the streets and devour the souls
The havack I create shall now unfold,19 lines, 2 comments, October 26 -
1. What is your dream?
To get married and have a descent enough job to be able to afford to support my family and give them the things I n60 lines, 3 comments, July 11 -
I had my heart taken away
I wish I had it back today,23 lines, 5 comments, July 7
Guest Book
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Second Dance Reborn : You don't know me (unless you've been listening to some pretty bad stories) on November 16You don't know me, but I've had a certain dragon/croc/Sobek follower tell me how amazing you are. I thought I'd say hi and thank you for everything you have done for said person
Rayn -
JustSam : umm.. cheer? on November 10
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JustSam : unmm.. butterfly? on November 10
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Croc of the Void : -poke- on November 5-poke- Hey dude, I have news...I might be getting put on anti-depressants soon. Just thought I would let you know just incase i like...go crazy on here or something.
Anyway, i'll ttyl and maybe i'll get to see ya soon...
