The D- Man• Show poetry

Dermott Brereton: What a man! These are just some of his inspiring quotes.

"I know Matty Lloyd personally and the fact is he is a compulsive liar, therefore excuse me when I don't entirely trust me that he has indeed torn his hamstring muscle from the bone". Dermie at half time of the Dons vs Dogs clash.

"Chris Bryan is a young kid, who I know for a fact snorts too much cocaine which is why he isn't getting near the footy." Dermie again, Chris Bryan was subsequently drug tested and banned for two years.

"If I was coaching the Hawks, and believe me those hapless bastards have asked, then the first thing I'd do is plonk Crawf at full forward." Dermie's moronic coaching strategy.

"I'm not racist Gary but fact is that I'd rather play with white guys, you can trust them more and you can count on them not to be huffing petrol before the game. So no, if I was the Hawks I wouldn't trade for Eddie Betts." Dermie was banned from Channel 9 for the 6 weeks after these aired comments.

"I can't tell ya how many times I racially vilified opponents, at least two hundered and that'd be the Krakoeur brothers alone." Dermie on the sensitive subject of racial vilifacation.

"If Kosi wears a helmet then I've got a present for him: a bra!" Dermie on what advantages Justin Koschitzke should do to prevent himself from having his skull fractured again.

"I hate umpires, and once letter bombed Darren Goldspink's house, that just shows my commitment to the mighty Hawkers" Quote from Dermie's autobiography "Blood,Sweat and Piss ups" it has been banned in all states but has been given a release in the Northen Territory due to legal reasons.

"Listen in many ways I wish Blake Carecella would never walk again, then I'd know he was truly committed to playing AFL football." Dermie after he was quizzed on whether Carecella should play AFL again this season.

"i hate seeing guys come off after being knocked out, if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. I don't care how many times Lingy has been knocked out, get him back on." Dermie

"Lethal Leigh Matthews is a shitbreak and I hated him as a captain, but gotta love him as a coach. Massive props Leigh" Dermie.

"I'd delist Daniel Kerr in a heartbeat, talentless hack." Dermie on Fox Footy the night before Kerr finished second in the Bronwlow.

"Is rubbing your scrotum against a girl in a club offensive? Cause if it is then yes Spida deserves a suspenison and I owe about 100 apologies". The Big Dermie again.

"The sound of bones breaking almost makes me orgasm on the spot, that's why I delight in breaking jaws. Still do to this day." Dermie

"Garry you were a hack, remember when I kicked 8 on you at Waverly? Can't believe you made the All Australian CHB in 88! By the way I slammed your wife after that game, cause I like to take a trophy from my victims and you'd just been 'Dermied'!" Garry Lyon reportedly will never work with Dermie on camera again and broke Dermie's left wrist after these comments aired on Garry Lyon's episode of 'This is Your Life'.

Me and two of my mates form Broken Hill were recently dropped for the firsts after drinking six bottles of Jimmy on a two day bender after our Thursday night training session. My future with the club is still in question after I bottled our President with one of those aforementioned Jimmy bottles when he informed me of my demotion.

I returned to the Broekn Hill firsts this week but we went down once more and I was sent off for "Mike Tyson-ing" my opponent. Well if he's gonna shove his head anywhere near mine in a pack then he can expect a partially bitten earlobe.

"It's got wheels dipshit, so f***ing roll it" What I said to a polie officer in a wheelchair on my way out of Quamby Magistrates court after being fined $8000 for arranging illegal dogfights.

After realising that Quambatook would not be able to utilise my amazing skills due to the stich up job that the umps gave me I have signed a ten week contract with the Broken Hill Brickbats. On the weekend we went down by a goal after I gave away four consecutive 50 metre penalities in the last 12 seconds of the game. I am now suspended for five matches for allegedly "stomping" on the goal umpire. I maintain that Macca dropped the ump i just finished the job by studding him in the gnads.

Seal has got to be the most dynamic musiscian since the great Terence Trent D'Aarby.

Quick update on the Quambatook Dragons, my footy team, we recently towelled the Beulah Eagles by 340 points but had our score wiped as we had 34 players on the field. I have subsequently been suspended for the rest of the season for squirrel gripping the central umpire.

16 is the number of AFL teams that approached me to pull on their jersey this year, but if the mighty Quambatook Dragons still want me manning the goalsquare then it's always going to be a polite "no".

"Lick my whinnips you overpayed tosspot" My comments towards Marc Murphy of Cartlton after he was concussed by Phil Read. SHould of got up the weak dog.

If you can't appreciate Shakira's "Hips don't lie" then you don't appreciate music in general.

I hope I see Paul Capsis again one day so I can give him the present i've been holding for him: a knuckle sandwich.

Popular by Nada Surf typifies my attitude to life and peoples attitude towards me: utter reverence!

My recent absence from this site is sure to have shocked, disgusted and even sent some of you to the brink of suicide but never fear I'm back, and it's like i've never been gone bitches!!


Self Help books are the biggest wank ever, i bought one and in no chapter did it tell me how i could rob an armoured car.


My memory will live on as when you have lived a life like mine there is no way it can go unnoticed.


I fucken hate Goths they all make me want to shit itno a bag, light it and throw it at their fucken black eyelined faces.


My boxing career was pretty exciting and shortlived. 6 KOs each within forty seconds of the 1st round beginning unfortunately i was on the receiving end of each of the KOs and was told to stop fighting by a doctor who said if i took another blow to the head i'd die. That's pretty exhilrating.

The worst travesty on this earth in that Steven Segal has not won an Oscar. Haven't those bastards at the academy seen Exit wounds?

I haven't really got anything against Latvia per se apart from the fact that i was mugged and molested by their prime minister.

I haven't yet been to court and acquitted I tell you all jurors are FUCKED!

If there really is a God what lesson am i being taught by not getting a shag in the last seven months.

I have an afinity to my left aggot, i don't know why it's just my favourite.

I cried like a girl the first time i got hit with a bowling ball in the nuts. Who was to know that this would occur twenty seven more times up to the present date. Maybe that's why i shoot blanks.

Any woman who has ever rejected me is either a lesbian, A-sexual or a dog. Because if they weren't then my advances would not have been unwelcome.

How was i to know that the cop was a hooker? She looked like a tart so i grabbed her arse end of story. (Well it incidentally wasn't the end of that as she pressed charges, the end of that was when i was realeased after 6 months from Pentridge).

A friendly bit of advice never expose yourself to a nun, as they carry rosary beads which when whipped across your wang cane like a muthafucka and they often carry large wooden crosses which can be brought down swiftly upon your head. Also don't do this during communion.
I'm not saying Kostya Tsuzu is a girls blouse but what i will say that if some little scrotum (Ricky Hatton) appears in little blue leggings then he deserves to be well and truly fucked up. Kostya you wimp!

I was horrified when i found out a cock fight had been arranged in my backyard, not because a cock fight was arranged (that was my idea) but the fact that two blokes decided that a 'cockfight' constituted them with no pants and a tub of lubricant. Unluckily for them i sicked my pitbull on them. You must get those pants on quicker lads!

I wouldn't say i was a thug just that if i meet a cocky blighter I'll lamp him and let me tell you I've met a lot of cocky blighters. (I've also lamped a lot of cocky blighters but this might be overexplaining things).

Adam Bentick has got to be the worst excuse for a footballer I've ever seen and if the little bastard wants to take me on in the ring then I'm reay to lamp the fucka!

Does it make me a philanthropist to give money to the seeing eye dog foundation yet at night break in and steal the seeing eye dogs and down the track sell them back to the guide dogs foundation at an inflated price?
I think it does, fuck it if you don't.

If she was a lesbian why did she care that i said she had droopy tits?

Yes I cried druing "The Seed Of Chucky" I never knew a movie could be filled with so much beauty and hell a talking, killing ventriliquist doll now that's funny. And realistic.

BooYah!!!!!!

My camping experiences have been nothing short of spectacular, just give me two slabs of woodies,the bush air and my stash of porno mags and i am at home. When i say camping experinces i really mean a couple of hours out in the bush getting smashed and having a wack. I hope that's cleared up.

I can vouch that stealing medical supplies can be a surprisingly healthy income if you sell it to the right people. Junkies mostly.

"I can honestly say that the sale of Telstra is opposed by me and therefore plain wrong as i am obviously the only person that the little man with the eybrows should be listening to" This seems a very egocentric comment by the D-Man consdidering he doesn't actually know the name of the Autralian Prime Minister and therefore should not be commenting that he should become a member of parliament without being elected. You would have to be pretty arrogrant to believe that but hey who ever said the D-Man wasn't a complete fuckstick.

"Honestly Ed, smoking crack was an extremley exciting time of my life and to have my nuts sucked by two pros at the same time was pure bliss." Dermie drawing parralells between Micky O'Loughlin and having his nutsack sucked.

"Boxing is not a sport, it's my life and my life is a sack of shit and therefore so is boxing" 'Aussie' Joe Bugner on his boxing career.

"Just cause i play right back for Perth Glory and haven't had a sniff in any of the major leagues doesn't mean I'm not the best soccer player in the world you knobjockeys." Jade North on his lack of overseas interest.

"The current war in Iraq is not only a gross injustice but flies in the face of my theories on peace and prosperity as well as my sense of righteousness" The D-Man on his disregarded input when the UN had a summit regarding the Iraw war. One can only wonder why he thought his input would be valid, what a cocksucka.

"Sixteen cups of cold Milo is not gluttony in fact it is a nutrional neccesity" The D-Man on the notion of healthy eating.

Evidently the shittest town in Australia is Quambatook as once when i was 17 my fake ID was knocked back at no less then four pubs and two brothels. Bastards.

My aggots are like a tempeature gauge,they can tell straight away what clothes i need to wear as soon as they taste the fresh air. Freaky, huh?

"Now i don't want to sound racist Ed, but every single Asian person cannot drive, is it harsh to deport them all for that? I don't think so." Dermie on a sesitive racial issue.

"I dunno about you Ed, but i cream myself every time Richie Vandenberg throws a haymaker." Dermie.

"Now Gaz, Matty Pavlich has a nose the size of South Australia but shit that brotha can play footy." Dermie again.

I don't know if this will hurt my rock hard persona but i must admit i cried like a bitch at the end of Billy Elliot. Not because it was sad but because i realised that for the entirwe movie i had been sitting in a melted bag of maltesers thus ruining my favourite pair of flares. When i asked for my money back from the cinema they said no, so i burnt it down. Arson is a dirty word.

People of Allpoetry unite, your saviour has arrived in the form of the D-Man. That may sound arrogrant but as if it is unjustified.

"Listen Gaz my wife can have the kids, frankly i don't give a fuck but if she thinks she is getting the boat or my merc then she's gotta another thing coming" Dermie at the half time break of the West Coast-Port clash.

Undoubtedly my greatest achievement to date was training my johnny come lately, "Typhoon's Trolley", to it's first foray out of the gates. Unfortunately it was just to eat some grass before collapsing and dying. I guess that's what you get for buying a 29 year old horse.

"Hey Roger great game. Now tell me Roger can i have your shoes because i could get a packet for them on ebay." Jim Courier after Roger Federer's quarter final win, apparently Courier later stole Roger's shoes from the locker room.

"As far as I'm am concerned JA, Llyeyton is a cocksucka and will always be a cocksucka but you can't fault his form" Jim Courier in a recent Australian Open singles match.

I now only train 15 johnny come latelys because i shot half a dozen, gave a couple away and drowned the majority after none of them failed to get out the of the gates in the same race. In fact all the horses were mine in that race but because none of them got out of the gates i didn't get the prize money. Therefore i drove my horse float off Queenscliff peir, drowning all those useless cocksuckas.

My cousin Larry recently was busted for drug possession and was sentenced to six months prison, the funny thing about that was it was my cocaine they found. Sucks to him.

"I'm just here for the music" The D-man's defense when the police found six rufies and a switchblade knife concealed up his ass at the recent Falls Festival.

Women's tennis is the hottest thing i've seen since i snuck into an underground foxy boxing fight. Bliss.

Ibiza is the perect holiday destination cause all the chicks are gaggin for it.

If I could be one person I would be Llyeton Hewitt sick hair, awesome forehand and he's tapping Bec Cartwright. I mean who wouldn't want to be him?

My recent hobby is training johnny come lately's to their first win and their first foray out of the starting gate. I currently train thirty five of them and they are costing me a packet.

"Listen Ed, i don't give a stuff if the young fella is unconcious and currently convulsing, I think that they have to make a decision and get the young  bloke back out there, unconcious or not." Dermie Brereton's insight into a recent Freo-Dogs clash.

"Listen Garry if i could still get out there and crack cunts heads then i would,trust me and between you and me that Barry Hall prick has it coming." Dermie without the knowledge that the cameras were still rolling.

"Sometimes i hate my wife so much i just wanna scream, that's why i'm cheating on the bitch." Dermie in the same ad break, unaware the cameras were rolling.

"In the pre dawn haze of our society a saviour must be appinted and personally i think that the logical choice is me." This was the D-Man's answer when posed a question on leadership. What a wanker.

"Bring it on!" Alicia Molik's fearless declaration to Venus Williams. I can totally dig this quote and hey it came up trumps for her didn't it?

If Amelie Mauresmo isn't the hottest thang on the women's tennis circuit then I'm Steven Seagal, and yes i menat to say thang.

"I dunno but if aliens ever do journey to this planet I'll be first in line for probing", The D-Man's answer when someone asked if he believed there to be other life forms outisde of this earth.

"The way we interact with each other as human beings is compeltely and utterly reliant on sex," The D-mans extremley Freudian take on human interaction.

"I don't think it would be drawing a long bow to say that it was my influence that saw the freedom of Nelson Mandela from prison, in fact I would almost say it was the sole reason he is a free man today." The D-Man's take on a significant world event.

SMARTEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE: Snuck into the MCG at night just to get a seat for the St.Kilda vs Carlton game.
DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE: Told a magistrate that i saw his daughter prostituing herself and that she only cost 6 bucks, thirteen years of hard jail time followed.
SCARIEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE: Tobogganed down Mt.Buller naked and without a toboggan, my nutsack hurt for weeks.
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF MY LIFE: Getting pissed at a wedding and urinating on the priest, unfortunately it was during the nuptials and it was my wedding.
MOST FRUSTRATING MOMENT OF MY LIFE: Being busted down the back of the shelter sheds about to sell 13 grams of cocaine to seven year old. It was a sure thing.

My money woes can be solely put down to the fact that i pay top dollar for condoms at CHIRP.

"I can truly say that i have never wasted a minute of my life, therefore I am possibly the most well rounded individual to walk this planet." God only knows how the D-Man came to this conclusion.

"Evidently the only thing faster then time is how we perceive it and that can go be very quick or very slow." No idead what the D-Man is talking about here

"To say that my genitals are large is a gross injustice, the words 'massive', 'enormous' or 'awe inspiring' whould be closer to the mark", The D-Man at a recent court case.

"The passion inside me is the only thing that truly keeps me going, that and kouta's sixty metre torps" The D-man on what makes him tick, not much apparently.

"Newton's laws of motion to me seem fundamnetally flawed and he was no doubt a complete and utter philistine" The D-man when asked to expalin newton's laws to his physics teacher, unfortunately he was found to have no knowledge of the subject and was thrown out of university physics.  

"The days only get longer and more arduous when you are shovelling shit for a living", the D-Man on his short lived career as a sewerage worker.

Parking tickets are the bane of my life and i must say with some pride that I am yet to pay one of the 267 i have been issued, as far as i am concerned they can suck my wang.

It appears that certain people have been ready to take shots at my work without trying to view them as what they are, pure beauty.

I want to expose a terrible injustice that is going on in this here site, and the injustice is that a certain filthy bitch was allowed to keep her moderators job after the dismissals of the DecMachine and DJ Doof

Allpoetry is a site full of pretentious, over indulged, wankey fucksticks and to say that i am the best of the lot is not only understating my value to the site but is insulitng me by not saying that i am without a shred of doubt the greatest poet of all time.

"I'm not arrogrant at all" Quote the D-Man

"A woman's beauty can only be measured by the times one can masturbate over her" Quote Unknown (though most likely the D-Man)

"If i was to say that mother theresa was a son of a bitch, how would you respond?" My one and only trip to a catholic church.

"My beauty can not be superficially valued," Quote the D-Man

In a time of anti war stances i must say that my recent paper on "Killing pricks and why it's fun" is entirely relevant in todays climate.

My sixth grade ballet teacher told me that i was as talented as a young Barishnikov and my reply was to tell her to shove her ballet as i was not being likened to any Commi bastard. Yes, I was acutely self aware even then.

On a ski trip with my school, all those years ago i was secretly sent home early for masturbating on one of the ski lifts, the teachers told the students that i had syphilis but I now feel the truth needs to be heard.

As Julian Casblancas from the Strokes said in one of their songs "I come together in the middle of the night"

"If you think 249 is the fastest i have ever gone before then you are  dumber then you look" I kind of regret these words as these were the last i spoke before i was sentenced to 6 months prison for reckless driving.

"It's called a joy ride,cockface" this was my eloquent reply to a cop's question regarding why i was nabbed six times over the legal alcohol limit, doing 249 km/h in a 60 zone.

Trying to hijack a plane is fucking hard let me tell you and those cunts wearing the ornage jackets are uncooperative sacks of shit, one of them flat out refused to refuel my plane once i had flown a Qantas Boeing 747 to Hobart from Melbourne.

I don't think it would be shortsighted to say that the only town worth visiting in all of Australia is Coober Pedy. (Just imagine finding an Opal as big as your fist and trying to sneak it through customs, great fun trust me).

Big Shout out to my main man Stevie Seagal.(Don't worry about all those 1 out of 5 star reviews matey just keep doing what you are doing, you've got a fan in me.)

Consider this lineup Jean Claude Van Damme, Arnie, Vin Diesel, Big Stevie Seagal, Wesley Snipes and Dennis Rodman. If any of these tip top blokes has made a bad movie then I'm not aware of it.

I don’t think it would be glorifying my writings to say that they are the best things since sliced bread and David Neitz.

My first sexual experience involved the back seat of my Daewoo, a clown, two German midgets, a 50 year old women and sixteen gallons of lubricant.

“In my personal opinion, Your Honour, I don’t think selling drugs should be illegal especially to 13 year olds. I’m giving them a life experience after all.” These were the last words I spoke to a human for three months as I was put in solitary confinement at Barwon Jail after a “reckless, mortifying, socially inept, sickening lack of remorse” as stated by that fucker of a judge.

If you don’t like my attitude get a ticket and get in line to suck my wang.

I don’t think likening myself to Nelson Mandela would be pretentious so here it goes. I am Nelson Mandela’s equal if not his better.

My nut sack is massive.

“You obviously have a problem”, this was the magistrates ruling after I was arrested for my sixth separate road rage incident. I maintain that every prick driver I have belted deserved it.

“There is nothing better then it swinging in the breeze baby, and you know it” This was my explanation to a female police officer as to why I refused to wear pants to the second test of the Bangladesh- Australia series. I figured no one would be there.

My dream car was my Daewoo Hatchback but I smashed it with a baseball bat after blaming it for my swollen nuts.

My recent exodus from this site was the second most painful experience I have ever endured. The most painful was when I slammed my nuts in the door of my Daewoo Hatchback.

If you believe in yourself you can acheive anything but if you don't have effervescent beauty and sparkling talent then you are nothing, lucky i'm not nothing eh folks?