a crystal tumbler cries
ice tears from melted cubes
tasteless liquid swims
with squirted lemon drops
the cool bitterness
teases my taste buds
artificial flavouring
covers the stings of burnt
truths of naivete
a winnie-the-pooh
night light shines
on a cracked egg shell
wall, the yellow beam
reflects at the blade
of a twinkling star of hope
a blade that could peel
an onion skin layer by layer
a bowl of psychedelic
medication of fruit loops --
mescaline, Demerol
acid, AZT, codeine
hash and barbiturates
a toxicity strong enough
to human combust
i dip my sinew fingertips
into the cereal bowl
tips touch the softness
of the outer skin
of the pills -- soft and hard
the power of smallness
to prolong and hasten death
slowly i begin to experience
pretend
the pills are barbells
up/down, up/down
c'mon five sets of five
change arms
pills disappear
as I sip
the bitter lemon liquid
now warm and weaker
late afternoon light
becomes darkened
shadows dance upon
cracked egg shell walls
i caress the silver blade
slide my fingertips
between the steel
her body cold
like the fuck
i got last night
a flash of fire
stretches across the
summer autumn sky
it's brightness reminds me
of Dante's Inferno
I squeeze my chest against
my knees in silence
stare out the window
intrigued by the fire fingers
hypnotizing my hazel eyes
i start to descend
into my Hell
a train whistle screams
in the background
rusted boxcars bang
against my temples
i feel the heat of the sunset
through my open window
lying upon my winnie-the-pooh
comforter
i chase my dreams
of forgetfulness
the fire dances
upon my naked chest
warms me to a deepness
as I am carried
into another dimension
steel blade winks
the flash of its light
hits my iris
winnie-the-pooh tumbles
from the top of my headboard
lands on my naked chest
his red t-shirt
and bare bottom
tease my infected dream
mock my existence
as i slip
into his black-buttoned eyes
the green house
is full of life
screaming kids
working wife
he came home and alive
hit her once, the very last time
never saw the knife
uncles stole in the night
covered it up with a lie
the house fire was a sight
my eyelids beg to drag open
fire in the sky subsides
orange, yellow, red layers
pump with fury
against my heart
shadows dance
on cracked egg shell walls
i feel the cool blade
tease my skin
as I slide it over my nipple
bring its blade to my lips
a good-bye kiss
to the last friend
who will aid me to leave
this Hellish life
1. Angel Joachim the curtains dance
from the unexpected slap
of the summer autumn wind
stealing into my room
a whispered voice
recognizable from my past
stretches his invisible fingers
to caress my irish hair
a lightening bolt flashes
in my drugged eyes
as the shadow clears
an angel forms
his blond hair freed
from the dried blood
his youthful body
athletic
not a trace of
a mangled crush body
in a two thousand pound sardine can
i am enveloped into
his ethereal presence
rise and reunite
with my boyhood friend
Joachim
we float in space
like we used to dance
in the lake's water
when we were teenagers
my soul sees
my sleeping torso
we drift through
the open window
fly into the summer
autumn fiery wind
we fly over fired landscapes
transported back in time
can feel the joy of coming
closer to the green house
i lived in as a child
walk through the empty rooms
screaming kids
working wife
a knife
a life
no longer alive
i cry
i cry
i cry
had seen the lie
that was covered that night
to save a youthful life
i lay in the darkness
tears formed into
beaded sweat
i gasp for breath
jerk up from a second wind
the bowl of fruit loops
is miles away, on my desk
winnie-the-pooh night light
flickers, dims and flashes dead
i rise like an old man
tied to an anvil
the soreness from the
effects of the drugs
sinks into my bone marrow
shakily i pick up
the Mickey of vodka
grasp its neck
in my fist
fury rises in my veins
boils and seeps
through my rich blood
infecting me
i down a swig
splash vodka on my chest
spit it out laughing at the ludicrousness
of a fire sky
while i kissed a steel cold blade
goodnight
i crawl to my desk
reach up and tip the
fruit loop bowl
pick them off the rug
like lint
shove them in my mouth
open-palmed
swallow
feel them
slide down my throat
like that swollen phallus
massaging my larynx
2. Angel Lucifer lucifer has been visiting
even when i am awake
i show him my agenda
next to my computer
and all the time slots
are filled
have to come back another time
and suck the hell out of my soul
i gasp for breath
tumble backwards onto the bed
float onto the winnie-the-pooh
comforter
like when i made
virgin snow angels
only to watch him
purposely yellow them
every opportunity to
whip out his manhood
an extension of his masculinity
a weenie of a thing
that still pained a life
with a small prick
my chest caves in
crushing from the heaves
being tossed from the
gutturals of my throat
a sense of weight
presses on my torso cavity
i squint through my
drugged red eyes
roadbed of stripes
of lines that Dracula would
love to sink his teeth into
music of chains
rustle in my brain
the heaviness of pain
crushes upon my heart
i start to slip
into the dark abyss
of my soul
pass through tunnels
where cobras with
mustard eyes
prepare their hoods
to strike
the blackness is
like fountain ink
spilled on ivory skin
the holy abyss
is bottomless
something snags me
in mid-air
a vortex spins
me into a swirl
hands are laid upon my body
fingernails as long as spikes
punch through my skin
and grab my ribs
i snake through
peripheral visions
of last night's entourage
with a pink haired hustler
the visions sweep away
into a funnelled hole
replaced with me
lying upon my bed
he sneaks into my room
a ray of light splashes onto
the wooden flow
hits the cracked egg shell wall
his hand slips
between my winnie-the-pooh
pyjamas top
lies upon my youthful chest
tracing fingertips gingerly
flicker over my nipples
a refusal to listen
my soft nipple reacts
to my body's ions
it rises
a small peak of
a mountain
on a growing youth
my baby boyhood penis
responds, expands
between my flannel
the softness of the material
kisses my soft skin
it stretches to greet
my belly button
his huge hands slide
palm wet from saliva
massages me
our liquids mix
i experience my first
boyish jism
white as a cow's
separated cream
his long fingers
tickles beneath my thighs
as he touches me there
i grimace in pain
as my hummus breaks
never to be returned
i cry
i cry
i cry
my eyes tightly shut
he tries to kiss
my hairless soft cheek
sneaks back into the hallway
had the gall
never even to say
good night
screaming kids
working wife
a knife
a life
no longer alive
had seen the lie
that was covered that night
to save a youthful life
3. Angel Claude To my adopted brother, 1995:
I saw your soul when we unmasked
one another as best friends.
i gasp for air
losing my voice
the ethereal dark cloud
carries me through
the volcanic veins
of my soul
a semi-truck headlight
blinds me
we float through
the work I accomplished
float in this space
as i watch myself
work behind desk in suits
sit in university classroom
march in the rain against the war
i float in this space
allow the images
to float and hover
beside me
a reflection of my inner
charisma
he reaches to me
a hand extending
from a snow white cloth
embodied around
the edges in gold
the light shines
like an eclipse
the heaviness on my chest
lifts into the heavenly air
i see myself
as a writer
poet
artiest
student
activist
caregiver
humanist
his face appeared
a trimmed beard
Claude
i whispered in my head
or voices spoke
for me
he drew me into
his sea green eyes
like Passion
his snow white hair
shone with innocence
my mentor
my boss
my teacher
my tutor
my best friend
my adopted brother
the ethereal light
floated from his fingertips
snaked its way
hit me in the core
of my heart
zapped me like a rattlesnake
piercing its fangs into my thighs
i jolted in confusion
let out a howl
felt the sweat pour
down my cheeks
as tears flowed
through my ducts
flooded my heart
attempts to put
out my fire
i groggily rise
watch the ink black
tunnel funnel its way
toward the fiery sky
i want to fly
reach for the
coldness of the blade
see my reflection
in the mirror
i stagger towards it
watch the blade
kiss my adam's apple
shiver at the coldness
tingling on my soft skin
i seep into the reflection
of my irises within the mirror
dive in towards the reflection
of the setting sun
surrounded by the hazel
pupils
i fly inwards
scream as i feel
the heat shoot from
my body...my soul splitting
from my temple of skin
melting and falling
into the ashes of Phoenix
jolted fire rods
shaped like lightening
strike the cold earth
i cry
i cry
i cry
screaming kids
working wife
a knife
a life
no longer alive
had seen the lie
that was covered that night
to save a youthful life
4. Angel Kenneth To my sibling, 1997:
I saw your soul
when you came to me
in my dreams, and felt your
warm kiss upon my cheek.
"Love you bro, I'll be joining you one day
and we can reconnect.
a lane of light
hails towards the gate
i straighten my back
float upon the white
ski clouds
i hear
ethereal music
of Judy garland
in the back of my mind
feel free as my
body rejuvenates
i am free
of this virus
free of the temple
i was living in
the music sneaks up
climbs upon my back
envelopes me into a blanket
of warmth
soothing my heart
chilling my skin
sneaks into my ears
forces me to halt
the light at the gates
dim like my winnie-the-pooh
night light
at Heaven's gates
the music pounds
screeching train whistles
rusty box cars
silence of creeping floor boards
under a moonlight
it calls to me
beckons for me to dance
upon the white snow clouds
to turn around
like Lot's wife
at Sodom and Gomorrah
i am tempted
turn around in a spin
see my brother again
arms reaching out
for me to fall in
and be surrounded by love
like at grandma's house
when we needed to escape
i float towards him
glide in a slow motion
savouring in the essence
of being able to feel him again
he holds me in his arms
hugs me while i sob
he gently pulls me apart
draws my hand to his heart
and sucks me in
i yelled at the burning
upon my fingertips
scream like the walking ghosts
of the Holocaust
light fills my soul
and then I collapse
when i awoke
all i could remember
was a voice whispering
i am free
of this virus
free of the temple
i was living in
i am free to fly
with my soul
i cry
i cry
i cry
had witnessed the lie
that was covered that night
to save a youthful life;
I am still alive.
Gold trophy winner
Silver trophy winner
Adding your comment:
friend 
Joan
friend your will to live is simply amazing, others would've given up long ago, you are my special friend, always will be. I will be back to read this again and again to see the courage you have shown us to go on and not give up, for that I thank you. 
and much love~Desire
I'm off to indulge myself in your words yet again... See you there 
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in the contest. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO WIN. has looked in her crystal ball to declare it 
