trapped here in my mind
surroundings non-existent
grey goes on and on
nothing is black
nothing is white
surrounded in my insanity
mind screaming primordial
no feelings
no sensation
touching nothing
nothing touching me
fear surrounding me
trapped in grey mist
forever
Author notes
No this is not about me or anyone I know.
Written April 28th, 2006
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Amythest .. thank you for the response .. your poem isn't anywhere near as difficult to read as some of the others that I had entered, because some had thought flows going all over the place and capitalized each line, so I got distracted .. after reading this a few times slowly, I would only consider adding a comma here and there where you do wish the reader to pause .. but it isn't necessary of course .. just a suggestion .. same as the imagery suggestion, don't change it unless you're not happy yourself with the write, because again, I don't like to impose ideas on people, but I would apply it and be more aware of it with future writes
.. I'm really glad that you didn't find my critique too unwelcome .. thank you for replying hun .. and best of luck to you in the contest 
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Merry meet antique,
Thank you for reading and critiquing my poem. I was going for a stream of conscienceness (sp) in this, but in re-reading the poem, I will consider placing some comma's in. Sometimes it's hard when you know what you mean, then thinking that you've gotten it across to others. In regards to adding some unique metaphors or more descriptive language...that too I will consider.
I don't mind constructive critiquing of my poetry, because that let's me know if I've managed to convey what I want to the reader.
Amythest -
Amythest Moonjade
thank you for entering my contest .. it is appreciated ..
firstly .. I am going to say that this was a difficult piece to read, because there were no prompts as to where I was supposed to pause .. I'm a punctuation minimalist myself, and only add commas where needed, you may want to do that with this piece, just to direct readers as to where they should pause .. or even just capitalize the lines that begin new thoughts
I also think that you were a little light on imagery, perhaps because your descriptions were a little too simplistic .. your write could really benefit from the use of some unique metaphor or descriptive language, just to create a picture in the readers mind .. it would make it just that little more potent or powerful .. and would be more enjoyable for the reader ..
but overall, this is a great write .. and with a little tinkering here and there could be absolutely stunning ..
I hope you don't find the comment too unwelcome .. it is just a personal opinion afterall
thanks so much for entering and I wish you the best of luck in the contest
~antique -
Oh wow! I really like the emotion in this piece. It's simple, short, but it does not at all lack expression or feeling. I like it... a lot.
Ev -
very interesting...
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Merry meet Nyouya,
thank you for your applause and for reading my poetry.
Amythest -
Merry meeet Cryingintherain,
Thank you for your applause and vote of confidence.
Amythest -
Merry meet IamMEg,
thank you for your kind words and for reading my poetry. Thank you also for the applause.
Amythest -
Nicely written...It was awesome...
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well done
This is fine. The flow and tone are done well. -
Merry meet blondone,
thank you for the kind remarks and for the applause.
Amythest -
This is a powerful poem and it shows the point...without completely saying it. good luck on the contest!
Kat -
trapped here in my mind this is a powerful line to start this powerful write off with real show of poetry talent love this one !!! Good luck in this contest...
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EXCELLENT
In so few words you have captured the darkness, the desparation of that place to which many fall and linger - -
OHHH isnt that a good piece
very nicely wrote !!
i loved it very much
all the best
gd luck
millie -
Merry meet Recluse Writer,
Thank you for your kind comments. I didn't mean to to.
No, I just seem to be writting more dark poems here and there. It must be because I'm still in a cast 5 months after surgery on my foot. Thank you again for reading my poem and for the kind applause.
Amythest
Edited on Apr 29, 4:46 because 'spelling'. -
personally gripping
Hello Amythest Moonjade: Were you looking inside my door? I knew if I opened it a little someone would peek in and see what is there. Really liked this one. Look forward to reading more like that. Recluse Writer
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