Opening prayer at the start of the ceremony
(The audience should stand and bow their heads.)
Grant greater understanding
Acceptance and compassion
Less angry condemnation
Of life greater remembrance
Of death greater forgivenance
Fewer tragic suicides
Title of the song
“To Die or not to Die”
The question not if but when
Chorus (in unison)
Eventual relapse essence essential
Concatenation of recent events
Descent tow’rds madness relenting perhaps
Perambulation Glory or Horror
Storied ascension worried descension
Into the Abyss by kiss I’m betrayed
1st Solo (Alienist)
Combobulation collapse I’m afraid
Now stagnant desire in Ragnarok’s womb
A tomb this Eden my entrails I feed
Hel’s bells are ringing the horror prevails
Sacrament manna Grapes of wrath wrung out
Glory Hosanna God’s singing unsung
2nd Solo (Atheist)
Hell’s path no escape Heaven’s jaws gape shut
A pause in the feast but want never ceased
Made unleavened bread from ashes of bones
By kiss I’m betrayed Abyss I am fed
Gaunt death this gnashing teeth breathless I breath
Christ’s blood won’t atone his food will suffice
3rd Solo (Copraphagist)
by fiery blade decency bleeding
indecent attire my moral dismay
the muck and the mire of mental decay
regurgitation synapse quits firing
Oral tits sucking drowning in morass
Regal ass fucking Fecal shit drowning
The Baritone and Tenor Ensembles take place at the same time.
Not in harmony but in Baroque counterpoint
Baritone ensemble (diabolist)
Existing descendents their madness descending
So frantic’ly breeding yet gladness resenting
To interrupt – folly – their present dissention
Nascent instincts delight corruptions’ fruition
Might vanquish the glory the glory extinguish
Hope misery prolongs Grope horror in longing
Tenor ensemble (romantic-realist)
Ascendants resisting its madness ascending
As Stoics receding the sadness fermenting
Abrupt melancholy despite intuition
Prescient not preventing Sanity’s consumption
Postponing “The horror!” “the horror!” the anguish
They relinquish despair prepare for the glory
Verse 1 (In Unison)
Against eventual collapse perhaps I struggle in vain
Although I strain to prevent my descent into madness
I stared at the horror too long despair my intimate friend
Descendants assured victors yet ascendants aren’t victims
While the Kurtzian horror consumes all of the glory
Final escape suicide ensuring horror contained
Closing remarks by the conductor (survivalist)
Suicide is an option
Ultimate final escape
"Fight the dying of the light"
Begs the question what is light
If light is sanity's source
If light goes out, all is black
Then having fought the good fight
Suicide then rational
Ethical, merciful death
No cowardly conviction
Peace and rest life's best rewards
Suicide offers me hope
When all light is truly dead
Suicide brings dignity
Those suicides that occur
When other better options
Might bring release, end to pain
Tragic death so premature
Those left behind never know
Was it suicide victim?
Or a suicide victor?
But still it shouldn't matter
Death should not define a life
Our lives should be remembered
To those dead te salutant
I won't condemn nor cast stones
I ache for tragic'ly dead
Infinite reasons to live
Infinite reasons to die
But still all life is precious
Concert dedicated to all those I have hurt in life who wish they could cure mental disease and who are powerless to bring relief.
If I ever take
That last fateful leap
Into the unknown
Sorry for your pain
I know my death hurts
If my light is out
I would choose to search
In death if I must
Suicide only
Final last option
The following are instructions to be read by any of the choir members who are involved in the solo sections and ensembles.
The musical portion which has meters of two segments of 5 beats combined in a line or two segments of 6 beats combined in a line is meant to be either as a whole of 10 or 12 beats or as separate poems of 5 and 6 beats that are read at the same time. Since voices in your head do not wait their turn before speaking, the inherent confusion of some types of mental illness is difficult to understand and even more difficult to capture in a poem without simply typing nonsense. So to best express this confusion first read the music solos and ensembles as ten or 12 beat lines whole and un-fractured.
For example, the first solo would be read as
Combobulation collapse I’m afraid
Now stagnant desire in Ragnarok’s womb
A tomb this Eden my entrails I feed
Hel’s bells are ringing the horror prevails
Sacrament manna Grapes of wrath wrung out
Glory Hosanna God’s singing unsung
Next, read each solo and ensemble as two separate poems of 5 or 6 beats. (fractured poems competing for attention both screaming at the same time)
For example,
Part 1
Combobulation
Now stagnant desire
A tomb this Eden
Hel’s bells are ringing
Sacrament manna
Glory hosanna
Part 2
Collapse I’m afraid
In Ragnorak’s tomb
My entrails I feed
the horror prevails
Grapes of wrath wrung out
God’s singing unsung
Finally, attempt to read the solos and ensembles as both whole and fractured poems as well as neither whole nor fractured poems at the same time. Trying to capture meaning in random chaos and trying to escape meaning in stark order; I have no other way of trying to explain delusions. A feverish nightmare that is so terrifying but vanishes upon waking is the closest thing I can think of for those who have not experienced this type of delusion. Nor do I claim all delusions are the same or experienced similarly. This is my poor attempt to express my own mental illness. Some people claim that some drug hallucinations are similar. I do not know as my experiences with drugs have never been similar. However, I figure reading a poem is a better way to experience the unknown then purposely having a bad trip.
Anyway I hope I was successful at portraying my experiences. The rest of the poem shifts gears and is written in a singular voice, sometimes advocating sometimes opposing suicide. This is because part of me wishes to end my life to end the pain and accept the voices arguments to go out with a bang; a smaller part does not wish to inflict any more pain on my family and friends and I struggle to find reasons why suicide is not my only choice. I have no clue if I meet either objective I gave myself; to create a work of art and to capture the experience faithfully. I myself can not judge since my experience is part and parcel of the poem and I can not tell where my life and poem mingle, where one ends and the other begins. Thanks for reading.
PS Thanks to Dylan, Joseph, Friedrich, and William for their direct or indirect contributions
Author notes
Commented on Etched
I am special
This is an attempt to capture the sense of schizophrenic delusions and the struggle to fight suicidal ideations. It is autobiographical fiction. I attempted to be true to my experiences as well as to achieve a certain style of poetry. Most likely I failed in both attempts. The poem was extremely difficult to write emotionally. The following lines in the poem are contained in instructions I have given to one of my friends to deliver at my funeral to my family and other friends in case I ever take my life.
"If I ever take
That last fateful leap
Into the unknown
Sorry for your pain
I know my death hurts
If my light is out
I would choose to search
In death if I must
Suicide only
Final last option"
Yes I know the pain that suicide causes family and friends. I am familiar with that pain, and I realize that I am not the only one that suffers. I do not consider my pain unique or special. But I am aware of my own limits and realize that my determination to survive is not sufficient to guarantee I will not take the plunge when the lights are extinguished. To those familiar with Nietzsche's comment "if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger," be aware of the corollary to this quote. If an experience doesn't make you stronger it ultimately kills you. Or to make it even more clear if the event doesn’t make you stronger it makes you weaker, if it makes you weaker it kills you later if not sooner.
Before you try and finds flaws with the idea be aware that logically that is the result of Nietzsche's statement. You might disagree with this corollary but you must throw out the original statement as false in order to logically deny this premise. To illustrate why this premise is both logically and rationally correct think of the following: (realizing that of course some other event may kill you before the event that makes you weaker takes place) If something saps your strength continually it will eventually weaken you to the point where death is inevitable not necessarily due to the primary stressor but due to the complications of secondary stressors which will prove fatal in the individual’s weakened condition. I do not believe that all mental illness strengthens people. For me it has only made me infinitely weary. Thus my projected prediction is that at some point my mental illness will eventually catch up with me and prove fatal most likely suicide.
Written June 21st, 2005
A contest entry
- Different. by skitza.
500 points, ended July 10, 2005, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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In reply to naughtygrlred
hmm I had planned to write a critique and counter-argument of my own conclusion about suicide being ethical today but didn't have time I will do that another day I guess. As with most of the great debatable topics that deal with the value of life there is probably no correct answer and I see the wisdom often times in both sides of the argument. -
my father commited suicide, his birthday is tomorrow... i on the other hand could never do that...
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As someone who has stared suicide in the face until it has become a personal friend who has “stared in the abyss and has had the abyss stare back.” (Nietzsche paraphrased) I worry that sometimes people might misinterpret my comments as being pro-suicide. I feel that if people were less judgmental and less condemning about suicide, it would be used as it should be intended as a last and final escape when no other avenue exists to find release of pain; not suicide but dignified death.
After talking with many psychiatrists I have never had one who disagreed with my opinion that suicide can be courageous, ethical and rational and is ultimately a personal decision some people must grapple with not as an intellectual exercise but as their all consuming purpose in life. Unfortunately the word suicide is so pejorative in its connotation that the word taints the beautiful lives of all those who choose dignity for their lives, and find release in death. I do not claim that suicide is never tragic and never senseless. In fact it is always tragic, but not always senseless.
It is true that the person who commits suicide might have been able to find alternative solutions. Yet as ignorant bystanders how can we claim to know what any other person is going through. No matter how intimate a friend or family, no matter how often that friend or loved one has successfully fought off suicide in the past as bystanders we just don't know what causes a person to choose death over life. However, more important than asking why someone chose suicide we should ask ourselves why we choose life. We should spend less time hating ourselves and feeling guilty or even worse hating the person who committed suicide. Remember their life, take more joy and gratitude in your own, be more kind to those around you. These are the messages I reflect on when a friend of mine decides to take their life.
Ultimately suicide is not always a selfish decision nor is it always a cowardly decision. Sometimes the selfishness and cowardice belongs to friends and family who desire a loved one to suffer in life without finding relief in death just to prolong their own happiness or sense of well being; just to enjoy the suffering person’s presence; or perhaps just to avoid feeling guilt over the suffering person’s death. Yes I do realize that people sometimes kill themselves to make others hurt. Realize that they were also in pain and be merciful in giving forgivenance, not only to the person who committed suicide but to oneself. Of course there are as many reasons to die as there are reasons to die so it is impossible to make generalizations about why someone decides to take their own life. Regardless of the whys I hope those who have passed on have found release.
To me the concept that suicide victims will burn in Hell is one of the most disgusting and cruel beliefs accepted by so many. It only makes the pain of the person considering suicide worse and prevents society from talking about the issue and giving sufferers more options of hope. To those whom suicide offers solace in the possibility of relief, they will understand what the promise of dignified death can do to help you cope with horrible pain. Socially acceptable suicide in my opinion would act as a deterrent to taking this ultimate solution. People would be able to be free to debate and search the merits of suicide in relation to other possibilities. Perhaps other less drastic solutions would be made available, or perhaps they would have a greater sense of control and a reduction in pain if they felt they could control not the extent of the suffering but the time constraints of that suffering. Do the following exercise, tell someone to hold a weight for a set period of time that is very difficult but possible, then compare that with telling a person to hold a weight until you get tired. Often even telling a person to hold a weight until they get tired will cause them to tire more quickly. It is easier to cope with pain if you know that you only have to worry about the next five days at which time you can evaluate your options again ad infinitm.
Most importantly, I really hope people in the world find greater understanding, compassion, and acceptance. I hope for fewer suicides, but I respect the choice of the individual and find courage and beauty in a life hard fought until the light has expired. Life is the most precious thing we have. Suicide does not negate this. Most people will accept that the ultimate sacrifice a person can make is to give your life for another. A person who risks life and limb knowingly facing death to save another is considered a hero. Is it because the decision to give up ones life for another is so much easier for our minds to grasp than suicide? Just because you can’t understand someone else’s reasons does not make those reasons invalid or incorrect. To those who insist that “light” can always be turned back on in this life time, who insist that regardless of the dire situation a solution is always available, I will grant that indeed hope is eternal. That does not persuade me that suicide is unethical. Rather it reinforces my belief. To paraphrase Nietzsche and perhaps destroy the integrity of his phrase I state that hope is one of the cruelest torments to individuals contemplating suicide because it prolongs their suffering. It is my opinion that for some individuals the light will never return and the only choice they have is to embrace the unknown and hope that perhaps they might find peace and rest someplace else.
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