MonCherieLoserMoi• Show poetry

*UPDATED:11/29/05*

Well as you probably already know my name is Amanda. I’m 15 years of age, born on August 19th, 1990 to Kimberly and Terry. I have an older brother, Benjamen, aged 17 years. I live in a fairly small town. I’m talking rural but not like extremely rural. Most of the population comes from German or Polish heritage. In my case I have both. I’m ¾ German (1/2 from my mom’s side and a ¼ from my dad’s mom’s side) and ¼ Polish (obviously from my dad’s dad’s side)

My grandpa died when I was just a baby and my grandma died before I was born. So the only grandparents I really knew were my mom’s parents. We used to live up there on their property but after my grandpa died my dad inherited the house so we moved down here, and here I’ve remained. My dad wasn’t allowed pets when he was little so he practically got a farm. Ha-ha. We had chickens, turkeys, pheasants, a rabbit (Peanut), two ducks (Checkers and Cinderella), two cats (Sabrina and Purple Popsicle), and three dogs (Baby, Tawnya and Cherry). The only birds I liked were the ducks; they were such a cute couple. Peanut got out of his pen somehow and ran away, Sabrina got into the ducks’ pen and she got trampled by Cinderella. Purple Popsicle, being a black cat, got run over by a car. Cinderella got sick and died. Checkers got depressed so we set him free and he seemed happier. Baby got impregnated by our neighbors’ black lab, Duke, and had two cute little puppies, Rosie and Allie. You might as well know that the birds didn’t last very long, my mom got tired of being flogged and them killing each other so my Uncle Andy took care of it, but that happens later. And that’s when you’ll find out the fate of the dogs.

When I was 3 or 4, my brother and I were both hospitalized with RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) I don’t remember all that much about it, but I remember the cage like bed they put me in and the doctor giving me the nickname Manda Panda. I also remember my dad bringing us gifts; I got a care-bear, a care-bear book, and an Etch a Sketch. And who could forget the horrible hospital food. I was moved to a regular bed like my brother’s ha-ha, but they let him go home and I had to stay because they were concerned because I wasn’t eating but that wasn’t because I was sick it was the food. About the only thing I would eat was the Jell-o, but I stuck it out because I wanted to go home. Ah, and then when I was 4 I got a bead stuck in my ear, don’t ask me how, because I don’t know. Ha-ha. So I had to go to the hospital to have surgery. I remember the anesthesiologist being cute ha-ha, but that’s about it.

December 27th, 1995, I got a lesson in mortality. My dad was on his way to the unemployment office (working for my uncle’s tree trimming business he was basically unemployed during the winter) when he was hit by a coal truck on the driver’s side. They said he died instantly, so even if help would have gotten there sooner it wouldn’t have mattered. I remember our neighbor Mrs. Rose coming over with someone from the coroner’s office, and she took my brother and me in his bedroom while the guy talked with my mom. I can’t remember if she’s the one who told us he was dead or what, but I remember crying with her and my brother, and when I couldn’t cry anymore I felt bad. Everyone else was crying more than me and I felt horrible about it, but I realize now that I’m just not the ‘chronic’ crying type. After my dad passed away things were very difficult around here, my mother was then faced with trying to find a way to provide for us, and yet she still had time for us and I think that’s what we really needed. I think what got us through it the most is that we all stuck together. As you can imagine money got tight, even tighter than what it was before. Eventually my mom had to make a tough choice and we had to get rid of all but one dog. It was just too much to feed us and all of them. So we ended up keeping Tawnya, because she was my dad’s dog. Sadly not long after that while we were away Tawnya got hit by a car. When we came back we couldn’t find her, she had crawled under the shed, we took her to the animal hospital but they weren’t open and while my mom was finding that out, I was watching Tawnya breathe and then it just stopped. I had literally just watched my dog die and I couldn’t do anything to help her.

In July of ’96 we went down to North Carolina with my Aunt Kathy, her boyfriend George, my Aunt Tracy, Uncle Randy, and my cousins Cody, Brittany, Sandy and her husband Len to visit my Aunt Donna and Uncle Raphael. It was the first time I remember being out of state. Anyway, it was a pretty great vacation. I got to ride a pony, of which I was terrified of falling off of. Ha-ha. My hands were too small to hold on, so my uncle had to hold me up. Ha-ha. We went to this cool center where they had different stations set up, like a grocery store, doctor’s office, fire house, etc. etc. I visited a military museum which was way cool and I went to an air show.

When I was 6 or 7, I started taking ballet classes. I didn’t really like it, because for one, no one was really nice to me and I found it to be a little boring, so I started taking Tae Kwan Do with my brother instead. I actually have an orange belt in Tae Kwan Do, so don’t mess with me. Ha-ha. It was fun but eventually we had to quit because it was getting costly.

My mom had a few boyfriends here and there, but in 1997 she met the man who would eventually become my step-father, Matthew. They met over the internet actually so you can’t tell me that don’t work. Ha-ha. They got married in June of 1998, my brother and I kept our father’s name, which occasionally can be a little annoying to explain to some people. My step-dad has epilepsy and cerebral palsy. He doesn’t let either stop him from doing anything. On several occasions he’s had an epileptic seizure and I don’t think I’ll ever ‘get used’ to it. Things like that scare me because I have no control over them. He is withdrawn and bottles practically everything up. He has a bit of temper but doesn’t do anything but yell. And when he’s yelling at you, he drags it out restating things over and over again. At times it can be very difficult and I can get very worked up about it but have pretty much learned to deal with it. My mom is a much quieter person. She’s pretty lenient. We’re a lot alike actually. She’s one of my best friends, even though sometimes I don’t think I can talk to her about some things or feel left out or alone.

I went to public school until 2000. My last grade was 4th. So I’ve been homeschooled for almost 6 years now. Sometimes I wish I was still in school because when I was I had friends. I get quite lonely often and when I hear other people talking about their friends it’s like ‘I used to have that.’ But I’ll deal.

Around 2002 I began getting really depressed and this continued until about 2004. Suicidal thoughts were just a daily routine. I found an escape through rock music and writing. Plus I had quite a few friends I had met through GreatestJournal, who helped me out quite a bit.

Things were going okay until March of 2005 when my step-dad’s dad who I considered my own grandfather died of cancer. I had already been distancing myself from God but this about put me over the edge. I absolutely hate funerals. Another loss came in May of the same year. I had to have my dog Buddy euthanized. His epilepsy was getting worse and worse and he took more and more seizures and it was just all too much. He was like my best friend and I miss him a lot.

Since then, I have gotten a little bit closer back to God. I still don’t understand a lot of things, but I think I need Him because things are a little better knowing that He’s there. Even though it seems sometimes that He’s not.

I still struggle with depression and suicide but it’s a lot less frequent and persistent now. A lot of it has to do with me not liking the person that I am and I think that if I could see myself the way other people see me that things would be a lot better, but I think that there’s too much pain and darkness for me to get to that point right now. Anyways, this is my biography, a closer glimpse at events of my life and hopefully you’ve learned something.


Anywho, most of what I write comes from my heart. You can critique it saying something's forced or should be changed but I'm not going to change it, because I'd feel as if I didn't actually write it or it didn't really come from me. So.. there ya go. I gave you a book. haha

Bands I Really Love: breaking benjamin, chevelle
Bands I Just Love: 3 Doors Down, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, sum 41, three days grace, snow patrol, new found glory, sugarcult, maroon 5, dashboard confessional, the eagles, journey

Movies I Really Love: LOTR trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, practically anything with Tom Hanks in it, Shrek, Shrek 2, Spiderman
Movies I Just Love: A Christmas Story, Austin Powers movies, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Musketeer, The Man in the Iron Mask, Star Wars, Love Actually, In Good Company, The Rookie, Friday Night Lights, The Longest Yard, Remember the Titans, The Replacements, Miracle, and practically any sports movie, Dodgeball, Duplex, Along Came Polly, Spiderman 2, Kiss of the Dragon, Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights.

and yeah there is probably more but I can't think of them at the moment.

I won I won I won something lol. I'm REALLY proud of my second place with this poem.
allpoetry.com/Poem/1456873