Long Road Home• Show poetry

The mysterious tomb of the Unknown User: Shhhh...

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The longest-running contest ever held on AP 8/31/2006 - 5/29/2007 R.I.P.: Tempus Fugit

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The someday biggest damn group on all of AP: A Great Big Group of...

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NEW! - MY AP FAMILY:

Well, I don't have a traditional AP family as I am just a concrete Garden Gnome. However, I am available to be in your ap family and dream of one day being the most popular and beloved garden gnome on all of AP. If you want me to stand guard o'er your shrubbery, just let me know and I'll add you to my family

I am currently standing in the gardens of

nova4eva
earthstar
Mistressofthedark
Irish Holly (at least until she changes her name. again...)
Analexii
Mainstream Memories
ItalianGurrl
Shattered Logic
LittleAnn
lexie like woah
Faithful-Star

If you don't understand how important it is to have a garden gnome in your AP family, then you should read this: http://allpoetry.com/poem/1718474

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Did you know, you can skip all the self-indulgent blathering below
and go directly to my author info and poems?
Yup... click the "Show Poetry" Link above...

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On the other hand, if you have time on your hands and just want to kill it till it's dead, read on...

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******************* My all-time favorite comment *******************

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I would have given you a trophy, but kevin seems hung up on having only three places. Personally, I think there should be twelve places and they should progress from first like this: Gold, Silver, Bronze, teak, maple, pine, rock, stick, scissors, dirt, styrofoam, shit.


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Don't you agree??


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Oh yes... and he should let us give out unlimited "shit" trophies.

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************************* End comment *******************************

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Anyhooooo... I got tired of having nothing at the top of my author page while everyone else is displaying pages and pages of witty praises and acrostics about themselves written by their adoring fans. So here's my tribute to my own fans' (all three of them) tributes to me:

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I've met so many wonderful and caring people here on AP that I feel I must write cliche's about them...

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Yeah... and although the idea of finding genuine friendship in an online environment is a bit weird to me, I simply cannot deny the friendship shown by many here. Below are some of the wonderful and often personally touching things people have said about me and/or my poetry and contests during my few years here (please note that I've left the spelig and gramer pretty much original as I'm a slave to authenticity):


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First of all, there're the people who just love me for who I am:

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"YOu are a freak. There is really no other word for it."
"you are an odd duck...."
"Your a lawyer, aren't you?"
"You are so goofy!"
"you are indeed "an odd duck"...."
"Oh, wow... you're a hater... Where does all this crap come from "
"you are quackers m8, and i love it"
"You are a loony Bufflehead!"
"You are such a goof! But you know that."
"Go paint the bedroom, you freak!! "
"Why do I read your stuff????"


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People who think I'm an alcohol and drug abuser:

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"Are you SURE you're not on drugs? Only the ones prescribed to you? Bumblebees and bird shit, too? Bloody Quacker."
"Vodka will do that...Good Write! "
"You don't abuse acid do you?"
"how many days DID you go without sleep and only eating acid???? "
"You on some weird trip right now where all you can write is cool short poetry, or did your pencil snap"
"Reading this I can see how dangerous moxie can be"
"Must be the acid! lol It is so sad when one does not find pleasure in the poetry of cows."

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Alcohol and drug abusers who felt compelled to compliment me:

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"dude. Yer steppin on my buzz"
"A tuning fork is certainly a strange thing..."
"hmmmmm?.....(gazes at screen with strange whirly bits spinning in eyes)"
"There is a lot of vagueness here, "they" and "working", and the generality of "thoughts". In the end, I'm lost in a fog."
"i like cows. in real life only the white ones with black patchs but on burgers any coloy will do"

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...or offer me advice:

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"Whatever you do... Steer clear of amphetemines they'll ruin your simplistic perspective."


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People who would rather I spent more time at work:

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"Ok you have way too much free time on your hands "
"LongRoadHome, you most definately have too much time on your hands..Dat's fo sho!!...."
"wow....interesting....do you have alot of time on your hands??? "
"I wonder about you sometimes. I think you get just a bit too much solitude and fresh air. "
"lol, someone needs a better hobby! "


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People who would rather I spend less time at work:

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"you need to work less"
"Bad day at work? "
"A very interesting this to write about, I never would have though such a thing. Let me guess, you work at radio shack."


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People who simply hang on my every word:

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"That's amazingly bad "
"To truly appreciate this, you need to......um, um.......................... um, um, ............................... um er, er, logout."
"I think I need to go shower now, and wash the smell of bad poetry from my body. "
"Very funny. But you can stuff doughnuts where the monkeys keep their own nuts"
"flowers are for fags. "
".......by the way you stink "
"The vowel movement has improved upon this piece. I don't feel so much like retching anymore."
"Oh so that is what crappy forced rhyme is supposed to look like... "
"Phew Weeee! What a stinky little ditty "
"this is truly awful."
"Turned me off..."
"This sucked! "


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People who were left *nearly* speechless:

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"Jerk! "
"gay"
"*gasp*"

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People who wish they were me:

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"wow. wish i had written that."
"Man! I gotta find some way to get paid while doing this shit. this is great! and deviant."

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People who think I'm illiterate:

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"OMG ROTHFL!!!!As I was reading this I was thinking I will have to disqualify this poem for misspelled words!"
"I meant to ask you before and I keep forgetting, do you just throw words up in the air and see where they land?"
"did you run out of words on the fridge?"
"Geez LRH, this is horrendous, don't you believe in punctuation? "
"i rarely have the opportunity to use the word "retarded" in a sentence."
"I had to put a call in for a hillbilly ebonic translater."
"OMG! LOL! It must have taken so long to actually TRY to mispell all thise words."
"I credit you with being the first to include bad old english, too."
"........and I thought phonics had reached everyone by this day and age. "

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People who are illiterate and think I'm God:

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"OMG! Dis got me soooo emo I was unabel to rite fer ayges n ayges"
"wat can i say but LMAO "
"w ow dood i didnt no ther ws sch gud pietry owt ther gud luk "

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People who are illiterate but wish they were literate so they could properly insult me:

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"My brane hurtz aftur reeding thiz poeme."


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People who confuse me with THE LAW:

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"i am accident and ticket free for over 6 years, because I either leave the scene or they just can't catch up to me ... HAR ... take that, coppers ..."



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Normal people who think I'm crazy:

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"Crazy shit."
"This is insane."
"um...well, maybe just a tad bit crazy."
"Wow, you have some reall insane imagery"
"without question this would prove to anyone that you're just an escapee from Bellevue Hospital's Psychiatric ward"
"LRH, do you have a good pyschoanalyst? I can give you the name of one...."
"Oh, and btw, this is really a sign of a sick mind."
"You're obviously psychotic....swinging from "innocent" to "ed-wardian" in a single week. Get help."
"i like your use o words to make a crazy poem i like it."
"I'm sitting here reading this and the entire time going 'Wow, this person must be insane.'"


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Crazy people who think I'm crazy:

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"AHHHHHHHHHHH you're crazyer then meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, "
"where's all the NORMAL people wahahahahahahahahahaha "


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People who think I'm royalty:

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"you should be crowned the "King of Crap" poetry..."


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People who think I'm self-destructive:

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"Did it hurt to write this? "
"Are you feeling ok? "



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People who are perfectly comfortable contradicting themselves:

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"Oh my god. This was HORRID. Absolutely horrid! And yet, I find myself strangely enamored of it."
"This is... oddly humorous "
"Weird and F-ed up...and strangely titilating too! "
"Yes, it was cheezy, but at the very same time so true."
"Well this was semi odd but still in good taste!"
"The cheapness of it was what made it so funny! "
"It's over the top ridiculous, but that's really what makes it work so well. And your piss-poor rhyming worked well, too. The bit about the Hubble was awesome... who in the world would rhyme Hubble telescope with Barney Rubble? Pure genius."
"Its a starnge point to make but extremly valid now i think about it."
"It's random, yes, perhaps, maybe, but..."
"That is the single best worst poem I have ever read.... "
"...it was too confusing. but, i still liked it in a weird way"


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Then there are those who are just generally confused:

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"I got a question are you really a hundred years old?"
"very interesting poem. i'm not quite sure what it means"
"what the fuck man...oh...I get it. Wierdo...smart Idea... "
"ah, this idea is a little strange to me."
"how about another "wtf" for your collection? "
"Well, I'm not so sure what to say."
"This is more confusing than anything on earth..."
"I had no Idea where you were going with this. "
"I dont actually understand what this is about... "
"I'm not sure if this is about sex, a car wreck, fixing a car, or all of the above"


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People who think a critique without weird just isn't a proper critique:

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"You are one weird dude"
"You are all too wierd for me."
"you are so wierd...."
"I doubt there IS a new level of weirdness for you!! "
"It is a good thing you guys got that Wierd catagory added because truthfully there is no other place to park things like this.... "
"OK this is about the wierdest thing i have ever heard.."
"I'm glad it is in the weird catagory, cause YOU sure are!"

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Of course, the brits compliment me in their own unique way:

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"Oh you cheeky cheeky man!"
"Mostlies are icky"
"Fuckinell. This guy is plinkier than the Plinks.
Crazed, lunatic, gerbilslidingly weaseltastic.
Get ON."
"'Allo me old china - wot say we pop round the Jack? I'll stand you a pig and you can rabbit on about your teapots. We'll can 'ave some loop and tommy and be off before the dickory hits twelve."
"this poem was like, so annoying that my brain refused to let me read it without going into demonstration..... "
"you naughty boy"
"You nasty man, you."
"you naughty naughty boy...."
"Fooking Marvelous"



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Let's not forget the pending lawsuits:

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"Now who can we blame this mess on?"
"Ow ow ow. You are making my eyes bleed."
"This made my head hurt. I should not come read this stuff when I am at work. I am seeing in different colors now, is that a bad sign?"
"This is so fucking bad it hurts my face! "
"WTF 8)
I think my eyes glazed over and froze that way."
"I think I have officially gone crosseyed "
"so stressful. my head may explode."
"I sprained my wrist scrolling down your author page "
"ouch that hurt!"
"One of the worst odors an office building can experience"


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People who blame me for their bodily malfunctions:

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"OMG, no wait, I have to catch my breath, help, I can't breath...I think I may have peed myself."
"OHHH MAN! You made my moose shit! And right in the middle of rectal examination! "


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And the death threats:

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"SHOOT HIM...SHOOT HIM!"
"Have you ever had any death threats? "
"who cares if people think you are stupid when you are dead?"
"What continent do you live on again?"


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People who are surfer dudes:

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"this is like... toootally bogus"


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People who are religious fanatics:

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"Lord save us from this evil creature "
"You speak in tongues Sir..."
"Lord help us all -"
"Oh Lord look at what the boys are up to now!!!"


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People who are devil worshipers:

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"three cheers for evil "
"I find it hard to believe that you sold your soul to enter this contest"


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People who are Yoda:

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"very funny you are! "
"quite disturbing, yes... "


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The egomaniacs:

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"I have an ulcer at the moment. is this poem about me?"


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People who are high-school English teachers and don't know when to quit:

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"you spelt figger wrong ... its Figure "
"Hmmmmm, is "kablooey" a word?"


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People who try to be nice:

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"I like it, it is a little hard to see where you're coming from here, but it was a great entry"
"very umm.... interesting "
"I am slightly amused at your power to annoy"
"well, this is certainly intriguing my friend, although a little confusing"
"Wow. This is definitely different."
"nice poem...though i didn't really get most of the part..."
"Not exactly what I'm looking for. Personally, I think it'sa kind of sad attempt at being funny..."
"The contest asks for reasons, not cop out explinations. It is a good poem though, rather unusual but good."
"I've never read anything quite like this before."
"You got to be kidding! I wish you all the luck in this contest you need it.."
"I must say I havent seen anything like this before!"
"It was different I have to say that!"
"Ummmm yeah.... where did this come from??? "
"a subject I would have never thought to write about."
"thank you for your fine contribution! It's really wretched."
"you have a unique way of looking at the world!"


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The smarmy Starbucks poetry critiquing club:

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"well look at this dark sinister little piece go have a cup of coffee"
"I think you achived your goal, you just wanted prove that
readers or writer's will respond to the negative faster than
the positive."
"What on earth is this utterly infantile nonsense? Please desist from this ridiculous parody of what is, a beautiful art form. Imbeciles! "
"You've certainly been stretching your poetic legs as of late -- twisting and squirming into tight niches of oddity, profundity and really strange things..."
"hmm....i wouldn't really say this poem was happy and joy....it was tragic in the end....."


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The vegans and animal-rights activists:

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"Ok... I'm not really sure what to make of this... I'm a vegitarian, so it's kind of creepy for me..."
"Regardless of what this poem is about, it is very respectful to the plight of brocolli and that makes it truly great. "


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People who would prefer I leave my writing on the bathroom wall"

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"Swim caps dont belong in PORNOGRAPHY!!!!! What are you a PERVERT??"
"Oh, you are incorrigible! What is it with Yanks and 'bodily functions' humour? "
"Beatchslap for cutting the cheese in class. Can't you write poetry? "


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People who believe everything they read *rolling eyes*:

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"You bastard. You got to go to ozzfest. "



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Let's not forget the people who truly appreciate my work:

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"thanks for making me laugh so hard i almost peed"
"Shakespeare you can take you darlin buds of May and stick them up your arse...there's a new Bard in town! "
"eeh by gum this is really good for an old person "
"delightfully mind boggling sir "
"How did this not win a trophy??"
"Well, for the most part, and for the thought, it didn't suck too much. "
"You are about the ONLY one who could pull a stunt like this and get away with it!
"Ok, maybe you don't stink."


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And finally... People who are clock-watchers or think I'm long-winded:

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"holy shit...i cant believe i just read all of that...."
"you took up almost none of my time except for the 3 or 2 seconds that it took me type "this" "sucks". "
"I can't believe I just spent ten minutes out of m y life to read this"
"look what you have done you have used up a whole page"
"As I was reading through all of this, I kept thinking, "You have got to be kidding me!" and now that I have read it all, "I am still thinking... "You have got to be kidding me!""


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** well, then there's this other stuff that i haven't gotten around to categorizing yet...



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"There si something about this that is jsut.... ODD."

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"Am dumbfounded... don't know what to comment...."

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"I dont get it "

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"This is a deceptively clever and meaningful poem."

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"Well, haven't you stirred the pot? "

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"Did I say something that offended you. Was not my attention. My apologies if I did."

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"i have never read such deep dark angst in my life... Oh yeah I don't read that crap..."

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"You really are on an introspective trail these days.... the inner meaning of cheese Whiz...."

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"This sounds like something about two paradigms off normal."

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"madness, mayhem, mystery meat emiting mysterious bleats "

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"are you wearing a bowling shirt?"

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"I am old and you are young..trust me trophy-whoredom-is attainable..."

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"This is almost a haiku of sorts. Some kinda Zen mantra shakra shaking thing going on....where your head feels all funny and light and you start to see dots and flashes and your knees feel like jello after a prolonged microwaving."

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"How many days did you have to go without sleep for this to materialize???"

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"the whole thing is boggling "

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"I must applaud the choice of border on this one, because, that my foul spelling friend, is the worsest border available and perfect for this ramble...."


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...alrighty, you get the picture then.

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Look. I don't give a damn about what I asked for. Most of the time, asking isn't even on my radar screen, so do me a favor and if you have a critical comment, leave it. I won't get mad. In fact most of the time I'm so desperate for attention I try too hard... or something... Don't be shy now, leave that crazy, funny, stupid, or abusive comment that you've been just dying to lob my way...
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Our god is with us, their god is with them.
This is the problem, when god is made by men.


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