Living-Nightmare• Show poetry

10/21/09

life was getting better but now its just down hill.... i have to fight through the night to llive... the voices in my head drive me insain. and i just want to risk it all and run away from everyone,






text me: I dont Care just tell me who you are fisrt
(559)-930-3558


3-31-09

okay well its been a while since ive been on here...and alots been going.
ive had these weird dreams more frequent then before, its like they all are of me killing myself, in one way or another... jumping off a building, slitting my wrists, shoting myself, over-dose...but its like once im about to die i wake up.....i dont seem to want to sleep cuz either i dream about suicide or i have dreams about so much that has gone on...between home school or saying no....i just dont know what to do....this place called C-CAIR wants me to talk to my mom about what im feeling or whats going on but everytime i try to she yells at me and fights with me and i just seem to get no where with her..so i just wont try at all.......my brothers wont talk to me cuz they hate the fact that i cut or do drugs...so they cuss and fight with me and my uncle idk what to say about him its like i dont exist to him cuz he never talks to me at all...so family life just really sucks and its like i dont feel welcome here...i mean home is where your heart is but my heart just doesnt seem to want to be here.....i just dont understand things...school is a disaster, everyone in my classes, just think its fun to torment me no matter what i do, i get things thrown at me, talked shit on, backstabbed, etc... but i guess it just might be high school but i dont see anyone else getting threated like i do. why me? i dont want to be in school, i cant concentrate, i cant think straight, i dont undertsand anything thats going on in my classes so im ten times more frustrated....
i have been hurting myself alot lately....and i know its bad but i just cant help myself. with that stuff going on and so much more i just dont know what else to do. its like i barely sleep but i still have to try to convince my self to get out of bed just because i dont want to face the day ahead.... i always try to tell myself that im going to do soometing but when it comes down to it i wont do it even though i know it needs to be done. so i hate myself even more.. its like i cant do anything right when i know every one practically hates me and then i HATE myseplf i hurt myself so much worse....i just dont get why im like this...i know of one person that wants to help but deep down i know she really doesnt understand anything that im going through. and i feel like im talking to a two way mirroe, she sees and hears me but cant cant truelly help me.. i tell her so much but yet not everything. and when i dont and its usually about hurting myself i cant seem to get the words across to tell her...and when she asks me why i did or why im feeling the way i am, its like alot of the times i dont know, or understand either so i really cant tell her..... i just HATE, HATE, HATE myself so much cuz i dont do anything worth wild.....i hate lookin into the future cuz im afraid i wont ever get there or wont know how to reach it........im so confused. i want to disppear and it wouldnt matter because no one would no that im missing.

I feel up one minute down the next, and when i turn the corner i feel angry, worhtless, empty, lost, unloved, scared, frustrated, irritated, etc..... i jsut never have a normal mood...half the time idk why, and others i do..... drugs hel at the beggining but alchohal makes me not care abolut my actions, weed makes me depressed and naotious, pills make me happy and make stupid dicission that and numb so hurting mysrelf is easier, i just dont know what to do....at all....but leaving or disappearing is sounding like a great answer but idk if its not the right one.......

i just want someone to understand me, talk to me that doesnt judge me and actually talks to me like a person....and talks to me about things me too, i just dont know anymore













message me at my msn please.

The fog is like the symbol of my head, always clouded with all the thoughts of the past.
I feel like in out in the middle of the ocean when I'm in the fog. I can see nothing and noone can see me. Until it jumps right out at me.

9-28-08 to you,
I feeel so bad cuz i hate lying to people to protect myself from going through consuling. I feel so bad to lie to the one person that helped me through so much. and then turn around and tell her that i havent cut. when i did. I hate myself i shouldnt deserve to be alive alot of the time. My life is so chaotic. I think I am anorexic cuz i find that food is repulsive and for some reason when i eat it makes me feel sick. I dont want to be fat but idk. I havent told anyone around me that so yah.

okay well i want to tell you why i lied but i just think im afraid because everyone tells me that being anorexic is bad. but i think thats if you under weight and being 5'6 and 118 pds isnt underweight is it? well im very sorry. please dont be mad. is there something wrong with me if i never feel happy with myself. if i dont like myself if i feel sad alot of the times or angry then happy its like major mood swings. im scared like i did something wrong. please just talk to me. this is taking me awhile to figure out how to write so give me a break.



i miss talking to you!
i miss being able to go to you for things.
i misss being normal.

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if you think i should see a consulor youe wrong. you should know by now i wont talk. dont go to my family cuz ill fight. I just want someone to talk to. to think out loud with advice. dont just tell me i have a proublem because i already know i do. I cant sleep knowing that i feel like a mistake and a failior. i feel hopeless.

have you ever felt like theres no reason to get up in the morning to go to sleep at night because there is no reason to get up in the morning. my life is just a creul cycle. i constantly think about the things i do wrong. JUST LISTEN. and ill talk.

i think i lied because i dont like diapointing. i only cut once and it was on my leg and when i did it i was angry and sad cuz nothing was going right. and idk it felt so good to cut sad to say i felt like i was in control not like i havent been beause of the weight control. well um i think the weight help me not think of cuttting and like i run aloot to the point im hurting myself and i can barly breath i have passed out like a few times. and idk i dont want to fall back into cutting but it felt like a release of stress and eveything i was feeling.

i hate the fact that everyone asks me why i have so many scares it makes me want to cry cuz i dont like talking about it. some days i can be strat forward and others i cant.am i that much of a mess. i know this is alot of writing but idk im crying and feel really depressed like i have no reason to do anything and i dont know why!!!!

i have lost 15 pounds since july.
i still drink and get pretty wasted cuz its like i hope to pass out to the point i dont wake up alot of the times. i know its scary and i dont know why i do it. aspirin or vicadin and a few shots of tequila and a glass or two of vodka fucks you up. and the way i exercise is alot of scary stuff. i have thrown up a few times aftert i eat. and its like a release of a demon. i dont even know why im writing this down cuz i know it will be scary to face reality.

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I am the person every one wants to be.
They think I have everything.
But really my life is horrible.
I hide from the truth.
I smile so no one suspects anything.
I go to High School to escape Home.
I runaway from everyone that tries to get close to me so i won't be hurt.

When I'm at home or at school i put on a smile to show everyone that there is nothing wrong,
but really I'm a mess

I hate being alone but I want every one to leave me alone.
I hate people who try to get inside my head and try to figure out how I tick.
Is it so hard for people to realize that every thing I do is a cry out for help.
And yet no one hears me.
Its like i'm invisible.

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ANYTHING BELOW THIS POINT IS BEFORE JUNE SO YAH I JUST DONT WANT TO GET RIDE OF IT!!!!!!

I cant take it anymore...all i think about is that one night. i constantly have flash backs to that one night when i went to the hospital. i just cant seem to get over it. its like im sitting in class and my teacher is talking and its like im not really there its like im reliving the past and i can just start crying out of the blue. or i can be sleeping and have a dream of being in lock down and wake up sweating and crying. then there are some days that i cant handle everything that goes through my head and ill have panic attacks. i cant tatke this anymore. its really brirnging me down.



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Don't Suicide
by Nbrez

Suicide is the permanent solution
To a temporary problem
Time heals all wounds
Though we can't know how much time
That we will need to pass
Just know that you can last
And when you feel you can't
Well, that's why I'm here

I'm here for you
The one in need
And so I plead
Do not suicide
Come to me, I will be kind
And together we will find
A better answer
One that won't rob the world of your beauty
Of your mind
Of who you are
Hold on

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I can't stand talking to people that don't understand what I'm going through. And all the conselors try to do is treat me like I'm some kind of diseise. And I can't take it any more. When they made me talk to them they asked me if I hurt myself if I cut and tryed to deny it but they made me show them my wrists. It hurt for me to do that they brought in a specialist to deal with me and that made me so angry they say they're trying to help me but they're not and I dont know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of all this I want it to all go away I want to go away. Then they said that they had to tell my mom but what they don't get is that she is the one that caused me to cut. I cant take it anymore... It's to much pressure on me to talk to someone about why I cut and what happens at home. They said if I talk about it I'll feel better but all it wants to make me do is hurt myself more...

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Why does every one tell me its bad to sleep with a knife next to my bed, a gun under my pillow and many razor blades in my pocket. Why is it that no one trusts me to do the right thing or am I that much of a freak that I have to be watched every second Im some where I can hurt my self. Does any one really know what I’m going through or are they just blind. Am I supposed to live this horrible life forever, am I doomed to be tortured for the rest of my life. You don’t really know how much I want to die. Or actually how many times ive attempted suicide. But when they tell me I’m suicidal I choose not to believe them even though in the past week I’ve tried to kill myself 9 times. Is it that hard for someone to try to help me or am I invisible to everyone. For me when I cut it releases all the emotion in me all the sorrow and the anger. And when I take drugs it’s just a way to forget all my problems and numb the feelings I have and when I drink it’s just for me…. I can’t take living anymore or maybe just in this world …. Most people don’t realize that what they say to a deeply depressed person like me, takes way more affect on them than a happy person. Or are most people blind to all that is wrong in other people lives. And as I sit here typing this I come to the realization that even this morning ive tried to kill my self twice. And is what everyone saying about me true, do I really have problems, am I just ruining everyones life. And would every one be much happier if I was …….Dead…….

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i hide from the truth by covering up what is real...
i cut, starve myself, drink and take alot of drugs....
i do all of this because i dont like myself and want to die..
i feel like im a bad friend cuz i broke most promises and its just the one person i was talking to cant talk..
and i feel like a total disaster and a failure...
and maybe i should end my life since i have no one to talk to....
to trust...
to actually belive in...
i feel like i am nothing my dad never wanted me..
my mom hates me and doesnt listen to one word i have to say...
my brothers treat me like crap...
my uncle ignores me...
so pretty much dont exist and maybe that one deep cut should happen.....


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Reasons why people self-injure:

1. It's chemical. Cutting releases endorphins in the brain. Those endorphins are adreanaline, which makes you feel better.

2. It puts you in control of your pain. You are causing the pain, and you can stop the pain.

3. It allows emotional pain to become physical. Not only does this make it easier to heal, it allows your feeling to become something tangible.

4. It makes you feel stronger.

5. Control, Control, CONTROL. Cutting makes me feel stronger. It puts me in control. No matter how my life seems to be spinning out of control, I am suddenly grounded. It clears my mind.

6. Eases tension.

7. It allows others to see your pain.

8. It reminds you that you're alive. Sometimes I forget, and everything feels numb. The blood reminds me I am here.

9. It vents anger. Sometimes I am just so angry at myself, the world, whoever, and I feel I'm just going to explode if I don't let it out.

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