Dokuritsu• Show poetry

My username is Japanese; it means 'independence'.

I'm a person who loves constructive criticism, and you're welcome to give it to me. I hate it when people sugarcoat things for me, but that's what I do to other people unless they tell me otherwise. I don't want to hurt the feelings of those fragile little people out there. As I said before, I love constructive criticism, but just plain insults that do nothing productive are useless in my mind. ALL OUTRIGHT INSULTS WILL BE MOCKED. Any suggestions you may have are welcome, and I will try to use them whenever possible.

I like to do different types of poetry depending on what mood I'm in. Sometimes I do free verse, sometimes I do things that rhyme every other line, etc. I usually like my poems to have some sort of rhythm at the very least.

I do not write poetry to please other people and give them something to do in their spare time. I write it for myself. It is a way to express my feelings and un-clutter my head. So don't think I'm doing this for you bleat-brains. <-- That name is not mine. That is Briar's. Or more accurately, Tamora Pierce's - which brings me to another point. I love to read. My favorite genre is fantasy, because just about everything else reminds me of just how screwed up the word really is. I love anime, including shows like Witch Hunter Robin, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Trigun, Naruto, Fullmetal Alchemist (that show so rocks!), etc. I like to read fan-fiction, but I haven't written any of my own. I have a freakishly over-active imagination, and sometimes I wish I didn't. I can picture things in gruesome and disgusting detail, and you do not want to be near me after I've watched a scary movie. The last time I did, I saw freakish mutant babies popping out everywhere and trying to bite my head off. It's disturbing, I tell you! Disturbing!

Anyway, I love music as well. I've written bits and pieces of a few songs, but never anything complete. I usually borrow another song's tune and make up some new words to it. Sometimes, I make up my own words AND tune, but I don't often make just a plain tune.

Now, I'm not exactly psycho, but I'm a far cry from 'normal'. I've creeped out many a person who's been unfortunate enough to be in hearing range when I laugh. My laugh is quite evil. Mwah ha ha... That is, it's evil when I want it to be. I can laugh normally... I CAN, but I don't do it often.

I'm not exactly the most sociable person you've ever met, but I don't just tell someone to bugger off when they say hello. I won't come over to you at lunch and ask you to sit with me (I'm giving an example of a situation at my school, it's not like I come over to random strangers and ask if they want to eat lunch with me, sheesh), but if you were my friend I'd get you a birthday present. Get the picture?

Okay, I'm going to be super-extra-blunt with this one: I'm tall. I'm 5' 8" (last time I checked), and I'm only thirteen. I apologize to all the short people out there for telling you this, but this is one thing about myself that I just have to gloat about. Oh, that's another thing to know about me. I'm not modest. When I think there's something good about me, I don't hide it. I tell it to the world! I'm tall! I get straight A's! I - okay, you get the picture.

Another thing; I have one heck of a temper. If you're not my friend, and you get me mad... let's just say no one has found the remains of the last one yet... Kidding! I'm kidding! Truthfully, I'll probably just glare at you or call you names, depending on how mad you get me. No one has gotten me to yell at them that I can remember. I usually rage at people in my head and insult their intelligence, their abilities, etc. I don't really have that much of a temper at all, now that I think about it. Oh well.

I have two AP sisters. Here they are:

Jiyuu is my AP sister; we're actually AP twins! We are so alike sometimes, it's just scary! We look a lot alike, have a lot of the same traits... although she's much nicer than me (to everyone except me), and she likes to make fun of me sometimes. Her poetry is decent, though (not excellent), but it's worth reading. She isn't afraid to express her opinions, and boy is she stubborn. Don't mess with her. You mess with Jiyuu, you mess with me. Be nice, or face the wrath of me. Or Jiyuu, though she doesn't got much wrath.

My favorite word is defenestration. It means to chuck someone out of a window.

Let’s see…

I love music! I LOVE music. I don’t think I could live without it. I’d rather shoot myself than live without music. I can’t play an instrument or sing very well, but I love listening to music. I’m not good at writing music either, but I’m working on fixing that! One of my favorite songs is Lost Heaven. It’s mostly in Japanese, but the chorus is English:
We’ll say goodbye, lost Heaven
How we longed for Heaven
We’re letting go
Of something we never had
Time goes so fast
Heaven is lost…


HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG

I am the guy who came out to the entire school in his senior speech and got a standing ovation for his courage.

I am the girl who kisses her girlfriend on the sidewalk and laughs at those who glare.

We are the couple who planned and studied and got a damn good lawyer and BEAT the state that wanted to take our child away.

We are the ones who took martial arts classes and carry pepper spray and are just too dangerous to gaybash.

I am the transgender person who uses the bathroom that suits me, and demands that any complaining staff explain their complaint to my face in front of the entire restaurant - and shares with my other trans friends which restaurants don't raise a stink.

I am the mother who told her lesbian daughter to invite her girlfriend over for dinner.

I am the father who punished his son for calling you a fag.

I am the preacher who told my congregation that love, not hate, is the definition of a true follower of God.

I am making a difference. Hate will NOT win...


I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most: love.

If you believe that homophobia is wrong, copy and paste this onto your author page.


~~~


I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be smart.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bunny
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.
I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I'm JAMICAN so I must smoke weed.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a stuck up bunny.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a bunny.
I wear skirts a lot, so I MUST be a bunny.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking bunny.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible bunny.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big peter.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be bunny them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.
I HAVE BIG BOOBS, so I MUST be a bunny.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool.
I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be GAY TOO
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN, so I MUST be lazy.
I'm a STONER, so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be a prude.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon and fried chicken.
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't FLIRT WITH GUYS AT SCHOOL ao I MUST be gay.
I dont like the SUN so I MUST be albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I wear BOY'S CLOTHES so I MUST be a lesbian.
I'm POSTING THIS so I MUST be a groupie.

~*Post this in your profile if you think stereotyping is just plain wrong*~


~~~


-PLEASE READ THIS-

My name is Sarah I am but three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren't home. When my mommy does come I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight Don't make a sound! I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie's Bar. I hear him curse My name he calls I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide From his evil eyes I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping He shouts ugly words, He says its my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And I run for the door. He's already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!" I scream But its now much too late His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor. My name is Sarah And I am but three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me.


We need to stop child abuse!
Show your support for STOPPING child abuse by copying and pasting this onto your profile!

~~~

92% of American teens today would die if Abercrombie & Fitch said it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. If you're part of the 8% that would be laughing their butts off, put this in your profile.

~~~

A girl and guy were speeding, on a motorcycle, over 90 mph on the road...
Girl: Slow down. I’m scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it’s not. Please, it’s too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Now can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It’s bugging me.
(In the paper the next day)
A motorcycle crashed into a building yesterday afternoon due to break failure. Two people were on it, but only one survived. The survivor, a woman, was hospitalized to due moderate injuries. The woman, when interviewed early this morning, said that the truth was, halfway down the road, the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn’t want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug one last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

If you would ever do this for someone.... then post this on your page ASAP!!


~~~


~Book Excerpts~

Liam’s crazed, coatless figure disappeared into the frosty night yelling “Get up, get up, for God’s sake, you boring people!” to the village at large. –Acting Lessons by Cathy Stonehouse

It was night and he was walking the streets and he OWNED the damn streets and somehow that came out in the way he spoke. –Night Watch by Terry Pratchet

Vimes knew them in his soul. They were in the Night Watch because they were too scruffy, ugly, incompetent, awkwardly shaped, or bloody-minded for the Day Watch. They were honest, in that special policeman sense of the word. That is, they didn’t steal things too heavy to carry. And they had the morale of damp gingerbread. –Night Watch by Terry Pratchet


It is wrong to judge by appearances. Despite his expression, which was of a piglet having a bright idea, and his mode of speech, which might put you in mind of a small, breathless, neurotic, but ridiculously expensive dog, Mr. Horsefry might well have been a kind, generous, and pious man. In the same way, the man climbing out of your window in a stripy jumper, a mask, and a great hurry might merely be lost on the way to a fancy dress party, and the man in the wig and robes at the focus of the courtroom might only be a transvestite who wandered in out of the rain. –Going Postal by Terry Pratchett

People in Ankh-Morpork always paid attention to people on rooftops, in case there was a chance of an interesting suicide. –Going Postal by Terry Pratchett

Speak softly and employ a huge man with a crowbar. –Going Postal by Terry Pratchett

The Dimwell Street rhyming slang is unique in that it does not, in fact, rhyme. No one knows why, but theories so far advanced are 1) that it is quite complex and in fact follows hidden rules, or 2) Dimwell is well named, or 3) It's made up to annoy strangers, which is the case of most such slangs. –Going Postal by Terry Pratchett

Neither rain nor snow nor glom of nit... –Going Postal by Terry Pratchett

~~~


Some quotes from various sources, including TV shows, my friends, me, etc.:


~CSI~

"Your case just entered a whole new dimension of weird." -someone

"How's Liquid Man doing?" -someone


~Fullmetal Alchemist (both anime and manga)~

"Who are you calling so small you can only see him with a magnifying glass??" -Edward Elric

"You're shorter than your temper!" -Pinako Rockbell

"I like guns. Unlike with swords and knives, you don't have to feel your victim die." -Roy Mustang (I think)

Gluttony: Can I eat him?
Envy: Well, we did skip dessert...

"Lay off... It's a contest of freaks, and I'm about as normal as they come. What do you want me to do, fire my slingshot at him?" -Maes Hughes

"I was only kidding when I said that I would kill you." -Envy

"Is there something wrong? You're acting awfully...nice." -Edward Elric

Winry: You didn't drink your milk.
Ed: I hate milk.
Winry: Gaaah! That's why you're always gonna be the size of a pea!!
Ed: Shut up! I'm not gonna drink some opaque white liquid that was secreted by a COW!!!

"He's acting like a kidnapper again..." -Edward Elric

“There's no way I'm dying before you do, you morally bankrupt colonel with a God complex.” –Edward Elric

"You sound like an old man." -Alfonse Elric

"I love dogs...they're supposed to be TASTY when they're STIR-FRIED..." -2nd Lieutenant Havoc

"You picked up another cat and you're hiding it in there, aren't you, Al!!?" -Edward Elric

"I like dogs...the best thing about them is, they're LOYAL! They obey their master's commands without question! They don't complain when they're treated severely and they don't need to be paid a salary! Yes! Dogs are truly MAN'S BEST SERVANTS! Dogs are great!! I love them!! Mwa ha ha ha ha!" -Colonel Roy Mustang

"Want to see some photos of my daughter? Look, look!" -Maes Hughes

"Lieutenant Colonel Hughes, NICE? More like SMOTHERY. I didn't ASK 'super-dad' to follow me around all the time." -Edward Elric

"I'd be tall too in heels!" -Edward Elric

"Never forget that we let you live." -Lust

"...So hurry up and get a wife!" -Maes Hughes

"We have to go ahead and ask her, even if it means we might get KILLED..." -Edward Elric


~Mark Twain~

"There are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics."

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die from a misprint."

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow."

"Honesty is the best policy - when there's money in it."

"First get the facts, and then you may distort them as much as you please."

"What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before."


~Megatokyo~

"Ah. She ran away." -Erika

"I do not understand why you are laughing." -Largo

"I wonder if Largo has any beer left." -Piro

Ping (while sweeping up glass in front of a huge hole in the wall behind her): Sorry about the mess. I had to make a bad man go away.
Nurse: Bad... man?
Ping: Uh huh. It's okay, he's gone now. I think I got all the glass up off the floor...
Nurse: Where...?
Ping: Outside somewhere. Oh, and I'm sorry about the concrete column. His head kinda clipped it when I heaved him out the window.

"Wow, this guy is pathetic." -Asmodeus

"Ouch. Careful with the hair, doc. Don't touch the hair." -Asmodeus

"Careful... your smile is slipping." -Dom

Yuki's friend (while playing with Yuki's hair): C'mon, tellll usss! Telllll ussssss!!
Yuki's other friend: You do realize she hasn't even started to get annoying yet.
Yuki: I'm aware of that.
Yuki's (annoying) friend: C'mon, telll usss!!!

Erika: Ever have a girl break off your arms and beat you to death with them?
Dom: Ever see a guy empty a 16 round clip into someone using just his toes?

Erika: That wasn't really necessary, but thank you.
Junpei: You are welcome. Junpei sense miss very capable take care of self, but true warrior always welcome avoided battle.
Erika: I suppose.


~Woodshop~

Me: Where do I put this? (says this while swinging around a hammer)
Tom (woodshop teacher): Over there.
Me: Right! Over yonder! (points in the general direction with hammer and marches off)

Me: Why are you sanding your fingers?
Rhythm: It doesn't hurt.
Me: You're sanding your fingers.
Rhythm: So?
Me: You're SANDING your FINGERS.
Rhythm: What's your point?


~Demon Diary~

“Mister, why is your cloak billowing out? There’s no wind today.” –Raenef

“MOUTH ON FIRE!!” –Chris

“I didn’t break your sword. It broke when you hit me with it.” –Raenef


~Monty Python people~

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

"Right! You will now learn how to defend yourselves against people armed with fresh fruit!"

"You shot him!"
"No I didn't."

"Ni!"

King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, your arm's off!
Black Knight: No it isn't.
King Arthur: Well what's that then? (points at the arm on the ground)
Black Knight: I've seen worse.

"I think all people standing in rivers should have to pay a tax!" (He looks down and realizes he's standing in a river, or at least what he thinks is one, it's really more of a creek) "WAH!!!!!"

Peasant woman: Who are you?
King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britains.
Peasant woman: Who are the Britains?
King Arthur: Why, we all are. We're all Britains. And I am your King.
Peasant woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of Elderberries! I fart in your general direction, you silly English cannnnnnnnnigits." -French guard

King Arthur: Good idea, my Lord!
God: Of course it is!

"Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!"

"You're no fun anymore."

"Wrong, rotten! Utter, bloody rubbish! You make me sick, you weed!"

"And now for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT."


~My Brother~

"Boom."

"Hello, troggies."

"Basically, each character should have an identity, not an identity crisis."

Me: I hate kanji.
My brother: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!



~Me and Jiyuu~

“My cat’s staring at me again… no, now he’s staring at a bug.” –Jiyuu

“Oh look, a plane! We’re gonna get bombed!” -Jiyuu

“Kitty…” –Jiyuu

"Wow...that wallpaper is hypnotic..." -Me

Me: I think life is depressing.
Jiyuu: Why?
Me: Because it is.

"I am a pessimist. Pessimists are never disappointed, because when the worst happens, we are prepared for it. When something better than the worst happens, we are pleasantly surprised." –Me (my mom thinks this is subconsciously influenced by something I read)

Jiyuu: What rhymes with orange?
Me: Umm….
Jiyuu: I’ll give you twenty bucks.
Me: Oh, oh! Henge, menge, fenge… range?
Jiyuu: That’s just ‘orange’ without the ‘o’. It doesn't really rhyme.
Me: Damn.


~Randomness~ (This is where I choose whether or not to tell you who said what, either because I don't want you to know or I don't feel like looking it up.)

"Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?"

“I haven’t failed a thousand times; I just have found a thousand ways that don’t work.”

"Put down the solar system!"

"Be sane. It's good for you."

(After my brother finishes reciting the first hundred digits of pi)
"That... is just... so sad."

"Count your eggs before they hatch, so if one goes missing, you can go and track down who took it."

"Causes stain, stay away!" (This is from a song.)

"I keep hoping there's a less obvious answer." -Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes

"Why are you talking to yourself?"
"You're myself, so you're talking to yourself too!"
"Yes, but I'm smarter than you, so it doesn't count in my case."
"Wait...what?"
"Exactly."

"Have you ever had multiple songs stuck in your head simultaneously? It's creepy."

"I got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory."

"If it's tourist season, then why can't we shoot them?"

"I was born intelligent...but education ruined me."

"Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to."

"There's no better way for a parent to get their kids' attention than to sit down and look comfortable."

"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying." -Joseph Heller

"Thank God I'm an atheist." -Luis Bunuel

"Excuse me. I have to go bash my head against a wall."

"You do realize that's the boys' bathroom, right?"

"My crushes are few and far between."

"Can I fingerprint you?"

"Military intelligence? Now that's a contradiction of terms!" -someone from the movie Good Morning Vietnam

"Exactly! I might look like a carrot for all I know!"

"The busier you are, the more you want to do something else."

"I must be in hell."

“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”

“Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.”

“How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.”

“When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 5 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity…I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I’d give my right hand to be ambidextrous.”

“Thank God I’m an atheist.”

“When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'.”

“Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', it comes out to be 'Woman Hitler'?”

“It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty... drink it and get on with your life.”

“Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.” —Hitch hikers guide to the galaxy

“Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run - He hates that.”

“All general statements are false.”

“An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.”

“Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”

“Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.”

“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.”

“He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.”

“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.” –Albert Einstein

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” –Abraham Lincoln

“The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.” –Napoleon Bonaparte

“Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.”

“Never judge a book by its movie.” -J. W. Eagan

“I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.”

“I’m not smart… I’m brilliant!”

“Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it; those who studied history are doomed to know it’s repeating.”

“Eat right, exercise, die anyway.”

“I’m such a sadist… what is a sadist, anyway?”

“Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!”

“Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?”

“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”

“I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.” -Spike Milligan

“If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.” -George Gobel

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, ‘Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.’” - Lynda Montgomery

“I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.”

“Last night I was lying in bed, looking at the stars. Then I wondered, WHERE THE HELL IS MY CEILING?”

“When I have a kid I'm gonna put him in one of those strollers for twins and then run around the mall looking frantic.”

“I dreamt about you last night. You were screaming and had a toothpick in your eye.”

“Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Like Congress.”

“If con is the opposite pro, then is congress the opposite of progress?”

“Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.”

“42.7 % of statistics are made up on the spot.”

“Meddle ye not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.”

“There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.”

“The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking creatures'.”

“I’ve lost myself. I’ve gone to find myself. If I return before I get back, please tell me to wait there! P.S. I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on a floppy.”

“Sometimes it just helps to be upside-down.”

“But the closest he could come to the idea of a formless God was an infinite sea of grey tapioca.”

“Shut up voices, or I’ll poke you with a Q-tip again.”

“Well aren’t we just a freaking ray of sunshine.”

“Women and cats do as they damn well please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.”

“I think if women and children were in charge, we might actually get somewhere.”

“Love isn’t what makes the world go ‘round. It’s what makes the ride worthwhile.”

“Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking to myself.”

“You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You commit suicide by jumping out a window, I laugh.”

“Can I get caller I.D. for the voices in my head?”

“Sorry I’m late. I got lost on the road of life.”

“Smee, you are a supreme idjit.”

“Five out of every four people suffer from math illiteracy.”

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an 's' in it?”

“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” –Charlotte Whitton

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.” -W.C. Fields

“A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting right next to you saying, ‘Damn… that was fun!’”

“If something is 'new' there isn't anything before it, right? But if something is 'improved' that means something was before it, and the thing that was before the current thing has been made better. So what do they mean by 'New and Improved'?”

“I like walking in the rain, because no one knows you’re crying.”

“You mean you’ll put down your rock, and I’ll put down my sword, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?” –Wesley from Princess Bride

Miracle Max: He’s only mostly dead. Now if he was all dead, there would be only one thing we could do.
Inigo Montoya: What’s that?
Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

“And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find someone stupid enough to let me test this on them…”

“Evil beware…we have waffles.” –Raven from Teen Titans

"There's only one solution: burn down the house.”

“The world will spontaneously combust…”
“The world will not-so spontaneously combust… but it will combust.”

"Greetings from Idiot Springs - the birthplace of all stupidity!"

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!” –Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream by Shakespeare


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