Dead Eyes• Show poetry

Hi. My name is Vicky. I have dead eyes. Yep. That's pretty much it....

not.

I like writing. Poems, stories, lyrics, anything. Most of it isn't that good, but hey, if I turn out enough terrible ones a good one tends to pop up every once and a while.

I'm a Christian... I'm a terrible one, and if you met me you would have no clue I was one. I'm not a typical "christian", and I think you'd find I'm much different from the stereotypical one. I know I'm a huge sinner and I know Jesus died because of that sin, no matter how ciche it sounds. I also know that the things I do are wrong, but I struggle and do them anyway. I go to a Christian school. I've gone there all my life, but trust me, that doesn't mean I'm sheltered. Far from it.

Hard rock and heavy metal are my favorite kinds of music, but I like pretty much everything. Rap, R&B, country, classical... anything. And if I don't like it, I can make myself like it. My favorite bands/singers are eminem, marylin manson, disturbed, godsmack, drowning pool, johnny cash, big and rich, family force five, some hawthorne heights, korn, and some others I don't remember right now..

I'm very pale. You can see the veins in my temples and under my eyes. Go pale people!

Walk the Line is my favorite movie. I love Johnny Cash. It is an awesome movie. If you haven't seen it you should be ashamed of yourself.

I ride horses. I've done so since I was 8. I currently work at a barn (cleaning, shoveling crap, grooming, exersizing horses). I have half-ownership to a wonderful black and white 11 year old paint mare named Oreo, who was a champion in her prime, and I'm hoping to show her again soon, but she's curretnly lame. I do everything from western pleasure to hunter jumper.

So that's me... enjoy my poems and such.

Letter From Ana: (may trigger)

Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you. In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.

Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.

But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.

Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.

Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.

When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.

Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.

Sincerely,

Ana





Cutting Warning Label

Before you make that first cut, remember--

You will find the blood and pain release addictive.

Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily--

They will get deeper.

They will scar.

They will take sometimes months to heal.

And years for the scars to fade.

If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.

It will spread when you run out of skin.

Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.

Even if you are the most honest person ever to live-- You will find yourself lying to the people you love.

You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.

You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.

Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.

Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.

Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting--

Cutting and covering up cutting.

And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."

And you freak out because the blood won't stop...

And you are gasping...

And you feel yourself shaking all over.

You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but

you can`t tell anyone.

So you sit there alone...

Praying it will be okay--

Swearing you'll never let it go this far again...

But you will, and further....

Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.

And the better you get at treating your cuts,

The deeper they get.

You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.

You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips--

3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...

Betadine...

Antibiotic cream...

Medical tape...

Scar reducers...

You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and noone will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.

And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice--

Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.

Someone who understands--

But of course that never happens.

Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.

Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe--

Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots...

The list goes on and on.

You will start looking at everyone in a different way.

Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.

Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you

don't feel so terribly alone.

You wont even think about it,

As your eyes scan their wrists arms.

Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.

But they are not.

You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.

You will start doing a lot of things alone.

You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.

You will always be cleaning up the blood.

Scrubbing your bathroom floor.

Wiping the blood off your keyboard.

You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.

Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.

When you get really desperate,

Anything will be a cutting tool...

Scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen.

Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.

Say goodbye to things you took for granted.

Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.

A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.

Get ready to itch.

Because you will itch and itch.

So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.

You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.

You will dream about cutting.

You will dream about being exposed.

It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.

You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting--

At the same time you love it and can not live without it...