I thought that this would be easy. I thought that holding it in would make it go away. That if I didn't talk about it, it would disappear. It wouldn't be real. Then, my world shattered and everyone knew without me even saying a word. All of a sudden my screams weren't silent anymore and my anger couldn't be held back any longer. I thought that I wouldn't be able to go on when people knew. I knew that they would look at me differently; they would use it against me, hold it over my head, and just remind me everyday how much I was a disgust. I was right. I hate that, when I'm right. People treat me differently now or worse, they treat me just the same. I don't know which is truly worse, having them acknowledge it or having them ignore it. If it was up to me, they wouldn't even know about it. I can't change the past. I can't make right what was wrong. I can't take back what I lost. I can't erase the memories. But I can't sit back and do nothing either. If people want to look at me differently then so be it. I haven't changed. I'm still the same person they all knew, maybe even once loved. The only thing that's different now is that I don't always have to hide. Pieces of me that no one ever knew existed show through. I may never be able to let people in. I may never be able to reveal the true me to them, to myself. I may never be able to trust someone with everything ever. I may never be able to be intimate with someone without having a flashback to a time when I was younger. I may never have a peaceful night's sleep without any nightmares. I may never be able to look at myself in the mirror. I may never be able to talk about what happened. But there is one thing that I will be able to do- help others, love others. The one thing that has kept me going my whole life since it happened was other people. As much as I claim to hate people, I love them too. I hate people in general because I hate society but the people that I let myself get close to… You don't mess with them unless you want to mess with me. That's how I've gotten my revenge; I've helped other people keep fighting. It gives me hope. It restores my faith in the human race. Not everything in this world has been corrupted yet. We still have time to save it. We still have time to save ourselves. As for me, I'll survive. I always have. But just because I'm breathing doesn't mean I'm alive.I may continue this or not... Haven't decided yet...
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he may have to live with that the rest of his life but to me that's not nearly enough... but that's just me.
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thank you it really helps, but i am actually ok i beleive in karma, and he totally got it.
he raped someone else and now he has std's.
hahhaha bitch, thats what he gets
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I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced something similair. If you ever need someone to tlak to, I'm around. I know its difficult to talk about but it really does help.
<3 -
actually i have
and exsuse me, the column is good
Edited on Jul 25, 2:54 because ''. -
It's a column, not a poem dear. I really hope you have not experienced it yourself.
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this poem was great, i loved everything about it.
i know how you feel, and i dont say that to confort you, i say it because its the truth.
~Kristyn~ -
Thank you love. I actually write about it a lot, whether directly or not. It's a huge influence on my life and many of my friends' lives as well... It's a struggle but...
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That was GREAT. It takes a really really strong person to talk about it or write about it and I really enjoyed reading it but it's really sad and Yeah. THat was great
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I made two more of this column. It's somethign I'm dealign with in life right now and I can't ignore it so... I'm glad that I may have opened your eyes to it. THnak you love...
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wow, i really dont think that this is something you need to continue... everything in this is so powerful, and so moving! The last 3 sentences in this piece sent me reeling:
I'll survive. I always have. But just because I'm breathing doesn't mean I'm alive.
I dont know why, but like tragically mentioned, it took my breath away too! it was like a total slap in the face, like you just had to all of a sudden clue into something that you had been reading, but were being forced to see *shrugs* i dont know if that made sense, but it did in my mind
this whole thing is all too real, its such a touchy subject that i find very few people want to talk about or even acknowledge that its there, but you tackled it flawlessly! this is a really moving and powerful write, im really glad that i stumbled across this!!!
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"But just because I'm breathing doesn't mean I'm alive." For some reason, that line just... took my voice away. I know that feeling all too well. *looks down* I also know what you've been through.... It....sucks. Plain and simple.
-Jennifer -
I'm sorry that you know what it's like hun. But we are stronger now. Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. If you ever need anyone too- you know where to find me...
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hella good
damn girl..this is soo good..i have been raped before..and i havent quite gotten over it..this is very good...stay strong...and im not gonna sit here and say too many srry's..becuz i know that sorries doesnt make the fact of getting raped go away..bye
xoxoxoxox
im always here if u wanna talk
Courtney -
im sry once again...i luv u plz remember that hunni!u may tell me anything u need...i promise im not here to judge...ur like a sis...i luv u and am here for u...
Hug
Mandi -
Heh... So much has been said already... Damaged baggage eh? We all are damaged baggage even before we are born into the world. Talking is healing... If you keep it in, it tends to make one think about it more... or it was in my case.
Love always,
Sandra
P.S. Sorry about reading these in the wrong order. That is just how they showed up. -
Thanks hun. I'm so glad that I know you. I just hate the fact that no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to hide it or change it, the fact is I'm damaged goods... I come with baggage and not many can handle that. Thanks hun for everything... I hope that we get to talk real soon...Thanks for your support, for everything.
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You're are absolutely right in everythign you said... I really appreciate your comment. It means a lot to me hun. I was touched by the things you said because you understand...and i hope that's not from experience... Thanks hun...
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Thanks hun. I find that reaching out ot strangers in need is when we shine our brightest...you're not such a dull diamond yourself
I really appreciate all that you said hun. It's nice to know that people out there care (especially men- no offense- but you know with my history i was starting to lose faith in males)... A movie huh? Interesting... I htought I was a diamond adn now you want me to be a star? lol Hun you make me smile... I thank you for everything you had to say, it means a lot to me.
Pssst... You didn't offend me by your verdict but I have no idea what you mean...lol... Could you explain it to me? -
Thanks hun. I really appreciate your comment. I just had to get it out there... Things are starting to move in the right direction- i hope... I'm in therapy now and all that wonderful (not) stuff... I'm working... Thanks hun... Thank you for reaching out ot me...
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wow. that was really beautiful. true emotions showing through. and you know that i am always here for you. people say that they know what your going through but they dont. i know why you do what you do. we talked and we had so much to say to eachother and we could finish eachothers sentences. and that about how we feel. one day sweetheart, everything will turn out right. all you gotta do now is stay strong. if for no one else for you. it kills me when your hurt and i want to do whatever i can to make it better. one day sweetheart, your world will be turned around and everything will be alright. you can live the dream that you wanted to. you just gotta wait your time and stay strong for me. you no i am always here for you no matter what. i dont know if i can get on tonight but i will try so hard. i miss you already. see ya beautiful
jon -
This is amazing .. just like JP said - it takes strength to talk about this .. you're not hiding behind metaphor and alliteration, you're saying things as they are, and that is really great. I can kind of understand your philosophy .. my own, through hard times, was always "I can't live for myself, so I'll live for my friends and family .. after all, funerals are expensive."
I can't say much more .. this was extremely moving, easy to follow, and easy to relate to for anyone who has really been through it. It sickens me to see people lie about having been raped .. it doesn't matter who you are, where you are, what you are, if it truly happens to you, your entire life has changed forever .. it's not just someone forcing you to have sex, it's so much deeper then that.
applause -
Every woman is a Madonna, even the whores
this was incredible, first from the personal standpoint, i know it took courage to write this, and anyone who would ignore what happened is too stupid to realize how delicate any human psyche is, how deeply a wound really travels, a real wound, it -can- maim you for life, but it doesn't have to, there are people, there are people who hear, and understand(unfortunately mainly people who have also been raped, or were affected by someone's rape, which is a growing majority of people) they look at you in a different way too, a better way, because they know what kind of strength you have as an individual, yeah you got through because of the people around you, the people that cared, but they couldn't have helped you if you didn't want to try, if you didn't want to overcome it, and that's why I, and any right-minded indivual who reads this, or who you tell this very personal, but completely shameless(except for the person who did it) detail of your life to looks at you differently, you bring a gleam to my eye Angel, because it takes a lot of pressure to turn raw coal into a diamond, and i can see you are about to start catching rays of light, i agree with what Tina said above, i think writing this was a step in the right direction...i hope this wasn't too convoluted to read(it was to write
) and i hope i don't sound to preachy...or overprotective of you considering you're a stranger
John
ps-please don't take offense to my "verdict" if you do then you've misunderstood it and please IM me to explain it for you(it is not offensive to you in any way)
pps-i forgot about my proffesional judgement i think this is an excellent write from a movie point of view, this would be such a good opening monologue over the opening credits, coming in on a scene of a girl going to school, about to face the people who look at her differently, indifferently, and in a better way than they had before.....yup...that's what i saw
Edited on Apr 21, 1:48 because 'i forgot my proffessional opinion'. -
Find someone you can speak freely with, someone you trust and let them know what you went through. I thought keeping it in would erase it too, but that was too many years of erasing and in the end I finally realised you can't erase it. It just gets worse and always finds a way to resurface.
Hope you begin the healing process. I think this wa s a step in the right direction.
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